To cut this friend out of my life

[Choccywomble]

Just wanted others opinions really about whether I have been unreasonable or not.

I had a friend who had a DC of the same age. Our DC’s were always playing together and we had some lovely times. Gradually her DC started to pick on mine during play dates. It started off small, running away from them, saying something spiteful but then escalated to hiding belongings at school, taking all their friends away and even telling my DC that they liked to upset them. It got to the point where within minutes of any play date my DC was in tears and they were coming home from school upset. My DC approached my friend about this as we have always told them to speak to an adult, at first my friend would tell her DC to play nice and say sorry and for a while this sorted the problem. I spoke to my friend about it and she said that what my DC thought of as being mean was just her DC’s way of playing. I began to stop my DC playing with hers so much thinking that would solve the problem. Me and my friend still met up but inside school hours and got on fine. However, on one occasion we had our DC’s with us. Within minutes her DC had started picking on mine again only this time my ‘friend’ got down into my DC’s face and told them they sounded like a baby and they needed to toughen up ( they were 4 at the time) and that maybe if they did her DC would stop being mean. I was horrified and really angry. I made my excuses and left. The bullying esculated at school with teachers witnessing it punishing her DC and keeping our DC’s apart. I went into the school about it and I learned that my DC was not the only victim. Other children had been, scratched, hit and pushed. My friend refused to acknowledge the bullying and continued to argue that my DC was overly sensitive. The children no longer spend anytime together outside of school and my DC is a lot happier. However, I have been so upset by this friends behaviour that I have also cut her out of my life. We barely talk now. Was I being unreasonable? (I did have PND at the time) I just couldn’t forgive her attitude.

Stay away from her. Sub conscious or not, she is sending signals to her D.C. that picking on your D.C. is okay.

I think it was for the best. It would have been hard to continue the friendship under the circumstances.

You're right to stay away from her. You are putting your DCs health and happiness first which is the right thing to do.

I think we can all see where her DC has got learned their horrible behaviour from!

I find it hard to believe that the school told you that your dc wasn’t the only victim and what the child had supposedly done to other children. Highly unprofessional if they did.
It’s likely that it is a mixture of both your dc being sensitive and her dc being rough and teasing which is going to mean they will clash.
My kids have some very teasy friends who can be quite mischievous and goading at times and I’ve just taught my dc to say that they don’t want to play if they’re not being kind and get a book or something and do their own thing. More often than not the other child will then realise that they need to play nice or be bored! Sometimes it’s just easier not to meet up with kids though if you know there’s going to be unpleasantness.
Whether you want to continue the friendship is your call but I would consider that maybe your friend was as frustrated with what she perceived as constant oversensitivity, trying to get her child in trouble and rattling over minor things as you were with what you perceived as meanness.
How much did you enjoy having her as a friend without the kids around? Is it possible you could just both come to an agreement that they aren’t a good mix right now and to only ever meet up alone? Kids do change. I’ve found some challenging kids to be lovely a couple of years later and also the reverse - the sweetest children can end up being bullies. It depends on how keen you are to preserve the friendship and only you can answer that really.

If your children don't get on then it's still fairly easy to be friends with someone. But if the friend's child actually treats your own badly then it is very difficult and it could send a message to your child that you don't completely have her back.

Cutting her out would be the very least I would do

I’d have been murderous if she’d spoken to my 4yo like that

You’re right to cut her out. Her behaviour towards your child was horrendous and it’s no wonder the apple isn’t falling far from the tree.

Reading the op again it seems that you have already cut her off and are asking if you were unreasonable?
If you no longer wish to see her then of course you aren’t! No-one is obliged to be anyone’s friend.

I think you did the right thing. I've has s couple of instances of a mother having a complete blind spot around her children's bullying behaviour, and walked away from a good friend on account of it.

You did the right thing