Hi there, I’m after some advice. My story is very long and complicated so I’m going to try and keep it as simple as possible by highlighting the main points.
I’ve been with my husband for 16 years married for nearly 10, we have 4 great kids aged 7-16, he is the most amazing person, brilliant father and husband you could wish for. He will do anything for anyone, however, nearly 4 years ago I noticed a few subtle changes. One night I caught him on his phone in the middle of the night hiding it, I thought he must be having an affair ‘obviously’ But It came out he was talking to a dealer who was dropping two bags of cocaine off round my back garden. I actually was sick with rage. I literally couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He was pretty much tea total a complete fitness freak and here he was taking cocaine whilst me and my kids were in bed. I threw him out and he went to stay with his family who live away. I only told a few close family members not my parents as I didn’t want it to make them ill with worry. He confessed to taking it once at a Christmas work party and liked it, because he doesn’t go out drinking he told me he bought it once a month when he got paid and took it on a Thursday night when we were all in bed. Knowing it would be out of his system by the Monday for work. I took him to counselling where the women didn’t think once a month was that much of an issue and told me that life was hard. I thought “yes but most people I know don’t turn to hard drugs”
Anyway he was diagnosed with clinical depression, he was so sickened by what he’d done to us that him made him feel worse! I stuck by him and supported him. Then he got a bad back the drs drugged him full of opiates, it become obviously quickly that he’d gone from cocaine to being addicted to prescription drugs. This caused massive conflict as I was always suspicious of what he’d taken whether it be too much tramadol or coke again. In between I found messages in his friend of him asking if he could get hold of any coke, I went to buy a cat and found a empty bag of coke in the cat carrier. He was adamant it was from ages ago but I knew he was lying. I’d shout at him, he’d get defensive and we’ve had periods where we don’t talk to each other for a week at a time as I’m paranoid of what he’s doing.
After a massive row nye he said he hadn’t felt well for so long, he hated his job, he never felt anything positive and didn’t feel love towards me or the kids, or anyone. About a year ago he started being mentally abusive towards me about people I’d slept with before I met him, hounding me about it even though I’d told him everything before I met him, I’ve been with 12 men not a huge amount, but suddenly it was a massive problem. He left me feeling dirty and ashamed. I knew he was in a bad place so he had a month off work to get himself sorted, the dr prescribed him strong antidepressants and this time he vowed to stick with them. He refused any alcohol even though he’s not a big drinker, and agreed to try and not abuse any prescription drugs, so I finally thought this was it. I had a few weeks where I had my old husband back. I was ill for the whole of January and he cared for me so well, he bombarded me with messages telling me how much he loved me and he was happy in his new role at work. I genuinely thought we’d tirned a corner.
Fast forward to last Friday, we discovered I was pregnant (unplanned) I was freaking out because we were only just getting sorted. He told me everything would be fine and that the baby was made from love and it might be the kick he needed to stick with recovery. Then an hour later he went out to buy me and the kids some dinner and he’d only been gone 30 minutes. He came back off his face! When I questioned him he lied so I told him it was it, that I was gonna get rid of the baby as I could t see my life ever getting better when he does crap like this.
He slept on the sofa, I came down to him still asleep, he’d drank nearly a whole bottle of wine and 4 bottles of beer. I then checked his fb and he’d blocked me and set his profile to single. I was so mad at his behaviour that I threw a mug at him which hit him on the head. I told him to leave.
He went to stay at a friends, I found a empty pen with snot on and two rolled up bits of bloody tissue in my back garden, underneath my bathroom window in the back garden. He was obviously taking it all night and when I walked in threw the evidence out of the window. I told my mum and dad everything about the drugs and literally most people I know, as I’m fed up of always being made out to be the monster for me always kicking him out. Because my husband ( off drugs) is such a lovely bloke, people have trouble believing what I’m telling them. But I feel ike I need all the support I can get.
I messaged him to find out what the hell hes doing? And he has literally changed to someone I don’t know, he is defensive, almost avoiding the coke questions, he refuses to tell me where he gets it from or how often he uses. He says it’s bad anyway so what’s the point in talking about it. He also was more upset that I threw a mug at him as apparently that was unacceptable. He’s looking for a house share and had made contact with the drug counsellor again, (as we have a mortgage which is in his name) I found out he’s legal to pay for it with me and the kids to stay in til our youngest child is 18. It’s all a huge mess at the minute, the problem is I love him so much! Despite everything I know this is not the real him. The thought of him doing anything to upset me when he’s well would make him cry. At the minute I text him to tell him that my world has fallen apart again and I don’t think I can ever trust him again and all he texts me back is “well that was your choice to keep having me back, you didn’t have to. I can’t be arsed with you keep hounding me about it” he finally admitted to taking cocaine and buying it when he went to get dinner, the dealer must live close. The reason he gave was like a celebration about the baby, which Id find laughable if I wasn’t so upset. I just can’t understand. He said an urge will just come over him and he can’t do anything to stop it. Not anything! Not me threatening to leave not him dying nothing!
I don’t know what to do about the baby, I feel that I’ll keep it regardless as it’s not the baby’s fault either, I really hope he can get the help but I can’t have him back living in our house until I know he’s 100% clean when that will be I don’t know. I’m scared in case he can’t be bothered and living on his own might make him worse, I’m also worried that he might go with someone else as that for me would be the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, or sleep. If this baby survives it will be a miracle.
Sorry it’s so long winded. But any advice would be amazing