... to be dismayed re teenage girls and porn

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Last week DH and DS were travelling for rugby game. DD invited several friends over (ages 16, 17)and they have lots of fun, music, takeaway, they ask to borrow my laptop that evening for Netflix.

Last night I see from browser history that they'd been on porn/adult websites. I was really annoyed because I also use this laptop for work.

I need to speak with DD about this later today, after I think a bit more, but it did also made me reflect on my own experience as teenager. My knowledge and expectations of sex were from

• information from parents and school
• sections of popular books and magazines
• discussion with friends
• I remember one of our group of friends somehow got two adult magazines that were shared around for weeks. That was the extreme exception!

I know from friends that porn and teenage boys can be an issue (it seems normalised ... has not been an issue with DS and his friends, that we are aware of). But porn and teenage girls is a news for me!

I guess I grew up in a different time (early 80s)...

It's natural for them to be curious so I wouldn't be bothered by that. I'd be really concerned though 're the way women are portrayed in porn/how violent it can be. Id be having some big conversations about whats real in a relationship what's acceptable, consent/boundaries and body image!

Why would you be dismayed at a group of 16 and 17 year old girls being curious about sex?
Females having an interest and curiosity in sex is normal. Females exploring their sexuality, be it by porn, self experimentation, or with each other, is NORMAL.

As long as they know to be safe there's nothing at all to be "dismayed" about.

Using your laptop may have been overstepping the line, especially if it is work issued not one you bought yourself, but it doesn't mean what she did was wrong.

I first watched porn as a teen, maybe even younger. I was curious. I also knew that it was acting and that's not how things are/should be in RL. Teenagers, especially at 16 aren't thick.

You need to have a talk about the violence etc they might have seen, and conditions in the industry, and a very very clear talk that in many jobs it’s is a fireable offence to access through work devices.

I probably didn't explain things well in my post...

I was sooo annoyed for her using my laptop for that (it's my own, but it's used mostly for some contract work I do, and she knows that!). That's one thing.

For sure I know it is normal for teenagers to research these things, it would be stranger if they did not.

I guess my dismay is not related to looking at porn (that's up to them), but related to some of the issues that people have posted in reply (relationships, consent, reality versus porn, etc). It's those aspects I'll need to think about and talk with her. We clearly need to have that conversation....and it's something I've overlooked and failed to do so far!

this subject worries me hugely- the availability and the impact on relationships.

Have a look at fightthenewdrug.org/
lots of interesting stuff there.

Porn is massively different now, compared to 10 or 20 years ago. Apparently a lot of children see porn for the first time at around 11 years old, & because of the internet, it's very easy to access more, harder & more niche material. So it's not just about what the girls are viewing, but the boys too - because a lot of kids now seem to take their attitudes about sex from porn. Things like female pleasure, consent, and kissing, are rarely covered in porn.

It terrifies me the thought of my dcs learning about sex via porn.

It’s violence against women veiled as entertainment.

I grew up in the 80s and saw porn in my teens but not in the U.K. I found it fake, unappealing and in some cases disturbing but watching it didn't warp my ability to understand about consent, rape, exploitation, institutionnalisée sexism and the abuses women are subjected to around the world. It also didn't affect my ability to understand that if a woman who has other choices (through education, financial opportunities, employment parity, etc) chooses to watch or participate in the making of porn then that is her choice.

Why would you be dismayed at a group of 16 and 17 year old girls being curious about sex?

For me, the dismay isn't that they're curious about sex, but that the kind of sex portrayed in porn should never be viewed by teens as normal or how it should be done.

Russell Howard did a stand up routine citing research (I don't know where from) that showed boys are ejaculating over girls faces from the first time they ever had sex.

Imagine losing your virginity and thinking that was the way it was supposed to end? Teenage girls being pressured into anal sex and suffering injuries?

Honestly, my daughter is still young but it makes me feel sick to think of what she might face in the future.

Hi OP

Firstlyyou mention using this laptop for work. Seriously, don't ever allow another person to casually use your work laptop (even if it is just occasional contract work) for browsing, especially if you are not 100% sure of their being able to use it maturely and responsibly. I am very wary of letting well-trusted adult friends use my computers, let alone young teenagers. Apart from anything else, even as a freelancer I have to sign agreements about not allowing this kind of thing on any device on which client-related documents are stored. I recommend that you check your laptop for viruses, malware and other thingswho knows what it could have been infected with after being used to browse such dodgy sites.

Secondly, the girls should have had the common sense and common courtesy NOT to use another person's computer to browse porno sites. Are they aware that browsing histories can easily be checked? Seems like they need some instruction on internet safety and courtesy.

Re porn: I don't think the OP is worried about 16-17yo girls "being curious about sex," but I think the reality is that pornography promotes some very unrealistic and unhealthy ideas about bodies, about what women might be expected to do between the sheets and so on. There are also some serious ethical concerns about the pornography industry in general. I'm not blanket-ly anti-porn, but it does worry me.

The porn that people may have seen in the 80s bears very little resemblance to a lot of what's available now. One look at Pornhub, who Ann Summers have recently teamed up with, tells us that.

Are you absolutely sure they were browsing those sites rather than the sites coming up as pop up adverts if they were trying to watch the latest movies on streaming sites?
I just think that if she really was watching porn on your laptop, at 17 she would have thought to delete the browsing history!

Yes I'm 100% sure. I work in tech area, laptop running Linux so they'd not be familiar with it.

Kokeshi123, it's exactly your quote that it can "promotes some very unrealistic and unhealthy ideas" ... I just need to have that discussion with DD around that topic ... it's clear I should have done that already ?

I realise there are many different opinions on porn, and personally I don't have a strong opinion on porn. I seldom watch it. Would have zero interest in Fifty Shades, etc.

Just looking at pornhub (it was a site they were on) now for 15 mins, it's a mixture of everything from vanilla (for me) to what I'd consider extreme (for me) ... with little distinction between categories. Must be difficult for teens to navigate that and figure out what is normal/comfortable for them.

It's just the modern world. Why shouldn't girls have an equal right to use pornography? It's sexist to think it's only a problem for males.

I learned about sex through porn - albeit the paper variety - because my parents never mentioned it and school barely covered it (the usual condom on a banana, and a few line drawings in a text book).

How embarrassing for her! It's totally normal to be looking at porn at that age, nothing unnatural, but she definitely needs a nod to delete her browsing history in future!

So I had that chat with DD this afternoon. She was not least embarrassed (we did not discuss specifics), and now knows a bit more about Firefox settings on Linux :) Good discussion I think, wish I ad it before She said all her friends had participated in this, not just her, they had done this before at friends, profuse apologies for using my laptop, etc.

The search terms they had used were generic things like: how to have an o*asm, boys w*king, ...etc... Anyway, I deleted the history.

Thinking back to myself at that age, I'd have been the same I think ...

vaguelyaware it entirely depends. I grew up in Greece where the local video store had a porn section ranging from hetero vanilla, gay, lesbian, S&M, scatological, bestiality, etc and various kinds of productions from well known names in glitzy studios to very dodgy DIY affairs. My DH worked in a sex shop in Germany when he was 18yo in the very early 90s and they had everything you could imagine and then some.

Well done OP, I am glad the talk went well. The most important thing is for her to trust you and have confidence in herself and her decisions.