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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Evening wedding invite

52 replies

user94 · 01/03/2018 02:54

I'm going to have to keep the details of this basic as could be outing.

I received an invitation for the evening reception of a family members wedding - I basically received it with a months notice of the actual date. Wedding has been planned for absolutely ages - no invite to wedding or evening, nothing and no mention of it. Was a bit upset as had it been my wedding I would have definitely invited them, but thought their wedding, their choice, whatever, places will be limited etc. Have never mentioned it to anyone (not even DP) as I wasn't majorly annoyed, just a bit Hmm - other 'outer' family members haven't been invited either, to the day or evening, IYSWIM so I wasn't particularly taking is personally.

Bit confused as I received the invite completely out of the blue over social media telling me that places were full during the day, but invited to the evening, and in fairness did apologise for lack of notice - but no explanation as to why only ask me a month before. The times it's on for isn't long but is late, and a bit in the middle of nowhere. I don't drive so this means public transport is a no go at that time of night for getting back, there won't be service (think hours of travel). So, I would have to stay overnight.

Train alone would be £80 in total for me and my DP. Once I get off the train, there is still quite a journey to go to get to the venue so either buses or taxi. Accommodation is looking somewhere around £150 for the night, maybe a bit less if we really shopped about. It's a lot of money to us, doable (just) but not something we'd usually spend that amount of money on, for showing face for a few hours essentially, and would leave us with not much money left to enjoy for ourselves. Had it been for the day too, we probably would have been more willing to try to see if we could do it, albeit the short notice. We will also need to book time off work for this, and sort out someone to look after pets so we can stay overnight. On the other hand, it's not every day family get married so I would have liked to have been there.

A part of me was happy I was asked to go. However another part of me wonders if this is because people have dropped out of the evening do or something and numbers are lower than expected? I can't see the reason for such late notice.

AIBU and negative thinking it's taking the mick and wondering if people have dropped out hence my sudden invite?

OP posts:
Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 01/03/2018 06:52

You were probably always going to get an evening invitation but would have had a full day one if people had declined those...

If it's going to be expensive and inconvenient just don't go - not because you're flouncing about how or when the invitation arrived but because an evening out is not worth hundreds of pounds...

eggsandwich · 01/03/2018 06:53

I would say that the fact you got the invite over social media and not a formal invite that people are declining and that maybe if people had accepted you probably wouldn’t of got an evening invite either sorry!

For this alone I’d decline.

BBQueen · 01/03/2018 06:54

Perhaps the late notice is because they were waiting for RSVPs to come back for the day to see if there would be space to invite you to the whole shebang?

Cardilover · 01/03/2018 07:03

Whether there was a B list or not, they are inviting you now because they want you to be there. There were people I would’ve dearly loved to be at our wedding who we couldn’t invite because of numbers. If spaces became available I’d have wanted to invite them.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/03/2018 07:04

I don't subscribe to the school of "professionally offended" that many mumsnetters do if I am invited as an evening guest. So, in your shoes I wouldn't feel offended at all. However, it does sound like an expensive evening and would decline on those grounds only.

greendale17 · 01/03/2018 07:07

It is glaringly obvious why you were asked last minute over social media.

You are an afterthought as others must not have been able to go.

yougetwhatyougive · 01/03/2018 07:09

4-6 weeks before is normal Confused

Witchend · 01/03/2018 07:13

It's not necessary space becoming available. You and other non-invited relatives have clearly been talking about not being invited, and that may well have got back to b&g.

Awrite · 01/03/2018 07:16

I wouldn't consider an evening invite that I had to travel to and shell out for a hotel. Easy decision.

dustarr73 · 01/03/2018 07:28

I dont take offense to the evening only part.Its the asking over social media and no way woould i cough up £300 and that distance for an evening only invite.

Dont go and dont tie yourself in knots.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/03/2018 07:30

It's not short notice at all, a month is totally normal and totally fine, the thing here is that you say others got evening invites prior to now, is that right? And it was done over FB, so definitely missed off of their first list. I wouldn't be offended, I've gotten an evening invite a few nights before, the evening is just a "pop in for a drink" casual sort of thing anyway, no big deal and definitely not worth £300

Chugalug · 01/03/2018 07:32

I wouldn't in your shoes..too late notice and too expensive

Notasunnybunny · 01/03/2018 07:59

Evening invites are not for guests who will need significant travel and expense to attend, popping in for a drink does not involve an £80 train ticket. You are deffinately an after thought. Say you would have loved to join them but sadly will be unable to attend.

