To ask how you would deal with this- green eyed monster related

[Timeforachange2018]

So, I have a very close friend who has had a lot of support him her life. She’s now 43. She’s never had to hit a car - her parents always do that for her- she’s only ever worked 1 hours a week as an alternative therapist & her parents paid for the training. They have her 200k in cash to buy her flat so she’s never had a mortgage- no kids- and now she has just met a man who is wealthy & they have bought a massive house for 1.2 million mostly cash. No kids.
Me- 2 kids, normal job, renting but parents have given me 15k deposit for which I am grateful but struggling to get a mortgage I can afford or a house at all. Currently crammed into a tiny place. Friend recently said that she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t at least buy a flat. Their deposit was over £800k.
I am really envious of my friends luck- life feels hard & full on for me and I am struggling not to go into full self pity mode. I do like my friend but feel the distance between us growing over this and I feel bad but her life is so far removed from mine that I find it easier to be around people more like me!
I don’t want to become really bitter and envious as I am trying really hard to make my life good- we have nice holidays & a mostly happy family life. But being around my friend makes me feel a failure and ridiculous for being in a shabby little rental whiile they essentially live in a mansion with grounds.
Aibu to put distance in the friendship? Am I being a crap jealous friend? It’s all making me feel so awful

*never had to buy a car

*15 hours a week- SORRY, stupid phone!!!!

Life is too short to have people in your life that make you miserable.

Okay so that misery comes from your own jealousy but who gives a shit?

I'd definitely put distance and nurture a friendship with someone who makes you happy

It's not just feeling envious. It's your friend's apparent inability to grasp that you can't afford a mortgage and her touting the amounts of money she's spent on her house, car whatever. She probably has no idea of what financial struggles feel like. I'd find that difficult to listen to as well.

Some people have more support than others and some need more support than others.
Her reality is very different to yours, but I suspect your life would be more like the one you now have than hers even with similar circumstances. Would you want to be just starting your first serious relationship at 43 having never been financially independent and with no kids?
What you have you worked for yourself. That's not her fault and the fact that she really doesn't appreciate the challenges is proof of that. If she is making you unhappy then step away, but don't torture yourself; you have experienced joys and challenges which she can never know.

I think that’s it a bit too- she’s never had to struggle as her parents have always supported her and how her husband does so I feel like she has no idea about real life. I feel increasingly like my life is going wrong because of my inability to afford a house too

She has no empathy if she can't even imagine what it's like for people who have to struggle, even if she hasn't experienced it herself. There are plenty of people who can have good friendships with people in very different circumstances if they are respectful of each other. Sounds like she isn't. Just let the friendship fade and dont worry let it worry you.

She has another friend who married a rich man too and I think that makes the ‘why can’t you afford a house’ thing worse as the people around her are similarly loaded through marrying money

The fact that she has and has had more financial support in her life wouldn’t bother me. Two of my best friends come from incredibly privileged backgrounds, which I have to admit, I envy. Who wouldn’t want that sort of financial security? I’d be a liar if I said I wouldn’t want that. But, it doesn’t make me dislike them at all and that’s because they don’t say stupid stuff like “but why can’t you just buy x, y or z”?

So, yanbu and I don’t think it’s purely which makes you dislike her.

I think it is normal to feel a bit "if only" when others have so much and seem to get it so much more easily. I think becoming bitter only hurts you at the end of the day.

As for how easy she has found things- in the grand scheme of does it matter whether she "earned it" or not? I would try and view it like this: would her having less make you have any more or be any happier? I doubt it, so dwelling on what she has is not going to help you. You have a family and say you are happy; that's not to be sniffed at.

That said, your friend should be more aware of the struggle others face when trying to buy a house- i.e. aware that she is fortunate. It's wasn't particularly nice of her to say she couldn't understand why you couldn't buy a house. Shows a lack of awareness.

If you don't want to be her friend, then don't be.

Have to agree I don't think this is purely envy. She's incredibly insensitive.

I have 2 ex colleagues who married multi MULTI millionaires. They used to have a checklist and go on the hunt all the time for eligible bachelors.

One has lost touch with reality and the arguably richer one still understands that the majority of her old friends don't have the disposable income she has.

There's always people who will have something we want. But I've learned to accept my life and focus on making it the best I can. If she's making you this unhappy though, I'd gradually reduce the time you spend with her. And be around people that make you happy.
I have four kids and live in a small flat, my partner works but I don't. My oldest friend is a nurse and still lives at home with mum and dad. She is 30 and has never paid a bill in her life and doesn't contribute anything to her parents. She goes abroad maybe three times a year and wears designer clothes as she has nothing else to spend her money on.
I feel drained every time I see her as it couldn't be more obvious she tries to make me jealous, going on about possibly buying a house in the future and how much she has in savings. I know she looks down on me and everything she says is a personal dig.
But I know deep down, she is envious of me. I have my own place, a family and a loving partner. All things she doesn't have. She's an overgrown child still living with mum and dad. So OP, it's possible this friend wants some of the things you have. She may have areas of her life she's not happy with, so try not to overthink things. Ultimately it's how she treats you as a friend.

I think it is possible to be friends with people who live a very different life to our own, however there has to be a solid foundation to it. For example shared interests or experiences that make the differences seem irrelevant.
It sounds as though your friend has lost touch with reality many people face and you're rightly feeling a bit pissed off with the lack of understanding. Maybe you are a little envious but I think everyone feels that when someone has something we want but don't have!
Do you feel able to have an honest conversation with her about how you feel? If so, do you think it would change things?
If not, friendships can run a natural course and maybe this is just coming to the end of yours.
Don't feel bad about things this isn't your envy causing the problem.

OP
You never know, she may be envious of you. She is 43 and has only recently met someone and has no children and perhaps she would have loved a family (that you have).

However if she is consistently not nice to you, move on.
Who needs friends like that.

One of my best friends has had a bit of a charmed life. She beautiful, her family are (relatively) wealthy and her mum helps her out loads. She keeps coming into money - £10k inheritance here, £20k bonus from the family business there - that sort of thing. But she knows exactly how lucky she is.
I'm a little jealous obv, I have a low paid job in tge charity sector and we struggle but my friend is never "surprised" i camt afford stuff. She doesnt make me feel bad about it. If she did i think I'd see her a lot less than i do!

How many people do you think get given 15k for a deposit for a house? Maybe think about how lucky you are to have that.

But would you want her life, OP, or are you actually more than happy with your partner and children?

I get it OP. It would be different if you knew she’d worked really hard for what she has, but when it all seems to have fallen into her lap it seems a bit unfair!

Is she a good friend to you?

Saying that she "couldn't understand" why you couldn't buy a flat suggests that she is rather thoughtless - is she thoughtless in other aspects of your friendship as well?

I'd guess that you are "friends" more out of habit than anything else.