Elderly Parents - Stress of Balancing?

[Vesper8]

Evening all,
Quick AIBU which may seem obvious but is getting me a little emotional lately. Parents have become emotionally detached from the stress of looking after grandparents. I help out regularly, particularly when the going gets tough.
I have my own house and family (late twenties) but have noticed that visits have had an 'atmosphere' lately that I can't quite put my finger on. DH agrees. Just a few examples - grandma forgot my birthday and began arguing with me that it was another month of the year. When I raised it with mum, she snapped straight away that I needed to let it go. The other night, when my car had a puncture from a pot hole (the nightmare that are UK roads at present) I was 3 mins away by car from parents house. They declined to pick me up and so had to walk in subzero temperatures because they hadn't had dinner yet. A few days earlier I had got up at 5am to drive to see grandma in hospital before work to ease the load on my parents and I don't think I've actually asked anything of my parents since I was at home aged 17.
It just seems that they are so overstretched with looking after their parents, that there's little room for anything else and I guess selfishly I'm just wondering whether that is the case or it could be me? Am I just really a bad daughter? Every conversation we have at present is about them and even DH agrees that they never ring / ask about anyone else's lives anymore. It just makes me sad - they are amazing parents but I guess I feel a bit lonely / far away from them at present as pathetic as that sounds.
Not sure what I'm asking - I guess for experiences of elderly parents - how do you protect from it becoming all consuming? Mum in particular just seems to be consumed with guilt, anger and worry rolled into worry and I try everything to ease the load. When I asked earlier whether she was worried about anything, Dad snapped that it was me that brought stress into the house - which I guess is what has prompted the post.

I would wonder if your DP are concerned with the amount of responsibility they feel they could have if they did not keep a bit of distance between them and other family members. They have parents who are getting older and more frail, they have a grown up daughter with DC. They could feel that if they give an inch they could be dashing from running between parents and grandchild(ren) and not having any life themselves. Also they may feel that if they "do" something for one it would not be fair not to "do" for all the others. Maybe they have seen friends who have exhausted themselves running after elders and youngers.
Can you try to discuss it with them?

Caring for elderly parents is exhausting, mentally and physically.
The endless running round, the organising, dealing with carers, hospitals, the feeling that whatever you do, it's not enough.

My Mil, who had been the strong "rock" of the family, developed Parkinson's and became increasingly frail. Every weekend was spent visiting, taking her shopping, restocking her fridge, sorting out her house. We lived 2.5 hours away and work full time, as well as having DGC we wanted to see. And still, we would have phone calls saying she hadn't seen anyone and she had no food in the house...
You love your parents, you love your children and grandchildren you are pulled in half, it's not easy.

I'm not saying there is an easy answer, there isn't,
Just I'm sure your parents still love you, but are under huge stress.

Perhaps your mother is stressed because she thinks your grandmother is becoming senile or getting dementia (re the birthday month thing). Your grandmother may be snapping at her too.

No need to take it out on you though.

Oh and the you bringing the stress into the house thing, it may have been said because you are the one questioning it, whilst they are trying to sweep it under a rug.

My aunt got this from my mother about their mother. My mother was in denial about their mother's Alzheimer's disease and would accuse her sister of "causing trouble" when she tried to mention it.