Unknown generosity...

[isitmeurlookin4]

DH & I got married just over 3 years ago. In the beginning his DM would send gifts to family (eg Cousin's Children on their birthday) and put all of our names on the card.

She would post on FB congratulating friends on engagements and births on behalf of all of us. It drove me mad but all DH would say is that she's his DM and she's always done it.

I said I would prefer she didn't that we should give gifts and congratulations ourselves. He shrugged it off and it stopped.

I've just found out that she's continued to do it, has told DH and he's choosen not to tell me for the sake of a quiet life.

I got thanked today in a garage by a random woman I don't know for giving a gift to her son and his wife on the birth of their daughter! I am annoyed but AIBU?

You could just take it upon yourself to start sending these things by yourself and not tell MIL. Do this consistently and perhaps she would have to stop sending things on your behalf.

I have done. When it's someone we would buy a gift for I do and I don't feel the need to tell MIL what I've done. It's not keeping it a secret it's just normal to me not to always run and broadcast every move.

I just don't understand why if she's buying a gift for someone she knows she can't just write from MIL & FIL and be down with it.

If I am BU to object to that , surely I'm not BU that DH has been lying by omission? Or am I a control freak?

*done with it

Look upon it as a money saving exercise.

It is annoying but if she doesnt annoy you doing that then what will she do instead?

You are a bit of a control freak or just a bit unreasonable really.

If your MIL was used to signing her gifts and cards from her whole family and she now considers you and your kids to be part of that family too- what harm does it actually cause to have her do that? She is paying for the gifts and you are getting the credit. Who cares????
I would actually thank her next time you see her and begin to try to see it as her way of showing you thatdshe considers you family.
Be grateful.

Thanks for the opposing side @Isadora2007

It just feels wrong to me and I guess I'm smarting as I stood in the middle of the shop looking blankly at this woman as I had no clue what or who she was talking about.

My MIL does it from SIL because she wants her family to be known as remembering people and generous. But SIL doesn't and isn't. Maybe your MIL is the same. My MIL bought separate gifts that she pretended were bought by SIL though (who then spoils the illusion by saying "what present?" when you thank her) she doesn't just add everyone's name to something she bought to send from herself.

MIL used to put our names on until DH told her he was no longer a kid. When DS was born she sent Christmas presents and cards to DH and me from him. It creeped me out as she wrote little baby messages from him in the cards. DH and I had already bought each other gifts from him. DH had more words.

Unfortunately I don't think she will stop whilst your DH isn't bothered. Just keep sending your own so she looks a fool.

It's MIL that's the control freak!!!

I know she sends gifts and does many many other things on behalf of her DD (who can't seem to go to the loo without DMs say so) but I've been a grownup for a long time and I don't see why I should have to go back to being a child and have things done for me.

Let's face it op, it could be worse. Look at fine of the mil threads on here.
She wants to include you, big deal. I think you have to look hard here for something to rile you.

I would love this as I may be the worst remberer and sender of stuff ever, maybe I could get my MIL to do this. Seriously I would ignore it completely and send gifts and cards to those you would want to and let her crack on with the rest.

God I would love this! Someone else doing the crap wifework and saving me time, energy and money - what’s not to like?!

It's not much of a crime really, is it? Are you looking to be offended by her?

Have a quick look at transactional analysis stuff- she is treating you “like a child”
And you are classically responding by stamping your feet and saying huffily and childishly “I’m not a child”. It’s funny really.

So be the adult. Realise it makes very little difference to your life. Ask if she could let you know when she gives gifts in your name by all means to avoid embarrassment- but be gracious and grown up and don’t let it come between you and your husband.

It’s harmless
Let it go

IKWYM

My ILs do this when they write a card and put everyone’s name which I can just about stand. However they do it in Even in my DS and put my name & DHs in it.
I feel like screaming HES OUR SON WE’LL GET OUT OWN CARD!

My late DM used to do this with a friend of hers who used to get me presents for birthdays and Christmas. She always forgot to actually inform me that she'd done this and the first I'd know of it would be her friend thanking me for some present that id apparently got her. So embarrassing.

My DM does this, puts my name at the end of every card she sends out. I really appreciate it though, as I have an extremely large family & am not the best at organisation & would always forget if I did it separately also saves me money. But it’s a bit wrong if you’ve told her to stop & she hasn’t

It gets to me that someone who will barely speak to me does it. Someone who in the 10+ years I've known her son has made no attempt to get to know me. (Yes I've made an effort with her - I'm just not 'her type of person')

It gets to me that people are told that she's done it as I'm too busy 'and wouldn't be bothered with things like that'

It bothers we that I buy cards and gifts for my nephew and others in the family and am told to keep them because MIL put our names on the card and it would make her look bad.

I'm not ungrateful by nature - just struggling as the imperfect addition to family perfect.

I am grateful for all of the replies in this post. You've given me perspective. I've got a bit too caught up in all the 'stuff' (not card related and too long and complicated to MN) and haven't appreciated the things she does which are reasonable - There are times when this might be one. So to you all