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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get back some control

17 replies

inmyshoos · 04/03/2018 18:06

Exh since meeting new partner has had dc as little as possible and always on his terms. He lies and uses work as an excuse. So despite being home at 5 or 6 on a Fri for past few years now he isn't home until 7.30 but without doubt it's because he visits the new partner after work.
So he picks dc up as late as he likes and then just delivers them home as early as he likes on a Sunday (also constantly chopping changing plans)
I'm sick of it. And the ignoring any messages asking about plans. He sends shitty messages trying to piss me off but refuses to communicate like a bloody adult about important stuff.
He was EA in our marriage and I just want it to end. Dc hate going to his as he does fuck all with them.
AIBU to try and find a way to take control of the situation. And if I'm not, does anyone have suggestions how to? I'm so frustrated I could bloody weep.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/03/2018 18:07

If it isn't court ordered just tell him the DC don't want to see him anymore...

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/03/2018 18:15

It's not court ordered but as much as he is a complete Arsehole he is their father and I don't want them to feel he has just washed his hands of them. He takes very little to do with them and yet sends me abusive messages demanding to know why I am renewing their passports (taking them on Holiday ...had years of him being too tight to go anywhere)
Also the rare times when he has them is the only break i ever get and I use the time to catch up with stuff.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/03/2018 18:21

So how do you think you can take back control then??

RandomMess · 04/03/2018 18:22

I suspect if you refuse contact he take you to court and get FIXED contact although you can't make him turn up.

Claydermansgirl · 04/03/2018 18:27

If he doesnt turn up at appointed time I would go out and not answer my phone. Similarly, I would make a point of being out earlier on a sunday. I know that would be a pain but itmight help? What ages are dc as that might be relevant if they dont want to see him

DeathStare · 04/03/2018 18:32

Claydermansgirl has just suggested what I would suggest.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 04/03/2018 18:33

It’s difficult OP i’m unsure how these things work but feel you maybe caught between a rock and a hard place.
Could you not try to formalise arrangements or ask if you could bring the kids to meet him outside of work on a Friday or every other Friday as you have plans and ask him to drop them off at x time on Sunday as you have x on a Sunday morn so won’t be in until x time?
Although i’m Guessing he is being deliberately awkward hoping you will say this arrangement isn’t working so I won’t bother seeing or having them at all. Meaning you wouldn’t get any time to yourself and dc and DH would no longer have a relationship.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/03/2018 18:37

I think of I said he couldn't see them or they don't want to see him etc he would love playing the victim and it would suit him.

I did wonder about just not being in until 8pm on drop off day but feel so guilty as dc just want to get back home. I feel stuck between rock and hard place. Also like he is still messing with my head!!! When will it end!!!

OP posts:

Hellsbellscockleshells · 04/03/2018 20:31

How old are your DC? You have nothing to feel guilty about does he see them every weekend or every other. If every weekend it might be better to say just do Friday night or Saturday night then you both still have part of a weekend but if only ever other weekend he should be pulling his weight picking up at 6 on Fri say and dropping off at 2 4 or 6 or whatever time you have agreed on Sunday.
I remember a girl in my DS’s class her parents had split they were both lovely people. As her father worked away for weeks on end when he was home he would have them for a week at a time and I remember her being upset when she was in her first couple of years at school telling she was sad as it was too long for her not to see her Mum for.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/03/2018 21:36

Kids are 9, 11 and 13.
The arrangement is currently every other weekend. The dc had wanted to do Fri one week and Sat the next but he decided this didn't suit him. He just isn't that bothered about seeing them. He actually drove past the football pitch where the dc were playing on his way from work to his Girlfiends and despite not having seen them for nearly 3 weeks didn't even stop to see them play. It just breaks my heart. For them.

OP posts:

Hellsbellscockleshells · 04/03/2018 22:03

He’ll reap what he shows. They are getting to the age where they might not want to bother visiting him if he doesn’t put the effort in and is very adhoc.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/03/2018 22:23

They already complain about going. When they are with him he make a no effort to do anything with them. They be never been huge fans tbh even whilst we were married.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/03/2018 22:42

The DC are old enough to see what he's like. They don't want to see him. They like getting back home to you.

Their dad isn't bothered about seeing them either. He uses contact mainly to annoy you. You say it would suit him nicely if contact stopped and he'd like playing the victim.

I'm not seeing why you are making them have contact with each other. Surely nobody is getting anything positive out of it. Why continue?

Original poster

inmyshoos · 04/03/2018 22:47

I think it's healthier for children in general to have a relationship of some sort with both parents. This is the only reason I encourage it. Believe me, never setting eyes on him again would suit me personally.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/03/2018 23:03

If he wants contact and you want control then set some rules and stick to them.

Like, he has to pick them up on a Friday before 7pm, he has to drop them off on a Sunday after lunch. No chopping and changing. It is unsettling for the children. They need a reliable schedule and thus you will enforce it.

LittleLights · 04/03/2018 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 04/03/2018 23:58

I think you need ground rules for all your sakes.
Glad the dc are seeing him for what he is.
I think you’re right I wouldn’t stop contact also at their ages they may blame this on you and start seeing him through rose tinted Glasses which is the last thing any of you need.

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