To ask how I make new friends??

[TheDeuteragonist]

This is going to sound terribly pathetic, but here goes!

I moved to where I currently live nearly 4 years ago. At the time I was studying for a PGCE, and although I made friends who I have on social media on that course, they're not really ones that I see at all. Since then I've flitted between jobs so haven't really made firm work friends.

I have 2 great friends I met from uni about 8 years ago, who I see every few months. They are both single and childless, so they do lots of things like travelling and I see and hear about what they've been doing.

It makes me really sad. They invite me but as DD is only 2 and DP works nights it's not really feasible for me to go travelling to India or even to go to a music festival for the weekend in the summer.

So my question is, how on earth do I make friends?? I want a social life beyond those 2 friends and my family but I just don't know how to go about it. Will it get easier when DD is in school? I'm only 27 so I'm still young and like having fun.

I really don't know what to do. It feels quite hopeless!

Go to groups with your dd.

Sorry, posted that without considering your work situation - it will be harder if you’re full time.

Not for everyone, but do you have toddler groups you can get to? They would be your first option.

If you are able to, perhaps a hobby or a class at the weekend? I did an access course with my first ds 14 yrs ago, just to get out of the house and use my brain.

I quite like doing classes and hobbies though, and realise it’s not for everyone, or affordable.

It does get easier at school when party invites happen, at you start chatting to other parents.

I work full time, which makes it impossible. I've tried to find something for us to do at weekends but there's not a whole lot going on for mums and babies, it's more aimed at families.

A hobby in the evening?

Reddit. They're all great over there ;)

I tried to join a netball group last year but the irregularity of DPs shifts and lack of childcare meant I couldn't go enough and felt bad about letting the team down.

I go to the gym twice per week for an hour, which is my 'me time' - even just having someone to go with and chat with would be great!

What about mums from the nursery? Or join a weekend mother and baby group or a walking group? Or the gym? Work and school gate is where I made my good friends and antinatal classes.

I’ve met all my friends through work (teaching- you all understand the whinges you all have) and DS.

My closest friends are linked through DS’s sporting life as it is intensive and invasive at times. We shared the travelling, kept each other company in the long competitions and sympathised with the (ludicrous) cost. Now we do all those things, but go on holiday (in the quiet time for the sport), drink coffee and wine and have a great time. Fortunately our DH’s are equally good friends.

Try searching “your town” mums or similar on Facebook, for my town there are 2 or 3 groups that you could add yourself too and the mums tend to arrange meet ups or play dates, it may mean making a post yourself but I’ve met a few mums this way and it helps in making that initial first step!

How confident would you feel going to a soft play place or park on your own and just start chatting? I sound outgoing, but I really am not, children are great icebreakers for starting a conversation.

I don’t know if this will help but I was in your situation two years ago. I used to get so down that I had no friends. Other people will help with suggestions but now dd is 4 and at school I have such a good social life with the other mums. Not sure if that’s because the school encourages meet ups etc but if I had known only two years later I would be turning people down because I was busy meeting with so many people that would have reassured me so much.
I hope you find friends. I joined the gym and went to classes, joined meetup.com, joined mush (get that app it’s actually quite good) but nothing stuck until now.
I also found toddler groups on a Saturday. Working ft does make it harder to make friends. I hope you find some soon

I reckon I have friends for two main reasons 1: through work/other activities I meet loads of different people and it really is a numbers game, for every 100 people I meet, I might keep in touch with 1 or 2 of them. 2: I make the effort to keep in touch with everyone, I organise events, remember their birthdays etc. You soon get a vibe whether people want to be friends but even if they do, if you sit back and wait to be invited out for coffee etc then you might find they just never take the initiative. That sounds like you'd be pushing yourself into people which I don't mean but just make sure you make a firm plan to see people otherwise 'let's go out sometime' never happens because as you know, life gets in the way. Also, keep in touch with people, those childless friends from uni might have kids in a few years and you find your lives more on the same wavelength.

That's not necessarily helpful as you need to meet people in the first place but don't be disheartened because it isn't easy I agree.

Invite a couple of your DD friends over to play at the weekend - their mums will stay for a coffee and this could be a starting point.

I'm starting a new job in two weeks, one which I hope will be the job I have a decent run in! I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be able to make some friends there.

I've spoken to a few mums at the nursery, but because of work I don't normally drop or pick her up, DP does. I've never really got so far as to exchange numbers or arrange play dates or whatever. I know DD has two great friends at nursery but I'm not sure if it would be weird to go out of my way to contact there mums to arrange a play date, without it happening naturally IYSWIM

Your problem isn’t you or your socialibility - it’s literally your timetable. Most mums with a 2 year old would be able to make friends at groups or something during the day, most working people/working mums could do things in the evenings but your dp’s schedule stops that! Work out when you have free to meet someone and work off that!
Try and book on classes at your gym so you are seeing the same people each week.
Speak to the other mums at nursery drop off/pick up - see if you can ask one out for a drink - you ask as you know when your dp isn’t working at that time
Join local Facebook mums
Speak to people through work - do a lunchtime course if they are available or set up a running group to go at lunch?

Could you look at reducing your hours? Your life sounds exhausting.
Or get pregnant again and join a second baby mums group in your area ;-)

Wait another year, if you manage the school door well, you might get some very good long term friendships from there.

Once you start having play dates, invite mums for a coffee when they pick up. I also found organising things with other children and their mums made a world of a difference.

Cross messages!
No it’s not weird at all to leave a note in your dd’s friends bags introduce yourself and say you know they play really well together would they like to meet for a play date and leave your number. Just don’t be upset if nothing comes of it - making mum friends is a bit like dating!

That's just the problem, I'm not an anti-social person and I love it when I get together with my old uni friends.

I definitely could make more of an effort with mums at the nursery and try and get play dates arranged.

Unfortunately going part time isn't an option just yet, although there is potential for that in a few years time if DPs career goes in the right direction.

And as for having a second....not quite sure if I'm there yet!!

I've made good friends through DD over the last 4 years at baby swimming lessons (shit and freezing cold), Baby walking group (prams/slings), library baby babble class, Sure Start play groups, playgroups at various schools and churches, through DD's ballet class, through DD's horse riding, etc etc. Get out there, smile, chat and remember everyone else is worrying about the same things as you! There are plenty of sling sites (if you are into that) and local sling library meet ups, advertised on Facebook or if you are into a certain 'thing' there are often FB groups for that, ie Punkymoms who hold local meet ups (for alternative types!). See if Breast Mates are recruiting volunteers? You can bring small children with you as you train and you will likely make friends and then have an excuse to chat to people at baby groups!