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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we hadn't done anything wrong

25 replies

tvoninanemptyroom · 01/03/2018 09:03

My Husband of 18 years had a phone call from his ex-wife yesterday. She seemed very angry that he hadn't been in touch for a couple of years.
To make sure I pop all the information here -

  • they had been married for 18 months and I met DH after the divorce. DSS was then 4, now 24.
  • we had a lot of contact, obviously, while DSS was a child and relations were up and down over the years with none of us being saints but as he got older, things seemed to mellow a bit to the point of being ok
  • I have always had a distantly friendly relationship with her - now rows, harsh words etc ever.
  • DSS is independent- working, had how own place, living with his girlfriend (and has done so for around 3 years). No issue to discuss, all good. He is a great kid/man.
  • ex wife moved away to another town around 5 years ago, DSS lived with us until he got his own place
  • it wasn't a sudden "drop off", communication just reduced over time as DSS got older and became a man, I suppose. Not purposeful - we have our lives and she has hers.

So I am not sure about the venom and the "remember ME, I am insert DS name here mother".

AIBU in thinking we haven't been twats?

OP posts:
TheQueenOfWands · 01/03/2018 09:05

Christ, just ignore her.

Original poster
tvoninanemptyroom · 01/03/2018 09:05

had how own place

has his own....

meant to add also - both of us have more kids - she remarried and has 3 and I have 2 more (not sure of relevant)

OP posts:
Original poster
tvoninanemptyroom · 01/03/2018 09:07

TheQueen Thanks, I think we will. We were a bit shellshocked. Not sure where it came from.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/03/2018 09:08

Utterly barking mad... I have my ex on FB we will occasionally like or share each other posts. Unless something major happens in his life then I won't be getting in touch!!!

Guess if our shared DD ever gets married/has DC our paths may cross???

MrsElvis · 01/03/2018 09:10

Er no you haven't done anything wrong. God knows what she's been thinking for the last few years to have got to the point where she's boiling over....

placebobebo · 01/03/2018 09:14

Yanbu, you are supposed to keep in contact with the child and the other parent to effectively coparent. Once that child is an adult and has a life separate to their parents, you each have independent relationships with them. You may get together amicably for special occasions, but that's it.
Some ex's remain friends after, some fall out of touch as communication with the now adult child takes over and the role of having to be the go between for the other lessens. Neither way is right or wrong and she shouldn't expect to still be included in your lives.

Nikephorus · 01/03/2018 09:14

Had she been in touch with either of you during that time? If she had & you'd ignored then maybe YWBU (but not really). But if she hasn't then you could turn round and have a fit at her for not being in contact. It's a 2-way thing.

Babdoc · 01/03/2018 09:14

I doubt if it’s anything to do with you or her ex. It’s prob all about her- she’s maybe going through a bad patch and is looking for someone to offload it onto, with a guilt trip or some aggression and self pity.
Ignoring it is prob the safest course of action. After all, she presumably didn’t contact you either, for the same length of time!

Original poster
tvoninanemptyroom · 01/03/2018 09:16

Had she been in touch with either of you during that time? No.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 01/03/2018 09:16

You did nothing wrong! It's normal for that kind of contact to drop off between exes after the kids are grown. She's a bit barmy.

FrancisCrawford · 01/03/2018 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissionItsPossible · 01/03/2018 09:30

Was she drunk?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/03/2018 09:30

Does her phone only receive incoming calls, then?

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 01/03/2018 09:31

Last night was it? I'd assume she was drunk and having a "and there's another thing" pointy finger catsbumface rant triggered by something random on the telly.

user1493413286 · 01/03/2018 09:33

I’m hopeful that once DSD leaves home we’ll only have to have contact with her Mum on big events like graduation and weddings etc so I have no idea why you’d need to keep in contact if there’s nothing about your DSS to discuss.
It’s enough to spend DSDs entire childhood seeing DPs ex every other weekend

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 01/03/2018 09:33

Or, more charitably, something has happened that she's expected DSS to have told you, and you've not contacted her about it (because you didn't know) and it would have been reasonable for her to have had some contact from you about it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/03/2018 09:41

It sounds like either the wine talking or that she’s been really upset by something.

Be the ‘bigger person’ here and one of you reply - nicely.

It’s not like she’s made a habit of being a pain in the arse and she is DSS’s Mum, so try to keep the peace.

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2018 09:42

Have you told your DS?

It may be a cack-handed way of needing someone to talk to because something happened.

I don't know why you haven't firstly contacted your DSS/let DH handle this, rather than come on here. Its disrespectful to your DSS.

Loonoon · 01/03/2018 09:51

I don't think asking an anonymous forum for opinions is remotely disrespectful. It is a good way of getting some objective perspectives whilst deciding how best to respond.

What Annie says seems a sensible way to proceed. DH send her a message saying she seemed very upset and hoping everything is ok. Then leave it. IDK if I would tell your DSS, you wouldn't want to put him in a position where he felt he had to take sides. Keep it between your DH and her.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 01/03/2018 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
tvoninanemptyroom · 01/03/2018 11:05

No this is genuine. I didn't think that something might have happened her end. I will ask my husband to mention to DSS

OP posts:
Original poster
tvoninanemptyroom · 01/03/2018 11:08

Oh and DH did "handle" it, I am just reflecting on whether we had done something wrong. I would want to have hurt someone.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 01/03/2018 11:54

Well we don't know what it looks like from her perspective. She has had some sort of thought process that brings her to this feeling. She may be completely unreasonable, or there may be something you either don't know about or didn't realise was important to her.

In situations like this it's just impossible to say without hearing from everyone.

PoorYorick · 01/03/2018 11:55

I think the only way to find out is to ask her why she feels that way and listen - really, properly listen - to what she says.

You may still think she's being unfair, or you may not, but it's simply the only way to find out why she's upset.

HollyBayTree · 01/03/2018 12:03

No issue to discuss, all good. He is a great kid/man.

Do you think there may be something DSS hasnt told you - getting married? having a baby?

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