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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think taking time off Work to care for sick children is as much a dads responsibility as it is a mums?

49 replies

FeckBuggerAndArse · 01/03/2018 16:45

That, basically. Why is it perfectly accepted that I can phone work and say “I can’t come in today, my child is sick” but my ex seems to think he can’t.

Is this either:

Patriarchal bullshit that doesn’t make it acceptable for him to take time off for this.

Or, he’s lying and he has fun plans for his day off (yes, he’s claiming he’s been been called in his day off) and can’t be arsed with looking after his sick child.

OP posts:

Bodicea · 01/03/2018 18:23

I would also add that I get paid a lot less than DH. But he respects what I do so would never dream of using that to suggest I should take the time off.

Rosamund1 · 01/03/2018 18:24

But didn’t you know, men have real jobs and yours is for just fun.

Rockandrollwithit · 01/03/2018 18:30

YANBU.

DH and I both teach so can't take annual leave. We alternate days if we really need to.

DarthNigel · 01/03/2018 18:33

YANBU... it's one (of many) reasons I'm now getting divorced. And it still happens now-though a bit less as the penny is finally dropping-plus it's easier for him now-he's got quite senior. Me not so much. Funny that given that I was constantly calling in when the kids were sick or leaving early to pick the kids up!!

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2018 18:44

Blue lady what about her employers opinion?
Slack panther I completely agree with the sentiment but in fairness do you find out when your staff come in to work when their child is off sick, as their oh is doing childcare?

SlackPanther · 01/03/2018 20:47

Good point, Stealth, and I know there are times when the Dad’s step in, but given that the health, behavioural and educational details of each child of everyone in our office is updated on a daily basis I am sure I would know if they were ill while the Mum was in work

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2018 20:48

Ah that sort of place. Fair enough

Cockmagic · 01/03/2018 20:50

I agree completely.

My DDS father is useless so you have my sympathy.

My partner on the other hand goes above and beyond to help out with DD, leaving work early and taking me to and from my workplace.

Sciurus83 · 01/03/2018 20:53

Absolutely! I have three men in my team who will all either take time off or work from home (often with some amusing teleconference disruptions) when their kids are ill. It should be a normal thing and it's important we all create a work culture where that's possible and normalised.

missymayhemsmum · 01/03/2018 20:59

It absolutely is an equal responsibility. But I suspect that the very traditional junior colleague returning from maternity leave would be shocked at the idea of her partner taking time off with the baby if I were to suggest it as her manager. And the other women in the office would agree that a sick child needs his mummy. And thus it continues.

ilovemilton · 01/03/2018 21:08

My exh had it written into his court order that he was only responsible for the children until the start of / from the end of the school day. Any absences were mothers responsibility.

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/03/2018 21:15

Me and my husband both have jobs where it isn’t easy to just phone up one morning and say we aren’t coming in as I’m a nurse and he’s a teacher.

It’s easier for him to call in as he just gets his classes covered whereas if I phone in it leaves an already over stretched ward one nurse down.

However, we simply take it in turns when one of us needs to stay home.

LBOCS2 · 01/03/2018 21:16

That's appalling @ilovemilton. How did he wrangle that?!

I bring in about 1/3rd of what DH does, as I work part time and term time only, but my day-rate isn't that much less than his. If we have a sick child we take it in turns to WFH, depending on which of us has immovable (usually client facing) meetings.

ilovemilton · 01/03/2018 21:38

Because he took me back to court once when I had made him look after them on a snow day when they had woken at his after contact. I’m a nurse and he works in a shop.

LucheroTena · 02/03/2018 07:56

DH and I share it and always have. Sometimes it’s been less difficult for one or the other of us to cancel our day. He works in a macho industry and I’m in health. It is annoying when women return from mat leave, you bend over backwards (often understaffing the rest of the team) to accommodate flexible working requests and then they are off every other shift with unwell child. Because the mans job is “more important” (the times I’ve heard that chestnut)- this from people in safety critical roles!

Parker231 · 02/03/2018 12:50

IheartNiles - it similar to holiday requests. I approve for a team of about 50 and I’m fed up with parents (unfortunately usually Mums) assuming they will always get their holidays approved for school holidays. I’ve had to reject a few this year as they didn’t apply in time and others are taking the time off they wanted.

SlackPanther · 02/03/2018 13:57

iloveMilton: that is SHOCKING that a court agreed that.

Shows how deep in our system this level of sexism runs.

theSnuffster · 02/03/2018 14:13

I'm generally the one to take time off, not because I'm female but because I earn less and work fewer hours so it's financially the better decision.

mumofmunchkin · 02/03/2018 14:22

My dh normally takes time off, because he gets x number of paid "family" days a year for this sort of stuff and I would have to take unpaid leave or annual leave. I work part time though, so it's only if it falls on days we both work, and if he really had to be in for some reason I would obviously do it.

Original poster

FeckBuggerAndArse · 03/03/2018 22:59

Ok, I’ll try to answer all the points, I could see from his work calendar that he was not rota’d to be in work that day, the day in question was also not one of my normal scheduled work days, but if been asked to come in (and been off a day earlier in the week instead as I work part-time) to cover a particularly short staffed day. (I work for the nhs) Youngest child (11) needed to be cared for, I was meant to be in work and Ex was meant to be off. The solution seemed obvious to me. But when I asked him to look after her he suddenly needed to go into work, and of course it’s assumed that I can call work and bail, but he can’t.

He only has the children alternate weekends, so never has to call off work to care for them if they’re sick, so that’s kinda a moot point.

OP posts:

karmacoma1 · 04/03/2018 03:26

It SHOULD be shared - absolutely.

In my case I went back to work the start of the year, and i had to take time off work 3 times as nursery had sent dd home for various reasons.

The fourth time I put my foot down and said to dh he had to deal with it. He works in a very old school, Labour/mechanic industry, and they were unsupportive, to say the least.

The dinosaurs could not get their head around why he should step up and help out. Apparently this sort of thing should always fall to the little wifey.

It infuriates me.

wendz86 · 04/03/2018 07:32

Yes it is both parents responsibility . I tend to take more time off as I feel my ex’s job is a bit more ‘life or death’ Than mine but he has also taken time off and offers to take time off .

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 04/03/2018 07:34

YANBU, but DH would never agree with me. If the DC wake up in the night, he wakes me up.

Original poster

FeckBuggerAndArse · 04/03/2018 12:18

bluepears

if it falls on a day you are their carer i think its down to you?

So always then, seeing as he only has them alternate weekends and never during the week, so never has to juggle childcare or do school runs...... yeah, no. Parenting isn’t just for alternate weekends, although you’d think so from his behaviour.

SymetricalButtocks
He never got up to them in the night either, it’s one of the many reasons he’s now my ex.

OP posts:

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