Disengaging from draining friend

[Tiredeypops]

I have a friend that I have been very close too for nearly a decade (we even lived together for a few years) and find very funny, etc. However she is very ‘sensitive’ and has a real habit of talking about other people’s flaws a lot and going on about how SHE wouldn’t behave the way they do. But she is actually very hypocritical and just lacks self awareness - e.g. boasts about never having a one night stand (met several previous boyfriends by sleeping with them immediately after meeting them in nightclubs and actually has had a couple of one night stands (if I mention this to her she cries and acts like I am a mean horrible person and she is a victim). Long story short - we no longer live near each other and she wants to stay in touch - AIBU to tactfully disengage? How do I go about making this seem like natural drifting apart? Is this enough of a reason to end a friendship?

YANBU. I have less and less time for draining people as I get older.

Met a few negative nellies and drama queens, mainly through school mum friendships and I just dial communication right down as soon as I realise that things aren’t going to improve.

No hard feelings, I just have no time for it.

If the way she acts is a long term thing, and it sound like it is, I think you’re right to start winding things down.

Yes it’s a very long-term thing. I just don’t want to ‘ghost’ and I know she will seek an explanation if I stop replying to messages. Need some good ‘mumsnet’ phrases to throw around about why I can’t see her anymore...

Yes I would cut her out if you feel it's what you need to do. I have a friend with a few issues going on and it's all we ever talk about, or rather her talking to me and I can't get a word in. Never asks how I or my kids are.
She is a bit of a fantasist and I feel as though I have to go along with her made up stories. I just can't be bothered anymore. Reply less and less to her until you slowly drift apart.

I always think ghosting (in friendships not relationships) is actually the polite least upsetting way forward. At least it is if you ease into it ie start to lessen contact over time rather than just suddenly stopping replying which will maybe merit a 'what did I do?' scenario.

I mean I personally would rather just be slowly phased out than face a direct message about how someone just doesnt like me!!

I think the thing is that in this situation theres nothing to be done as this is just your friends nature and it is your nature to find her nature draining. So opening any kind of dialogue about it might make the whole thing worse. She may get defensive or possibly say she will try and change, but its very unlikely she actually will and the whole situation will just carry on and on.

Personally Id just gradually cut down contact. Dont reply straight away to messages, never message first and gradually reply less and less. Excuse from meeting her etc

Hopefully as she doesnt live near you she will just engage with other people and not really question why you have backed off too much. And you can both just get on with your lives.

I would say the opposite as ghosting is horribly cruel as you don't know what you have done. A bit like the boyfriend that just disappears. I think an explanation would be the adult thng to do as you say she will query your sudden disappearance anyway. You don't have to list verything thats wrong but try and couch it in a me not you way. However if you think its just too much at the moment as you did say she is funny and you have moved away maybe just being very busy and giving her that explanation leaves the door open for the future. Something along the lines of I am being very selfish at the moment and focusing on myself etc etc. Then maybe communicate a little via text and SM ???

It is best to either back off and 'ghost' her or actually be direct and tell her you're breaking off contact and give her an explanation that isn't too negative. But as you don't live near her, I'd just disengage gradually and stay in touch via SM.

If you continue to have a close friendship with her, with your irritation building up as it is, there will be a blow up between you leading to you falling out and burning your bridges after you've both said things you regret after a few drinks. You can never hide your frustration with someone indefinitely.

And what's the point of a friendship with someone you don't actually like at the end of the day? Life is too short.

Thanks - I don’t think I could tactfully say ‘you are self-absorbed, judgmental, hypocritical and lack self-awareness to the point where it’s actually really rude’ in a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ way but I like the idea of ‘I’m just being selfish for a bit (buying a flat / starting a new job / etc. so would actually be really plausible) as a way to get her to back off a bit. :D

^can you tell I’ve been bottling it up?

I think it much better to tell her next time she starts talking in a way you dislike to tell her that although you find her funny, kind whatever but you also find the way she talks about others very difficult. Basically feed her a shit sandwich. If it doesn’t improve you can then distance yourself.
Ghosting, particularly after 10 years of friendship, is horrible and leaves the person feeling awful and doubting any future relationships.

Just a bit lol

you could say all the busy stuff next time she asks to meet so it's a bit more natural and a bit of distance might help

iMO ghosting is horrible don't under estimate the damage to self esteem that could cause - all the wondering .... Esp if she is sensitive in nature :-(

I've distanced myself from a few emotionally draining people. It was getting too much being the sounding board for these women. Always having to lend a sympathetic ear to self inflicted dramas, I have my own issues to deal with. Surprisingly, these type of people don't offer you any sympathy in return as everything has to be about them. They don't care about you, it always have to be about them. So don't feel guilty.

No I can't tell that you've been bottling it up, but I've been there in the past, persevered with a couple of draining friendships, spent the whole time talking about their issues. I remember one of them telling me to 'change the subject' because the conversation was too upsetting for her.

In the end it always becomes too much.

