My toddler keeps coming home smelling like a teenager

[jenjenj]

Hi everyone!

Every single time my toddler comes home from his dads, he STINKS of aftershave or perfume, really strongly, to the point he is stinking out my whole ground floor and I need to bath him as soon as he's home. It's actually starting to make me feel ill.

AIBU to ask his dad/his family to tone it down on the smells as they surely shouldn't be applying so much that it rubs off ALL over my child.

Xxx

Could it be that he does the same thing my DH did with our sons? He'd sit them on the bathroom counter whilst he was getting ready and when he put on aftershave he'd pat some on them too. It always seemed to smell stronger on them than on him. Maybe because it just 'smelt wrong' on a child.

Plus I think some smells just smell stronger to certain people, especially unpleasant ones. I've had times where I've said there was a strong nasty odour and DH or DS have said they barely smell it and vice versa.

I don't think you can truly mask the smell of cigarette smoke with cologne or aftershave. It still comes through. At least I can still smell it on clothing or a person.

Just chuck him in the bath and put the clothes in to soak or have a load to add them to ready to go when he comes home.

Does his jacket/overnight bag/soft toys smell too, or is it just him?

@TotHappy smelling of church is definitely a thing, especially in churches with lots of incense. The parish DS goes to has 2 priests and I can tell which one has said mass that week by the smell of DS' hair.

Do you think they're spraying it on him on purpose to piss you off?

Bit harsh to say get a grip.

OP, it is hard to deal with these kinds of differences after a breakup when DC go to their dad's. DS used to come back smelling of smoke or strong grease quite often which used to upset me. Ultimately though you need to develop a thick skin to it and recognise that perfume and aftershave isn't actually harmful to him, and although his dad is going to do some things differently to you, you don't actually have the control over what he does when he's there. It would be nice to have an amicable relationship and be able to discuss these things with your ex in a reasonable manner but sadly for some of us that will never be a reality, and so what we need to do is learn to push away that discomfort, feel it privately if you must, never communicate it to your child and instead try to see the positive parts of their relationship with their dad.

Of course if you suspected something abusive, neglectful or illegal, that would be a totally different manner - but parenting and lifestyle differences are really none of your business, no more than you'd expect him to have input into your daily life, I know that can be really hard when they're doing something which is totally different to how you'd choose to do it. You have to just be zen about it ultimately. Trust in the fact that by sticking to your own principles at home you're still showing your son a good example for all of that time he's with you. When he's old enough he'll be able to differentiate absolutely.

I would develop a routine for coming home which involves a bath and getting into snuggly clean pyjamas ASAP so that you're not overtly saying to your child "urgh you stink!" but at the same time you get to put the clothes in the wash and relax.

I know what you mean, I personally cannot stand the smell of perfume or aftershave. I’m really sensitive to it and it gives me migraines, but some people just point blank will not believe that other people don’t like strong smells or that other people have a more sensitive sense of smell than they do.

I think it's just a "final straw" thing given the other issues with your ex, is that fair OP? In which case, I would say pick your battles. Only you know which ones are worth fighting.

It's difficult because when you have a very young child you do expect to have a certain level of control over their life/environment and then when there is a break up and your ex isn't reasonable enough to discuss things quite often they're being exposed to stuff you'd never in a million years choose for them. You go from having almost 100% control over their life to suddenly having to give up total control on large chunks and things which make you anxious.

It's easy to look at that situation as an outsider and go "OMG get a grip" but it's bloody hard. Most people would find it difficult, I reckon, and most people who are judgemental about it IME haven't been in the situation.

I had a nightmare the other night about my ex driving my newborn (I'm pregnant now) around in a wrongly fitted car seat and speeding and driving erratically - In the dream, I was terrified and shouting and crying at him to slow down. I was angry at myself for even getting into the car with him - no sane parent would do that! But that's the kind of thing I had to accept and try to ignore every time DS went off merrily to see his dad. He hasn't seen him in seven years and he does lots of independent things on his own now and I am generally laid back about this but the memory of the fear of the inappropriate parenting comes back after all this time.