HedwigHen · 01/03/2018 08:03

I think the only important thing is whether you want to go, especially given the expense and effort involved.

I've been invited to an evening reception before with one days notice (email I think) - pretty obvious that it was a 'drop out' invite but it was a colleagues so no offence taken at all. I would've gone if I wanted to...but I didn't so...

I would only go if I was 90% sure it would be a great evening with plenty of people I knew are got on well with were going.

Somerville · 01/03/2018 08:18

Bit confused as I received the invite completely out of the blue over social media telling me that places were full during the day, but invited to the evening, and in fairness did apologise for lack of notice - but no explanation as to why only ask me a month before.

There's another way of possibly interpreting that. Which is that they were holding off waiting to hear who couldn't make the daytime reception, in the hopes they could invite you to the whole thing. However most people replied they could come, so then they could only invite you for the evening.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 01/03/2018 08:33

I'd not go, to me it says not only were you only good enough for the evening to make up numbers and gifts but given the short notice it's obvious that some one else had a change of mind so they want to replace them.

I hate evening only invites though and usually rsvp no.

hibbledibble · 01/03/2018 08:38

The notice is of no real consequence. Traditional notice is around 6 weeks before a wedding, so this isn't much different. I appreciate nowadays people tend to give more notice.

You don't seem to want to go as you don't want all the expense for an evening invite, that is fine. Send a message thanking them for the invite but declining.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/03/2018 08:45

I simply don't understand why people are offended at evening only invitations. Are you always this easily offended? Do people have to tread on eggshells around you all the time for fear of offending you?

Although I agree that an evening invitation to a venue that is too far away to travel to and from in the same evening is asking a bit much.

We went to an evening wedding do just after Christmas and really enjoyed it. The B & G laid on a luxury coach from our local pub so that no-one had to drive. They asked for no wedding gifts, but said if we felt we had to give something could it be a charity donation. It was a pay bar, but we didn't expect free drinks anyway, and the food was lovely. We were delighted to be included in their wedding celebrations, not offended that we weren't invited for the day Hmm

thecatsthecats · 01/03/2018 08:47

Base your decision on your costs, not the second guesses of randoms on the internet (which often come with a lot of hoity toity preoccupation with their own sense of importance and decorum when it comes to manners and weddings anyway).

I have attended many weddings full day and evening only and not taken umbrage at either.

For what it's worth, the only invitation we declined was a Monday evening do three hours away, necessitating a minimum of two half days to attend a 4 hour party.

Bluelady · 01/03/2018 08:52

I wouldn't be going but I always decline evening invitations. I want the ceremony that's the object of the exercise, not the butt end when everyone's pissed.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/03/2018 08:55

"Base your decision on your costs, not the second guesses of randoms on the internet (which often come with a lot of hoity toity preoccupation with their own sense of importance and decorum when it comes to manners and weddings anyway)."

Well said thecatsthecats

NoCanoe · 01/03/2018 14:45

You clearly want to go, but it does seem expensive and a lot of faff -- pets, time off work - just for a few hours of party.
Only you can decide if it's worth it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/03/2018 14:55

I’d go if it was me.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2018 14:55

I woulden't go due to cost, I think you have answered your own question.

thatgirl7 · 09/03/2018 12:32

As someone who is in the middle of planning a wedding taking place in just over a months time - the guestlist is the hardest part!! We decided to invite all of our cousins only to the evening as well as most of our friends -immediate family and best buds only for the day time!! To be honest with you and sorry if this sounds super blunt - BUT they literally do not care if you come or not - they would like you to of course, but it it doesn't matter if you go or not! They have loads more to be dealing with then worrying, or being upset with your declined invite! Anyone who's declined our invite for the evening just opens up more space for my backup list of friends!! It's up to you to go or not - if you don't want to pay the money etc then just say no !