Am I a terrible wife?

12 replies

KateGrey · 03/03/2018 19:49

I’m starting to wonder if I’m horrible. Or that’s how my husband makes me feel sometimes. We have three kids aged between 9 and 5. My younger two both have autism. My youngest severely so. Youngest is currently only in school two hours a day (that’s a whole other story). My dh took a job early last year which means his hours are better and he’s home earlier. But I’m the main carer. I get that my husband financially provides but I’ve managed to get a part time role so am bringing in a little bit of money. The contention is with his hobbies. Typically he’s out two/three nights a week and then a Saturday morning 7-9. I don’t want to stop him doing things but I’m honestly exhausted. Im in battle with the school, dealing with my youngest and trying to parent. I have to sit on the bed of my youngest and it takes an hour for her to go to sleep. My other two don’t settle till 9 ish so I’m up and down the stairs. So I don’t get an evening especially if my husband goes out. A lot of the time he goes straight from work. When my husband says he wants to go out for the night I sigh not because I want to stop him doing stuff but because I end up putting the kids to bed (he never does it alone as I don’t tend to go out as I’m shattered by the end of the day). He never offers to put them to bed so I can just sit downstairs. Am I being awful? I don’t want to be controlling I try to be flexible as he can be a bit sulky. He was annoyed our youngest kept jumping on the sofa and this was after ten minutes yet I have hours of it plus screaming and meltdowns through the day. Things are taking its toll on me at the moment but it feels like that’s an inconvience to him and I should just get on with it. I also don’t feel he particularly likes me and finds me boring (I do understand at the moment I’m quite insular as I’m quite stressed) but I’m doing my best.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 03/03/2018 19:51

You need to do something out of the house on his nights of not being out. Let him do his equal share and see how tough it is for you. He sounds like a selfish twat to be honest with you.

Pengggwn · 03/03/2018 19:58

You see, I don't see this as you 'stopping' him or being controlling. I simply don't see why you should do the hardest part of the day yourself three times a week and then a weekend morning too. Why does he think that is reasonable?

ny20005 · 03/03/2018 20:04

Have you told him how exhausted & stressed you are ? Have you spoken to him about his hobbies ?

Some men don't know what's going on & if you've never said anything, he might assume everything's fine

pompomcat · 03/03/2018 22:38

@KateGrey you poor thing I don't think you sound terrible at all-in my experience (and I dont have much) it was more stressful looking after one child with SEN than doing any paid (officey type) work. You sound exhausted and I really feel for you. Do you feel able to pick a "good" time and raise this with him gently?

Rollonweekend · 03/03/2018 22:46

No. You are a very good wife and mother and he needs to do a lot more to help you. This isn’t fair on you. Arrange a time to have a calm talk about how overwhelmed you are feeling.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/03/2018 22:48

He sounds very selfish or deluded. Agree with the PP that you need to have some agreed time off too.

Typically he’s out two/three nights a week and then a Saturday morning 7-9

For the amount that he goes out - I would be royally pissed off. For what you've both got on your plate he's being very unreasonable.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 03/03/2018 22:49

You're not a terrible wife, he's not pulling his weight. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/03/2018 22:49

You sound like a good wife, just not a doormat. It’s not fair that he’s getting so much more time to himself. What would happen if you went out a bit more? Would he understand what he’s leaving you with?

Ssssurvey · 03/03/2018 22:53

I think you know you are not a terrible wife, so now on top of everything he is putting you in the position of having to fight for your rights within your family. He is being incredibly unfair

StaplesCorner · 03/03/2018 23:07

OP have you read your post back? You are literally scurrying around trying not to upset this prick. He finds you boring, so you try harder to please him.

You need to have a serious talk.

JoJoSM2 · 03/03/2018 23:17

He's just avoiding the tough life at home and dealing with children by being out. He needs to man up. In your shoes, I'd sit down with him and work out a fairer schedule. Frankly, having 3 children with 2 of them being extra challenging, I think he should consider himself lucky to get 3-4h a week out of the house on his own.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/03/2018 23:22

We live in a world where men are generally raised to believe that their wishes and needs matter, and they can do what they want. The problem is that this translates into men doing whatever they want at the expense of women. So your H considers that you exist purely to make his life easier, therefore he is entitled to hobbies and leisure but you don't 'need' any of that sort of thing.

If he's already hostile towards you, unfortunately, you putting it to him plainly that he needs to do his share and give up some leisure time so that you get some leisure time as well, is not likely to result in anything other than him stropping off and refusing to make any changes. it would definitely be worth looking into how you could cope as a single parent. Because the thing about living with a man who will not do his share of domestic work is that you would be happier if you got rid of him, because part of the mental misery a woman in this position feels comes from the unending hope that there is some kind of magic button that will make the selfish lazy prick change his behaviour. (There isn't). But when you know you're on your own, it's actually easier to face.

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