I wish my teen smelt like aftershave or perfume, would make a difference to the funf around here

I agree you're probably just noticing it because you're not used to the smell. Sometimes other people's laundry can smell perfumy.

You are probably over sensitive to the smell because your son smells of someone you don’t like.

My ds gets looked after by my mum once a week. He comes home smelling of her and her lovely perfume. To me it makes me think he has been hugged lots and in close contact with her.

I understand why it pisses you off. Smell evokes strong emotional reactions in people. I don’t think there is anything you can do about it though.

I would be worried they were using the aftershave to mask cigarette smoke or worse. Otherwise if this seems unlikely hose toddler snuggle in clean pjs and be happy he is home

I don't think there's much you can do about it but I hate that my baby comes home from nursery smelling of other people, even though I know how ridiculous that is it's just viscerally upsetting somehow, and I'm not talking bad smells or even strong smells. I guess because it brings it home that we've been apart so long she's stopped smelling like me

If your son didn't smell like that when he was with you I would suspect something now. Not to mention if its really strong then what is it doing to the child.

Strong perfumes are very upsetting to lots of people. Musk based ones can even trigger migraines. Smell is our most primitive sense, it passes directly to the brain from the nasal cavity via the olfactory nerves.
I had to refuse a job as nanny to a girl who wore the same revolting perfume as my narcissistic and toxic late mother - the smell was horribly triggering and made me physically retch. I couldn't stand it in the house. OP is not being unreasonable to find the smell unpleasant.
It's just hard to find a simple solution, as perfumes tend to be cloying, clingy and absorb into fabrics, often being impossible to fully wash out. It must feel like the ex is physically "scent marking" his property. I do sympathise.

Could it be that the aftershave that ds is smelling of is the same as what your ex used to wear when you were together? Do you think that's why it grinds you so much because it reminds you of unhappier times? I get that it's not nice but I think you would come across as picky if you mentioned this to your ex

My teen smells of BO and cheesy socks.

My dc’s come home from their dads smelling of smoke, would rather they smelt of aftershave but my nose is sensitive so would probably annoy me a little too.

Do they smoke?

YANBU. A friend's gf wears what seems like a lot of perfume to me. I don't like her holding my babies because they end up smelling really strongly like her instead of their usual baby smell.

Oops I forgot about this post!

Thanks everyone - their laundry smells phenomenal and I keep meaning to ask what they use because the smell lasts forever and it's so nice haha!
I don't think he's spraying it on him, I think he just wears a lot because he gets sweaty and smelly really easily which fair enough you should be allowed to cover your smells, it's just a bit strange smelling it on a toddler!
He's not smelt so bad recently, so I'm over it. I think I was in a rather bad mood when I posted this!

@Notso smelling of 'perfume, aftershave and church'.

Actually spat my tea out reading that, imagining having a teenager coming in and asking them 'where have you been? Dont lie to me, theres a huge smell of Jesus off you.'

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil @Notso I laughed so hard at this! Hahahaha

You are upset because your child doesn’t smell like you.

It’s a primal reaction. It doesn’t mean they are using too much perfume.

My lovely Mum our in a tiny bit of perfume in the morning, not noticeable at all as an adult in contact with her.

But if she’d been babysit my kids when they were babies they’d smell like her when I got home. Because they’d had cuddles with Grandma.

I love my Mum very much and she’s a super Grandma. I still hated the children not smelling of me.

Just pop your DS in the bath when he comes home and all will be well.

It wouldn’t be reasonable to say anything to your ex. It’s good that he cuddles his son.

I hate the way my toddler smells when he comes home from nursery or mils. I just remind myself that he smells of perfume because he's been getting lots of cuddles and that's got to be a good thing.
Sorry for your troubles op but don't raise this one.

Yeah, I won't bother saying anything
As I said I think I was in a particularly bad mood lol
And everyone's right - it must mean he gets lots of cuddles and that's a great thing

Sorry changed my name

Don't worry op we all have bad days, especially when it comes to our kids.