to be annoyed ex let DD down (snow)

[appleandrhubarb44]

I'm not really sure if how I feel is reasonable or not, or to act on it..

exH and I share 4 yo DD. Generally get on okay, he has her thursday and sundays but no overnights as he flat shares and we agree its not really appropriate for her to stay over.

On tuesday we had her first ever proper snow so I took her out with her cousins and she loved it, sent a few photos to ex and he replied saying he was upset to miss it but would take her out in it today. Dd loves her dad and counts down the days until its their day together so she has been excited, especially given the snow.

Weds eve rolls around he calls DD says he will take her sledging tommorow and she is beyond excited, he texts me to say he will collect her as normal at 9am.

8am this morning he texts to ask if its bad here (no additional snow, fairly small amount), he lives abt 10 min drive/10 min train or 30 min bus away, he doesn't drive so relys on the train generally. He said trains are getting delayed so he will let me know a time, 9am turns up DD keeps asking where dad is and I'm not getting any update from him so take DD out to a field next to the house. We were out for 2 hours with no response from ex, I text him again saying where are you are you coming DD waiting, an hour later he texts to say trains are a nightmare and he is now waiting to try get a lift in.

I decided then just to leave him to it and he just didn't show, text him at 2pm saying I assume no lift, he replied saying he doesnt think he'll get in tell DD sorry.

I'm gutted for her she was so dissapointed, if he said at 8am trains were bad and he wouldnt have made it she could have been distracted but now I can tell shes hurt and I don't even know had I not have text and ask if hed even have let us know.

After my snippy response he just its not his fault he can't control the weather

I think yabu. He's clearly a hands in dad usually. It's not his fault the weather is bad.

*hands on

Well - he could probably have anticipated Weds night that the trains might be an issue for 9am on a Thursday morning, and not promised.

But equally you might also have anticipated this and not got DD's hopes up.

So I think both probably a bit to blame for not thinking ahead and making contingency plans. He's right he can't control the weather but he could have planned better. You should have realised too that it was difficult for him and managed expectations.

No it isn’t his fault the weather is bad Name but he could keep in touch with his DD.

Yanbu he’s an idiot for not keeping in touch. I do hope DD enjoyed her time with you.

It took me an hour and a half on the bus to get to the hospital for a procedure this morning. Snow wasn't horrendous, roads well gritted. The journey would normally take 15 mins max. He sounds like he's generally a good dad otherwise.

But yes - his lack of communication was a bit shit. But if he's usually not shit then I would give the benefit of the doubt on this one occasion.

Yanbu yes he can't control the weather but he can control his communication. He couldn't let you know first thing as he needed to try first but by 11am he probably knew it wasn't going to happen and should have let you know. You shouldn't have to chase it.

Yabu. Trains have been horrific. The snow has quite literally ground things to a halt.

Yes your dd was disappointed but unless you are about to drip feed that he always does this i.e. lets her down, then I'm afraid you'll just have to accept that the snow has rendered some people totally and wholly inconvenienced.

Have you tried to travel by train at the moment? If not, give it a go and see how you get on.

I think YAB a BU , but your dd is 4 and so old enough to understand that daddy tried to get here but couldn’t because the trains are all cancelled , I don’t see how him telling you earlier would have affected how upset she is as you went out anyway it’s not like you were sitting indoors by the door with her coat on / bag packed waiting to go .

Oh I understand travel has been majorly disrupted but both his town and ours haven't been majorly affected with snow and I've seen many buses. I think if he knew first thing trains were out he should have called and spoke to DD and explained or tried to organise a way of getting in, I feel that he dragged it on and on. In the process it halted our day as if I knew first thing he wasn't going to make it then I'd have made plans other than hanging about on the field incase he turned up.

She would have been disapointed if she knew this morning yes but not as upset as she was this afternoon having hung around for him most of the day.

You both should have had the sense to cancel today’s contact and rearrange it.

Yep in retrospec probably should have cancelled, I had just thought given trains were running okay and roads fine (taxis + buses would be working) that he would make the extra effort to see her.

Do you not think it's possible he was trying hard to get to you, but the situation was both changeable and uncertain and he was waiting for clarity? Yes, he waited too long, but I can see how it could happen. Sometimes if you really hope to not let someone down you hold out, waiting and hoping you'll get there? Have you never been in that sort of position? Given everything you say about their good connection, I'd imagine that was it.

Yabu

You are looking to be offended/put out/annoyed

that he would make the extra effort to see her.

Which is what he did though, Isn’t it?

If it is a ten minute journey that sounds quite ridiculous that he couldn’t give you a definitive answer at 8:50 when at the train station they would have said trains running/not running etc?

I don’t get all these posters saying he was trying?? Wtf was he doing all day?

If it was that big a deal and it meant that much to her, knowing he was having problems why didn't you drop her round there?

My husband has been stuck in Glasgow for the past 3 nights (we live in the midlands) with changing travel plans every hour. Our DS is desperately missing his dad but it's tough. He is feeling let down but part of being a parent is having to prepare our children for the fact things can't always go as planned.
You both shoukd have been more sensible about this earlier and whilst contact is important sometimes you've got to be sensible about travel especially if little one would have been on these delayed trains too.

I obviously wasn't a fly on the wall so I can't say he 100% didnt try but given buses and trains were running (yes with some delays but still running), and he probably could have got a taxi I don't think he could have done his best. And even if all the above options were impossible he could have worked that out by 9am not after me asking where he was by the afternoon. If he genuinely was really trying different options to get here would he not have updated me.

I had to sell my car so if I took her it would be me DD + sledge on the bus and I wouldn't be prepared to do that after 1pm when she was cold and worn out, he also doesn't have anywhere they could go out in the snow really the area is quite built up.

She wouldn't have been travelling with ex, the plan was to sledge locally, his parents live in walking distance so he would have taken her there, they don't spend a lot of time at his as its shared they mainly go out for the day just popping back to his for food and bits she hasn't got any toys or anything at his.

I think its just one of those things, this alone wouldnt be enough to be annoyed about it sounds like he genuinely wanted to come and see his daughter and hes propably gutted he couldnt make it. We can all look back and say well you should of done this first or you could of tried harder doing this. It does sound like you want to be annoyed at him and you want him to mess up.

I truly don't want him to mess up, I think my feelings may be a bit OTT because DD was quite upset so I think I'm just hurt on her behalf and maybe I've gone overboard on her behalf. I haven't said anything much to him other than the final reply when he said he wasn't coming that really just said okay, but wish you had told us that earlier.

I think largely yes travel isn't great at mo and he obviously couldn't face waiting around at train station or bus stop but surely it could have gone more like 8am text can't get a train I'll check other ways 9/10am sorry can't make it. Doesn't take all day to decide its impossible when you know a little girl is waiting and excited.