To feel really quite disgusted with myself and a bit lost

[HeavyMetalMummy]

Posting for traffic and because I'm really not sure where else to put this. My dd is coming up 23 months and I can count the number of times dp and I have had sex during that time using only my 2 hands and possibly 1 foot. I'll be frank, this is 100% down to me - I put on 6 stone whilst I was pregnant, I lost 4 without trying but the remaining 2 are sitting on me and will not budge, I'm 2 stone overweight, with a history of eating disorders as a teenager (avoiding going back to how I was all those years ago for dd's sake). This, along with working full time mean I am tired all the time and more importantly, absolutely sickened by my appearance. DP has been incredibly patient, if he tries his luck and I say no, then its left at that along with a 'night, night, I love you'. Sometimes I'll go along with it, but thats really only because I've worked out how many weeks its been since the last time we did it and I feel guilty (again nothing said by him to try and influence me) but the ENTIRE time all I can think about is how grotesque I look and how awful whatever he's looking at must be. I'm having a bit of a melt down today whilst he's at work because I went hunting for an emergency baggy tee shirt to wear in his draws (all mine are in the wash) and I found some 'aids' hidden away (shant elaborate but definitely a newish, secret purchase). Now, we have never been prudish about toys and used to make frequent use of them back in the day and no problem with self gratification etc. The issue is that I feel like I've, I don't know - driven him to this, that this is his only release and how unloved/unwanted he must be feeling because of me. I don't know what I'm asking for here, what do I do? About me, about our sex life, everything really. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately I don’t have much in the way of advice as I am feeling similar myself having had my first baby in November. All I can say is that your partner still clearly finds you very attractive so please try to be kind to yourself and maybe try to see yourself through his eyes? Definitely try not to feel guilty though, having a baby takes a huge toll both emotionally and physically and there are plenty of other ways that you and your partner can show each other love until your confidence returns x

Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with you. In every relationship the physical side ebbs and flows. It sounds like your self confidence has taken a beating and your exhausted which is a bad mix for feeling sexy!

I went through something similar and would say that the best thing I did was sit down and tell my husband how I was feeling. I’m not going to lie, it was terrifying and I cried a lot but it really helped. The same as your DH, he never complained or got cross, he just accepted it. But it did make him feel rejected and he thought it was his fault and that I wasn’t attracted to him. When really I was just stuck in my own head.

He obviously still finds you beautiful as he’s keen to be physical. We’re so hard on ourselves that we assume we know how others view us. Don’t get hung up on what you see in the mirror. Let him show you what he sees in you. His drawer purchase says to me how much he loves and respects you. He’s not pushing you or confronting you about it but he’s trying to find his way of dealing with it.

I’d also make a date night so you can de-stress and relax together. You don’t have to jump straight into bed, you can just cuddle or take a bath together. Being tired and fed up doesn’t put anyone in the mood!

Oh OP, having a baby is hard. I’m six months pregnant and I’ve been avoiding mirrors. I accidentally caught my reflection in the mirrror coming out of the shower this morning and I was just horrified (and then was grotty with DH and DD because I was feeling so rubbish). Please don’t be hard on yourself. It sounds like you need to feel better about yourself before your libido will return. Is there anyway of introducing a bit of exercise (I freely admit that I find it very hard to fit it in working and with DD) but perhaps a couple of sessions a week? Maybe something high intensity like spin so you can be in & out? Sending

You're all right, I'm totally up in my own head but, I don't know how to get out of it. As far as talking to him about how I'm feeling, I don't know how to bring that up or when. Just starting a conversation after we've got dd down for bed, made dinner, washed clothes, made lunches, done the dishes etc 'so you know how I can't bear my own appearance etc..' seems an impossible task. We have no support up here in terms of family, so no date nights and no time for exercise classes (as much as I would love to do something in both those categories) I know how self defeatist that all sounds but I genuinely just can't see how it would be possible. I am doing WW to try and get some of this lard off me but that's the extent of what I can realistically do.

Fuck the weight off. Seriously! Win Win.

You’re not being self defeatist, it just seems insurmountable to you at the moment.

Leave the dishes, order a takeaway, only wash the essential clothes that day. Do whatever you need to to have this conversation. The world won’t end if there are plates in the sink. But you need to invest an hour of your day in talking about it with him. If you don’t it’s going to eat at you and him in your own different ways.

As for how to start the conversation, that’s up to you. You could bring up what you found, explain how that made you feel about the impact it’s had on him.

Talking about your biggest insecurities with your DH is scary. But you both trust and love each other, that is obvious from your posts. Imagine how you would feel if he came to you upset and talked about his worst physical feature and how he doesn’t see how you could find him attractive. You wouldn’t hesitate to reassure him and comfort him because you love everything about him (except maybe the stinky socks!). Trust that he will give you the same.

I wish I could give you a hug through the screen but all I can do is say that talking to my DH changed everything for the better. We’d been trapped by our wall of silence for so long with nobody to confide in, we forgot that we were supposed to confide in each other.

You need to stay out your head love. Most decent men have a massive amount of respect for the fact youve sacrifices your ideal bod to have their baby and to be honest there only concerned about getting access to the goodies lol. Having discussed this extensively with my fellow mummys none of our fellas really gave a monkeys about changes and certainly don't mention anything. 15 years and 3kids later I can say me and dp are doing alright when we can find the time. We both have things we don't like about ourselves such as saggy boobs and a dad bod may not be too attractive to anyone else but we manage to laugh it off.
Why not have a date night in the front room. dim the lights pick a movie you'll both enjoy. Get lil one fed and to bed, get dh to do a dinner for two while u have a bath and groom (large glass of wine) wear a nice nightie hidden under an old dressing gown so he won't suspect/expect anything 😉 If you dont feel like 'anything' at least you've spent some quality time together xx

Probably not helpful but my youngest is 11 and I could count the number of times on just the one hand. It depends also how much it bothers you / him. Awkward as it might be, can you bring yourself to raise the subject? Maybe write it down if you can't say it. He sounds loving and supportive - it's still quite early days really so things can change. Probably too late for me I fear.

Thank you everyone, I think, if nothing else, saying all this to strangers and knowing others have/are experiencing something similar helps. Who knows it might make me a bit braver too.