AIBU for not resolving this with my sister.

[Autumnsparkles]

I would really appreciate some advice on this. Sorry that this is so long.

DS and I fell out 2 years ago. The initial silly argument was 50/50. I stupidly thought that we could sulk with each other for a week and then have a chat and get over it.

It didn’t happen that way. Every time I tried to speak to her she had another reason to be mad at me. It was like she would go away and find another reason to be Mad at me. It was clear that she harboured a lot of resentment towards me.

I tried to resolve it with her several times but It was clear that she wasn’t interested. It became harder as she included her adult children in the argument who also called me to question “my behaviour” At this point it became clear that my sister had some kind of victim situation going on and from what my nieces said, she had lied about what had gone on between us. She also ignored my children and I was sad watching them be upset by it.

I messaged my sister to say that I would not continue to be abused by her and if she could not find a way to come to a middle ground, I would rather be NC. She never replied but blocked me on social media. I had my answer.

Since then everytime that the subject has come up with my Mum, my mum has indicated that my sister has wanted to resolve the situation but can’t as I went NC

I did feel that even with me stating NC, if my sister really did want to reach out then she could. However I thought maybe she had changed her mind and was too proud to contact me and so I reached out again.

She was happy to hear from me but basically communicated that she was glad that I had come to my senses and it was clear that she still feels that it was my fault but if I am happy to apologise than she is happy to accept. I apologised several times for everything she came at me for when she did but now it seems she wants an apology for the NC.

The thing is even though the thought of not having her in my life makes me feel sick, I am not sure that I can rebuild a relationship where I am the one apologising all the time. Sadly I feel that after two years, if she is still unable to see that she played a part in all of this then she never will.

However now she is sending gifts to my children (I never stopped sending to hers but she has not bothered with mine at all) and the rest of the family do not understand why I am still cautious. I have told my mum that the last part of communication with sister confirms why I was correct in going NC.

So am I wrong? In two years, every form of communication has been instigated by me and she has not taken any responsibility for any of it. Or am I letting pride cloud my judgement and should I reach out once last time and just accept the situation?

I wouldn't apologise anymore to her. I would say it is time to draw a line under this, and whilst you have apologised for your part in the argument, she needs to do the same or at the very least stop asking you for further apologies. She sounds rather unpleasant actually. Do you really want her in your life, forcing apologies and denying any fault of her own? In your shoes I wouldn't be prepared to continue allowing her to humiliate me and force me to accept all of the blame. You'll be treading on eggshells waiting to be blamed for the next time she feels you've wronged her.

Also should have mentioned that we were previously very close. Spoke every day and birthing partners to each other.

She sounds insufferable. She wants you to apologise for going NC even though she was abusing your character and ignoring you and your children? She will never change.

Is she older than you? Did this dynamic start in childhood, was she jealous of you as a child?

Wineandrosesagain

That is just how I feel - humiliated. It has taken me two years to get my self confidence back after she ripped me apart and I really am in self preservation mode. My family members do not seem to think that this is good enough and keep bringing up my children to guilt me into rebuilding a relationship.

CherryMaDeary

Yes she is older. I think there was clear resentment although I didn’t see it. I was happily married and DH and I helped her a lot financially and emotionally as she was a single mum with an abusive ex. This all started just after she met a new partner (happy for her, I know him and he is a lovely man) who moved in with her after a few weeks. Part of me felt like she no longer needed me to enable her (which I had been doing for years) and she wanted to prove she had everything she needed but as time went on she stayed in the victim role (with me the agressor) and that is hard to go back on now if she accepts responsibility and how it will look to her DP and DC. I am sure I am over simplifying this though.

What was the argument about?

It is hard, but I think you'd be better off staying NC. How old are your children? Can you explain to them that it's not because of them that she stopped giving them presents?

Tell your mum that you're not going to take sole responsibility for the fall out, and that your family should stop pressuring you.

I went NC with my brother. We'd never been close, as he was always a git towards me. Mum told me he wanted to hold out an olive branch, so I emailed him, using a throwaway email address because I didn't trust him and didn't want him having my actual email addy. My instinct was correct, his reply was in a large, bold, red font, and full of abuse. When I next spoke to Mum, I read it out to her, and she then understood why I wanted nothing to do with him.

I have to have a relationship with him now, as Mum has been ill for a few years and he lives with her, so we occasionally speak, and we're civil, but that's the only reason I have anything to do with him now.

If it's taken you two years to rebuild your self esteem, you shouldn't put yourself back in that toxic situation, and don't be pressured by family, or put up with it because otherwise your children don't get presents from her. Your mental health is more important, and your children will understand when they're adults.

What was the argument about?

Correction, ask yourself what DSis thinks the argument was about. It might be quite revealing.

She has slot of resentment and is playing victim, but is she entitled to? You threatened NC , she went non- contact but you are claiming you went NC.
But you won't be friends with her if she doesn't accept responsibility for the disagreement.
I suppose in situations like this it's hard to know the truth if it. Even the people in the argument don't know or won't accept the truth so it's hard for others to weigh in.

It’s been hard because I have tried to listen to her truth but she has refused to listen to mine.

The initial argument was because she believed that I had failed to recognise something that she was going through. I had encouraged her new relationship but she felt I shouldn’t have as “I knew what she went through with her ex” I was mortified that she thought this. I only ever wanted her to be happy and apologised but she believed that I knew and chose to ignore it by being malicious. She has always believed this and I can honestly hand on heart say that I would never behave like this towards her or anyone. At the time I put it down to her being in a new relationship which she was insecure about. (They are still together and very happy)

After that she was upset that I had not contacted my niece by telephone (we had text several times). This was not unusual for me and DN but DS felt that I should make more of an effort for the upset that had been caused. Again this led to me apologising.

It got to a stage where DS would say “you did this because” and I would have to defend myself.

I can understand that she feels that I have wronged her but I know that I have not and I can’t keep apologising when she is wrong.

This is why I have struggled so much over the last 2 years. I have really pulled myself apart. I don’t understand what I could have done to make my sister believe that I could be so malicious. I wonder if she always thought this about me and why? I always helped her out, I bought her childrens birthday and Christmas presents because she was struggling financially, I bought her a car. I never asked for anything financially but emotionally she was my rock and I needed her so I saw it as always being there for each other.

I do see now how unhealthy this was.

This sounds to me like you might have been TOO close and TOO involved with each other’s lives.

Maybe you need to agree to get your relationship back on track and just talk about anything other than relationships?

It would be interesting to know what her version of the events are.

It would also be interesting to know what the argument was about.

As ever three sides to a story.

You are right to be cautious. I would tell her that you have apologized and its now time to move on. Why is she so insistent about another apology?

I stupidly thought that we could sulk with each other for a week and then have a chat and get over it.

I've gone NC with someone who thinks/acts like that
Like she could act how she wanted them after X amount of time act like everything was rosy.

It sounds like she resents you, IMHO.
I’d stay no contact. I’d be so incredibly hurt if someone I had helped so much turned on me like this. Your family must know about the car and financial help and all the other times you’ve helped her.

I saw this a bit between MIL and SIL. SIL got into a new relationship with someone who was a proper partner unlike her ex. MIL was dumped as a friend but somehow it's all MILs fault...? There have been very nasty accusations from SIL completely unjustified, some at me (again unjustified).

It's like SIL wanted the right to ditch MIL but expected her to come running after her/do what she wanted without there being the same friendship element anymore.