AIBU to want my husband to want to spend time with me?

[SadWifeToday]

My DH is always way busier than I am. I work full time and to me evenings and weekends would ideally be family time.

DH is self employed, he loves his work and is a workaholic so often he'll be working on an important project or working to a deadline during evenings and weekends (sometimes for weeks or months at a time). When he's not working, he has hobbies and friends so he fills (some of) his evenings and weekends with those.

My needs aren't being met, I'm a homebody who loves to spend time with him and the DCs, but I can see that for him, his needs are to stay busy and whiz around doing stuff.

I'd like to have some of my own hobbies e.g. maybe join a choir or go out to cinema, but if I start going out as well we'd never have any family time at all and I'd never see him. I feel I have to wait for the scraps (of his time).

During school holidays it's totally different and for the most part he seems to be able to spend time with me and the DCs.

Just for fairness, one of his hobbies involves one of the DCs so for example this week he's been up late every evening doing this particular hobby with one DC, while the other DC (and I) have felt a bit excluded and neglected by him.

So AIBU to think he should carve out some time to spend with me (and DCs together), or after 19 years together is it more normal to just live in the same house but do your own thing all the time?

We never go out together or spend any time together just the two of us.

Watching with interest .... This was me a few years ago but I realised dh wasn't responsible for my happiness and as we share different interests we often do our own thing. We will occasionally go out as a couple and currently we spend lots of time accommodating the kids. Right now it works, I am not his priority, he is not mine but I wouldn't change him or he at the moment

I think that's a good point you make Happygolucky009 - about not being responsible for each others happiness.

I am wondering whether the person who needs to change is me, but I'm not sure where to start. I have some bad habits (internet addiction being one!) and am really hopeless at generating any fun. If I have free time (which I seem to do now kids are bigger) I never know what to do with myself. I feel quite lonely. I'd like to make my home life better but not sure how to do it.

Can you not talk to him, tell him how unhappy you are feeling?

I would put in a place a date night every week/fortnight and get a babysitter and go out to the cinema, dinner, walks you can choose.

Then once you have couple time allotted you can work on adding to your own hobbies and confidently join the choir, book club etc so you have your own life.

This will stop you leaning too heavily on your family for enjoyment, you will have your own friends and hobbies.

If he does not want to go out with you for the date nights once they are arranged and booked, then you have identified a bigger problem than your social life together.

This would bother me. You're just there in the background, facilitating his life. If he's working so hard, and playing when he isn't, who does the domestic stuff?

If you're going to stay with him (I'm not sure if I could 😕) you REALLY do need to develop your own interests. Are your children of an age where they can be left for an evening? If not, you'll have to arrange a fair division of evening childcare with your DH.

Do you have friends you could go out for dinner/cinema etc with?

Do you have friends? Maybe you need to see them more if you do, or make some new friends and enjoy new hobbies, this will stop you feeling too lonely.

What a shame he can't see past his own needs to see that his family needs his time too.

Can you talk to him about reducing his hours? Some men just do what they do and are happy to have the wifey at home doing the drudgework (on top of their work outside of the home), but don't change their lives at all once the children arrive.

I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect him to put time aside to spend with his family. He's got time to spend with his friends, so it's clear there is actually time.

Why not ask him to save one evening a week for a date night with you and maybe you and the other DC that doesn't share the hobby with your DH could take up an interest together?

Ditto the date night idea from rocketgirl22, exactly what I came to suggest. Other half and I both independently really busy but having that one afternoon/evening where we just go out, or get a takeaway and a film and chill, or just walk the dog together is a lovely time :)

Yeah I agree you shld try to have a fortnightly or weekly date night to see him. Maybe pick one weekend a month for all family time and then separate off other weekends. Its not bad to have your own interests as well so join the book club or choir too

Firstly speak to your dh, tell him how you're feeling, secondly get a hobby so you're out of the house one evening a week. Women always seem to do do the most sacrificing.

Can you go out as a family ? He’s clearly outgoing and it’d benefit everyone to spend more time together.

There are some good suggestions here, thanks. I'm just about to take DS to cinema then town so will come back and reply later when I'm back home.

I did tell him a couple of weeks ago how I'm feeling and it made both of us feel sad but then busy lives started up again and neither of us have mentioned it.

Every holiday (when we're more connected) we both say we'll plan dates or shared activities but then when life is busy this doesn't happen. I probably need to be the one driving this through, I find going out in winter hard (staying in when I'm tired after work often seems more appealing).

He's great with the domestic stuff, he does masses, I'm the main breadwinner and admin person and he takes care of a lot of the domestic side.

Maybe start booking odd things in the diary for yourself, the family and also some date nights. You don't have to have any drama over it, just start looking at some things you'd like to do and start from there. Good luck with it!

So he makes time for the DC but not you? I wouldn't be very happy with that OP? Can you join a gym or get a dog? Both good ways to meet normal, interesting people and make friends.
Funny how DHs don't listen to or act on their DWs telling them thbey are upset/lonely/miserable then act all shocked when DW ups and offs. (Been there done that no regret).

GrannyGrissle your'e so right, my DH certainly isn't great at listening to what I've been saying on and off for years!

A lot of you are saying do date nights so I think I'm going to try and prioritise this, even if it ends up being date lunch on a day I work from home I'm going to force him to spend time with me in the next couple of weeks. A few weeks ago he was suggesting that we spend time together at lunchtimes (I can work from home a couple of days a week) going for a walk together or going for lunch, but this has never happened because he's been too busy.

He seems to have good intentions, saying he wants to do things with me / spend time with me but it never actually happens.

I'm wondering whether to start a new thread in relationships. It feels like there's a lot of stuff in my head to unmuddle. I'm finding it hard to work out whether I've tried hard enough over the years and not seen any change and therefore I should be thinking about leaving, or whether I haven't tried hard enough and should put more effort in to forcing the issue. Though I feel kind of sad that I need to force the issue.

Good luck with that. You are very reasonably asking for your husband's time, and you are going to surprise him when you ask for some of it, as he probably thinks because he is "doing stuff" that he's doing enough. I hope he hears what you're asking for and doesn't dismiss your needs. And I f he can spend time with his friends regularly he can very easily put a date in the diary to see you and catch up with you once a week. If not then yeah you're just an accessory to his life.