"Thanks - I don’t think I could tactfully say ‘you are self-absorbed, judgmental, hypocritical and lack self-awareness to the point where it’s actually really rude’ in a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ way"

Yup, this sounds familiar. With my particular ex-friend, an honest explanation would have been "you are the most self-absorbed, vampiric person I've ever met and I'm also tired of walking on eggshells around you because of your hair-trigger temper and total lack of impulse control" (one time, she screamed at me because I said that personally - emphasis on "personally" - I didn't find self-help books helpful. Apparently, she was sick of people disrespecting self-help books when they'd made her the emotionally healthy person that she was. Shortly before we "broke up", she turned up for a visit when I was seven months pregnant and spent almost the whole time gleefully telling me distressing stories until I was nearly in tears, e.g. listing all the mothers she knew who hated their babies and wished they'd never been born and one woman who'd ended up in a wheelchair for life after giving birth, interspersed with demands to be made a godparent/ actual screaming and wailing about the fact that a boy she liked eighteen years earlier at school hadn't wanted to go out with her even though his subsequent girlfriend wasn't as thin as her, and even though she was now happily married (to a very nice, kind man who seemed to have endless patience for being told in detail about the sex dream that she'd had about her ex last night)).

Anyway, I'd recommend going with the "I'm just being selfish for a bit because...." approach, but just be prepared for the fact that it might end up in conflict anyway if she sees through it and starts demanding the real reason. Good luck, and just focus on how great you're going to feel when this particular source of tension is out of your life.

I have ghosted inthe past with no regrets. However graciously and respectfully you try and back away from a friendship, it doesn't stop the other persons disappointment. OP don't feel guilty I would back away as well - you can't go far wrong with ' busy' excuses either

@AnxiousNewUser wow your ex friend sounds very hard work. You're well rid IMO.

I had a friend a bit like this. Not totally because she had been kind at one time in the past, something she felt meant I owed her. She used to lose her temper regularly and I used to walk on eggshells. There was also the frustration that she didn't drive so I used to have to do all the driving.

It all came to a head one time when she invited my DD2 (then 3) and me to a 'Santa' experience outside. She hadn't paid anything so when it was raining on the day I decided that there was nothing in it for DD2 so said we wouldn't do it but would she like to do something else with us. But she let rip at me with aggressive text messages about how I would be spoiling DD2 if I didn't make her do things she didn't want to do. (Wasn't this experience supposed to be for DD2?)

I said I didn't want to engage anymore and not to contact me again if she was going to attack me like that. I blocked her then and haven't been in touch since.

She accused me of being a user but in reality it was the other way around. We'd met just 2 weeks previously and she'd spent the whole time telling me about her job woes. Other times it was constantly about her love life or lack of it. I'd backed off as a result and had stopped responding to her requests to meet up, because I had a lot of issues myself.

She'd also broken a confidence once, telling a mutual friend about a childhood trauma where there was police involvement. As a former SW she really should have known better. (I'd trusted her because she had been a SW, and I'd been looking for advice.)

So in fact it gave me the opportunity to 'break up' with her, because the friendship was no longer working for me.

Just ghost her. Ghosting says as clearly as words 'I don't want to see you any more' but is kinder as it allows the object of it the option of thinking 'it's not me--it's probably just that she's very busy these days' or the like. As for thinking it unkind because the person is left wondering about the reason for being dropped, no one is obliged to justify dropping someone else and the person dropped certainly isn't entitled to a reason, for heaven's sake. If she's too obtuse to get it and presses you, vague phrases about being very busy, calling her when you get things under control, etc. might come in handy.

@ushuaiamonamour nobody owes anyone anything its just about being a decent human being. If you don't want to let go of a friendship its really easy to not take the hint and make excuses that you are not being ghosted. Being busy is slightly softer and she will get the message if you are always too busy to meet up but it does also leave the door open for things to change.

TBH I'd ghost her if I were you. Not sure I'd feel bad about it either. I had a friend who was just do self absorbed to the point of it being ridiculous, she was very controlling and behaved horribly to my other friends out of jealousy. She was like it with men as well, would meet someone on tinder and become obsessed with them after one date, often hounding them for weeks or months after they'd said they weren't interested, begging them to "work on the relationship", trying to contact their friends, or even turning up unannounced where she knew they'd be and make a scene. If they started dating someone new she'd contact the gf and say he was still with her and cheating. It wa crazy. Then she'd want to phone me for hours (like 3-4 hours at a time) to recite every single text they ever exchanged and have me analyse it all in detail. When I met my dp and became pregnant she really lost it, shouting about the baby coming between us, why didn't I have time anymore (with a newborn) to talk for 3 hours on the phone? If we were on the phone and the baby started crying why did I have to go check on him? He'd be fine, just close the door/ leave the house do I couldn't hear him and keep talking to her. I tried to distance myself gently and say that I was very busy now but started getting my own set of "we need to work on the relationship" texts along with less subtle messages about how suicidal she was feeling since we drifted apart. A few months later my dp got a job abroad and once we moved I just cut her dead, just didn't answer any more of her messages. Funnily enough once I was no longer available to listen to her monologues she stopped giving any kind of a shit about me. Essentially, people like this don't change, they only get worse the more they think you'll tolerate it. Look after yourself and cut her lose.

I think ghosting is a bit harsh personally. Blocking and deleting people without explanation seems a bit extreme to me. Surely slowly phasing out contact and not responding frequently is better. It's less offensive imo. I've done it and had it done to me. When it was done to me i thought 'meh' and moved on very quickly. If the person had blocked me i would have been really pissed off and would have thought about it more. This way i just realised they weren't fussed (turns out neither was I) and it was fair play for them to move on.

It works wonders if you just stop replying to messages as quickly, then stop asking them questions, reply with short, succint phrases and stop initiating conversations. If there is physical distance between you then it shouldn't be a problem. I cut out an old school friend a while ago this way, couldn't stand the self centred bullshit any more. Good luck.