To ask if you would go on this date

[NotSoSprightly]

I have guy friend of about four years who I met through work. He's one of my closest friends, and as of late, a FWB. We're good at disassociating the sex from the friendship and I personally see it as two separate things.

We both said to each other we don't want anything serious right now, and I said to him it's far more important to me that we stay friends above all else, and I don't want us having sex to get in the way of that, and he agreed. Friend has said a few times he doesn't think we can be just friends with benefits without it leading somewhere, whether it be him or me who gets feelings.

We have a mutual friend, H. My friend and H speak most days, but not about personal things.

H and I have been speaking a lot over the past few months - flirty banter, getting a coffee etc. We get on really well/I'm attracted to him, and today he surprised me and asked me on a date.

The dilemma is that my friend doesn't want me to go as he says it will be awkward for him as him and H are friends. He's essentially vetoed me from anything happening with H and has said if it does he'd be really annoyed with me.

I've been umming and ahhing all night about what to do. I love my friend to bits and don't want to hurt him, but I also want to give this date a chance.

I'm fully prepared to call off the date if IABU, so WWYD?

Call off the date. Reverse the situation, your mate and your FWB going out. Any outcome probably won’t work: H finding out and being put off, H & FWB unable to be friends, you losing your FWB as a friend...

Sounds too complicated to me. Maybe take a step back from the whole thing?
I don't really get the FWB thing either and maybe there's only so long you can delude yourself with that before one of you gets too involved. Then it will be awkward, whether this other guy is involved or not.

I think your "FWB" is being very clear that he wants a lot more than what you are giving. But he has no right to tell you who you can go out with.

You need to decide what you are looking for here, because you aren;t on the same page at all.

You're right... damn!

I'm going to call it off.

If your friend isn't prepared for more than a casual sex relationship with you then it's really none of his business if you go on a date with someone else. That being said if you do go on a date with someone else they either need to know you're having sex with other people or you should stop having sex with your friend until you see where this dating situation is headed.

I don't see your friend's objections to automatically mean he views your relationship as more or wants to date you, it could be as simple as him being selfish and not wanting it to stop or not wanting to 'share' so to speak while not wanting to offer you a romantic relationship with him either.

I think FWBs wants more but if you don’t that’s your choice. He can’t dictate who you date. I think it would be unfair if you to continue to give him false hope that it will develop into something by continuing to sleep with him though.

Leigh You've hit the nail on the head I think.

My friend has said from the moment we became more than just platonic friends that he doesn't want a relationship, that things would be easier for him if I was in a relationship with someone else, and that he doesn't want a girlfriend. But he's also said he doesn't want me to sleep with anyone else (he admitted he was a bit of an ass for that) and that if I were to get into a relationship with someone we both knew, it would irk him for a while.

Pork Absolutely. I wouldn't continue with the FWB thing if I met someone else and pursued it.

Ever hears of the saying 'Don't shit where you eat?'

You've got this totally arse about face. You don't not date because you have a fwb. You only need the fwb because you're not with someone. Your fwb has said he doesn't want a relationship, he wants to shag you, and anyone else he fancies and he'd like you to remain single and not shag anyone else, nice. While you're single and fancy it, fine, but you don't put your romantic life on hold for that horseshit! Go on the date, and see if it works out - yes fwb will have the hump for a bit because he knows he won't be getting a no-effort, no-commitment shag while you're dating (which is why he doesn't want you to do it), but that's just tough. If you're date works out, great. If not, ditch him and go back to shagging fwb until you find someone you like.

A fwb is a stop-gap, a bit of filler. You don't base any life decisions on it! You'd be being a complete idiot if you did tbh.

Some I love your post, thank you.

If it's so awkward for your FWB, you and he can stop being FWB.

It's clear that the two of you are not going to have a relationship.

If you want to have a relationship, you have to be free to date whoever you want.

Go on the date! FWB doesn't get to decide.

I wouldn't let your friend dictate who you can date. I agree with Some post - I would add your friend has spent some part of those 4 years working on having sex with you. He might want more as some other posters have suggested, but from what you've said that is not likely.

I would also add that in most likelyhood ttere will be extreme tension in your friendship circle and people could fall out over this. At best things may never be the same between any of you (you might end up in a relationship but the men will fall out) at worst all of you never speak again.

Dates are always gambles, especially dating friends. These considerations shouldn't put you off any decision but you should give them a think.
What if the men don't fall out but then try and shame you for having (separate and absolutely fine) relationships of any sexual sort with both of them at different times.
Men can turn really nasty when things don't go their way.

I'd drop the FWB. There's no such thing as a friend with benefits. You're more than friends if you're shagging each other, just without any of the commitment side of a relationship. Sooner or later you're going to outgrow this and maybe want a true relationship and this will only hold you back and complicate things.

Some, well said.
Fwb is really trying it on. Wtf I don't want a relationship with you but do as I say or else?
FWB has told H so now H is thinking wonder if I will get a shag without romance too. ( Only you know if this could be likely )
Personally I wouldn't trust either now.

SomeKnob has it.

Unfortunately I think sleeping with a close friend messes up the entire friendship. If you don't want to pursue a relationship with fwb then stop shagging him. I think you've both fucked up the platonic friendship now.

Go on the date. You'll probably have to tell your date that you've had a fling with his friend though..

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't buy into this fwb thing. Inevitably one party develops feelings and the other party ends up feeling used. Why not just get a good old fashioned vibrator.

Please don’t pass up the possibility of a happy relationship to save the feelings of someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you! Provided of course that you ultimately want to have a proper relationship. FWB is giving you nothing and imposing rules on you... not how it works!