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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU XP

21 replies

cjholly · 01/03/2018 18:58

Background my DP lives 250 miles away from me and we see each other for about 8 days per month, he is currently trying to find a job closer to me to move in with me and my 2 children.
AIBU in being annoyed when my DP spends time with his XP doing things they did when they were a couple, he also involves his Grown up Children if they are home from Uni?
He knows i don't like it so he doesn't tell me as he doesn't want to hurt me....

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2018 19:00

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John4703 · 01/03/2018 19:01

Why does he spend time with his ex partner?
I'd never spend time with my ex - she is an ex for reasons.
when my DP spends time with his XP doing things they did when they were a couple, does this involve sex?

Kingsclerelass · 01/03/2018 19:03

If he has children at uni, he's bound to do stuff with them.
With the ex-partner though? I wouldn't like that. How long have you been together? Are the children trying to get them back together?

WTFIsThisVirus · 01/03/2018 19:06

What exactly is it that they do together?

Original poster

cjholly · 01/03/2018 19:06

No it's not sex.... theatre, cinema, pub!
Just think it's wierd as I don't spend time with my ex for a reason!
And I am not asking him not to see his kids they are lovely it's just them doing family things with his ex I don't like.

OP posts:

Original poster

cjholly · 01/03/2018 19:08

For background XP isn't their mum

OP posts:

Aprilmightmemynewname · 01/03/2018 19:09

Sounds like he is still to attached to her to move on properly with you. Cut him loose.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2018 23:06

How long you been together OP?

OnlyAbigail · 01/03/2018 23:16

I would be questioning whether he's actually split up from her. He's probably telling her that he's working away on the 8 days per month that he sees you!

MorningsEleven · 01/03/2018 23:24

He's not your partner - you live 250 miles apart and he shags you when his ex isn't around. He's using you, her and anyone else who'll fall for his bullshit. Find a decent man.

Original poster

cjholly · 01/03/2018 23:34

We have been together 3 years, I have met his kids, we are open on social media and attend family events together and I stay at his when I can so I am not a hidden away shag!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2018 23:43

No I'm wondering how many times your kids have met him before he moves in

Yellowshadeofgreen · 01/03/2018 23:46

8 days per month, are you absolutely certain he has split up with her? That would be my concern. There is a lot you can hide 250 miles away.

Original poster

cjholly · 01/03/2018 23:46

They met him 3 years ago when we got together and see him when we are together plus been on family holidays so they know him and like him

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2018 02:17

Even assuming that they also see him 8 days a month, and you said you stay at his when you can sip I'm assuming they see him less than that, that still isn't very much. Given your concerns about his relationship with his ex on top, perhaps he should lon for a job and a place to live until you see if it works seeing him every day, the kids seeing him ask the time.

If it wasn't an acrimonious split then I don't see an issue with them being friends. Unless he is cancelling you to see her I don't see that you really have an argument

VladmirsPoutine · 02/03/2018 02:46

How old are your kids? So for 3 years you've seen him 8 days a month but never lived together?

I'd personally run like the wind but each to their own.

WTFIsThisVirus · 02/03/2018 08:32

8 days a month is basically the equivalent of each weekend, how is that unusual when they don't live together and he lives 250 miles away?

I despair of mumsnet sometimes.

To me, it sounds like they just still have a good relationship. It is possible for exes to get along. Just cos you don't with yours doesn't mean he can't with his.. If you're not comfortable, though, it's not wrong to raise concerns, but there's nothing you can do 250 miles away.

Annechristmas · 02/03/2018 09:08

Why did they split up OP?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2018 09:10

WTFIsThisVirus it isn't unreasonable that that I'd ask they can sip given the distance. But as the kids have seen him even less than that given she stays at his when she can, it might be considered unreasonable Rio move him into the house and then have good adult children potentially stopping over.
Getting a job by her shows a huge commitment but why can't he rent for 6 months before potentially throwing the kids lives into chaos

kubex · 02/03/2018 09:25

I don't see the problem with this at all. Some people stay friends with their exes.

Do you all go out together when you stay at his? Maybe suggest meeting at the pub for lunch next time so you and his ex can get to know each other.

She is obviously important to your DP so you.should make an effort to get to know her

Original poster

cjholly · 02/03/2018 12:04

Thx all for your advice, lots to think about

OP posts:

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