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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to LTB for smoking

24 replies

nancybelle · 03/03/2018 19:55

I need to get a bit of perspective on this and don't really want to talk to friends IRL. AIBU to end the relationship because he has started smoking.

To put this in context, I hate smoking. My partner knows this and knows it was grounds for me ending things from day 1. When we met he smoked but quit as soon as he met me 5 years ago and life has been fine.

I found cigarettes recently and when I confronted him he admitted he had been smoking for months and it was due to stress about our lack of sex life. I have no sex drive at the moment and can't even bring myself to go through the motions . I think it is a mixture of stress, have never had a particularly high sex drive and the pill I am on (cerazette). He has agreed to go to GP to try to get prescribed champix to stop smoking. I stopped taking the pill yesterday and will wait and see if that has any effect on my libido.

Despite this I am in 2 minds about whether to put him out. He is perfect in every other way but I feel really betrayed that I have been lied to for months - every argument we have ever had has related to him lying to me. He has known that it is a deal breaker for me and I don't know even if we do stay together if I can ever trust him again.

I know it seems really trivial but it is very important to me but AIBU. Please help me get a bit of perspective.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 03/03/2018 20:00

I wouldn’t leave an otherwise good relationship over this. Not if he’s lapsed and taking steps to quit again. I stopped for years and slipped back into it this year. It’s easily done and he’ll have been thinking he can just finish this pack and quit, when really he needs more help.

Is it an otherwise good relationship though? You say every other argument is about him lying. He says your sex life is causing stress. I’d see how things go.

Original poster
nancybelle · 03/03/2018 20:04

Thanks for that. I really struggle with the lies. They are usually in relation to where he has been and whether he has been smoking weed with him saying he is lying to protect me but I don't need protected, I need honesty to be able to trust. In every other way he is ideal.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 03/03/2018 22:08

It sounds like the honesty is the bigger deal tbh. The smoking (yucky as it is) is just another manifestation.
If he quits tomorrow, will it make you trust him?

Gemini69 · 03/03/2018 22:15

I could not and never would stay with anyone who smoked....it is repulsive Flowers

emmyrose2000 · 04/03/2018 05:37

I'd leave in a heartbeat. But I would never have even gone out with him in the first place as he was a smoker then.

Turnocks34 · 04/03/2018 06:14

I wouldn't leave him because he had smoked, especially as he was BLW working to give up.

I would leave my OH if he started smoking now and was intent on continuing it. I find it repulsive. And I say that as an ex smoker.

Turnocks34 · 04/03/2018 06:15

Don't know why BLW is in the above comment, it shouldn't be!

DianaT1969 · 04/03/2018 07:24

Is this correct? He has smoked weed regularly during the relationship. You knew about that and he sometimes lies about it. He took up smoking tobacco again recently?

ClaryFray · 04/03/2018 07:38

He's agreed to get help. I think YABU in this respect. If in a month he's still smoking and lied about getting help then your in your right to put him out on his arse.

Or tell him the lack of sex isn't permanent but it will be effected by his smoking. It's like kissing an ashtray that's not sexy!

Original poster
nancybelle · 04/03/2018 08:20

He gave up smoking when we met but did occasionally smoke weed. I wasn't very happy about it but he doesn't have many vices so as long as he didn't bring it in the house/car and only smoked it with hos friends I was ok with that.
To the question if he gave up today would I trust him - the answer is no! Trust is a huge part of a relationship and that's always going to be fragile.

I am financially independent enough to put him out the house but would feel really guilty as he has nothing. He would be homeless, has no savings etc but I also don't want to have to nurse hom through any smoking related diseases. As it stands he will be financially dependent on me in his old age and am I just being taken for a ride (or not!!) if I can't trust him?

He is perfect in every other way, helps round the house, is romantic, caring etc but I don't know if I can get past this. Putting a timescale on it is a good idea and I can see his commitment but if that is there like a ticking time bomb it may put too much pressure on both of us - me to find my mojo and him to stop smoking.

OP posts:
SundaySalon · 04/03/2018 08:33

So he’s allowed to smoke weed but not cigarettes? When people smoke weed they use cigarettes to make the spliff? So he’s never actually had nicotine out of his system, he is still having small amounts which means it’s much easier for him to fall off the wagon. I quit 6 years ago, I still don’t trust myself to have one when out with friends.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/03/2018 08:40

Leave.

It’s not the smoking per serving, it’s the lies & the ‘I lied to protect you’. No he lied to hide what he was doing. He’ll lie for an easy life. If he’s ‘smoking’ because of your (lack of a) sex life, he’ll have sex with someone & lie about that too. Everything will always be your fault.

Kick him out. Where he goes & what he does is not your responsibility.

Find someone who you can build a nice life with, not this twat who is lying to you, living off you and blaming you.

Inertia · 04/03/2018 08:48

It's the lying and lack of trust which is destroying the relationship. And instead of admitting to the lies and agreeing that he messed up, he's turning into your issue with all that shite about protecting you.

StripeyDeckchair · 04/03/2018 08:52

This isn't really about him smoking it's about him lying and his financial dependence on you (in old age or now and in old age?)

I would find either a deal breaker, with the lack of sexual attraction it sounds like this relationship is fading to an end. In your shoes I'd end it and get him to move out - remember to change the locks.

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 09:00

You can leave anyone at any time for any reason.

Only you can say what is important for you, but I think you know this is just one of those last straws.

GeorgeTheHippo · 04/03/2018 09:12

"Protect you" from what?

That makes no sense.

Allthewaves · 04/03/2018 09:43

How long has sex life been on the rocks? My dh has lapsed many times over the years when things are stressful and he has hidden it as he was ashamed and knew i'd be all in his face about it.

Now iv taken the route that he is an adult and if he wants to smoke then it's up to him. I don't like it but it's his choice.

PoundingTheStreets · 04/03/2018 10:18

Leave. You're only five years in and already have issues around honesty, mis-matched sex drives and lifestyles. Even one of those factors is enough to break up a relationship - all three together are probably insurmountable unless you both love each other so much separation is unfathomable and you are both committed 100 per cent to making it work whatever it takes. I'd say you don't fall into that category and if you don't have children etc, why would you stay just because you worry about him being homeless, etc? He's an adult; that's his responsibility.

Original poster
nancybelle · 04/03/2018 11:04

Generally he has been ashamed about getting caught out and embarrassed that he was doing it. As far as I was aware he was completely off cigarettes and either used a bong or another method that doesn't use tobacco. He isn't reliant on me just now as he contributes but it is my house but when he retires/stops work it will be my hard work that will keep us. I feel for him as it must be horrible living with someone who doesn't want to have sex with him but I don't want to have sex with anyone! We definitely need another chat about parameters for change. Thanks for all the feedback, I'm still undecided but know I am not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Viviene · 04/03/2018 13:09

I cam on here to say I would not leave anyone over smoking. However, vaping or weed are my deal breakers and I would leave him for smoking weed.

falsepriest · 04/03/2018 13:14

@Viviene

VAPING is a dealbreaker over cigarettes? Confused

Bluelady · 04/03/2018 13:19

Cigarettes are OK and vaping is a deal breaker? What madness is this?

Viviene · 04/03/2018 13:25

@falspriest - yes, it is for me. I just can't stand it, I don't mind cigarettes.

specialsubject · 04/03/2018 14:00

Ah, so it is illegal drugs. A smoker is bad enough ( who wants to shag a stink) but he supports crime.

And is a liar.

3.5 billion other fish.

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