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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely useless ?

23 replies

DadTryingHisBest28 · 28/02/2018 21:22

Hey, me and dp have just had our first baby two weeks ago, can honestly say I never thought I would experience this type of love ! But my partner is BF DC and I feel so useless at the moment as she she's so tired and has to wake up for feeds aswell during the night ? I've asked her to wake me that way I can change DC or settle them but she says she doesn't want to wake me and doesn't see the point of both of us being tired ? I know she's being thoughtful but I just feel useless at the moment? Is this normal for new dads or have any of your partners experience this ?

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 28/02/2018 21:24

There’s loads of other things you can do to help!

Laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, writing thank you cards, bathing the baby, changing nappies during the day etc etc.

My DH used to make my lunch and leave it in the fridge for me before work as I found it hard to get time to eat.

helly29 · 28/02/2018 21:29

Congratulations! You're in the really tough bit - it's great that you're offering help overnight, but I remember feeling the same way when mine was that small - it isn't always help if both of you are tired.

Practical stuff in the day like holding baby whilst she sleeps/showers/eats etc and washing/cooking is all valuable - you're not useless, you've just got a different job in the team.

When baby's a little bigger it'll be less intense, and if it is right for your family, you have the option of expressed milk for the odd feed. My dh used to do the bedtime feed around 10/11 and I'd go to bed around 9pm - it would give me until about 1am, and at that point 4 unbroken hours was like heaven!

Good luck, sounds like you're both doing a great job!

Original poster

DadTryingHisBest28 · 28/02/2018 21:30

I do all those things but it doesn't feel like I'm helping out really as we always split household chores before the baby anyway, I think I'm just being a bit silly anyway and hopefully when DC is a bit older and can interact more I'll feel more bonded and feel like I'm helping more ?

OP posts:

APontypandyPioneer · 28/02/2018 21:30

You can come and help with my DC if you want to feel useful!

Joking aside, don't feel useless you are offering and helping which is more than some men manage. There is plenty you can do, for example make her a drink whilst she BFs and make sure she feels comfortable. But she's right there is no point in you both being tired, that isn't because you're not useful but more because if you're rested you can be more useful the next day when she's exhausted!

Maybe there are some others that can offer more perspective but that's my thoughts fwiw.

LoopyLou1981 · 28/02/2018 21:36

My dh struggled a bit with this as well. Our ds was bottle fed so it really hit him hard when breastfeeding worked the second time with our dad around and I think he felt a bit pushed out.
The first few weeks the baby will cluster feed so there really isn’t a lot you can do to help with the feeding/settling side of things. BUT offers to help with cleaning, making her food, giving her 10 minutes for a shower will be welcomed with open arms.
Give it a few more weeks and the feeding will get into more of a schedule so you’ll have a rough idea of when the next feed might be then you can help more with looking after the baby for an hour or so in between feeds (and trust me she’ll be passing you the baby and running a bath before you’ve got time to change your mind!)
I hope you have a lovely time being a new family cx

LoopyLou1981 · 28/02/2018 21:37

*second time around with our dd
(unfortunate typo!)

IlikemyTeahot · 28/02/2018 22:00

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/02/2018 22:09

As well as what others said, remember not to make decisions for her - eg I was having a really dreadful day and desperately needed DH home ... but he'd decided to work late that night so he could get home earlier the rest of the week. If only he'd asked!

April229 · 28/02/2018 22:22

Sounds like you are being amazing - don’t underestimate how helpful what you are doing in the daytime is. I would have been lost and exhausted without this type of help from my dp.

Yes, it will soon be more even, the baby will not need bfing so regularly so you can be more active with the baby for more time between feeding. And weaning in six months - that’s where you can take the lead! You have such an important role to play in all this over the next 18 years and beyond, it’s just that this first couple of months feels a bit like you have a back stage role because the baby’s main focus is eating. Doesn’t stop you doing lots of cuddles and skin to skin contact in the in between time to get the bonding going.

Pinkprincess1978 · 28/02/2018 22:23

Congratulations and you sound a fantastic supportive partner. I have to agree, getting up with here doesn't help. Making sure she has everything she might need before bed (nappy's, nipple cream etc) getting her things to keep her entertained while feeding new book/magazine for example are great helps.

I wish my husband had done more during the day so that when baby/s slept during the day I didn't feel like I had to do housework at that time.

Lilonetwo · 28/02/2018 22:26

Just a suggestion. My DH used to take baby from 9-11pm. I would go up to bed early to catch up on sleep. He would then bring baby up to bed when he came up, hand me baby for a breastfeed lying down in bed then I put baby in Moses basket.
It gave him some time to be responsible.

Eventually he started giving baby a bottle of expressed milk at 11pm which meant I could sleep 9-2 when baby would wake up again for a breastfeed.

chinnyrekkon · 28/02/2018 22:42

I don't know why, but I never felt the urge to let my husband rest I wanted him awake, keeping me sane company!

My husband was like a baby delivery service! Fetch, place next to me, I'd feed, he'd take baby back while I replaced breast pads and admired my bleeding cracked nips.

Thistlebelle · 28/02/2018 22:50

I breastfed my children and rarely woke my DH in the night and he is a wonderful hands on father.

PenelopeChipShop · 28/02/2018 22:55

It’s very natural to feel this way but honestly, you aren’t useless. Establishing breastfeeding is hard work - our midwife said to my DH, you look after your wife so she can look after the baby. Really nurture her. Bring her drinks and food, do the chores (MORE than your share for the time bring so she doesn’t have to worry!) wash the baby grows. Just let her focus on feeding. It won’t be this way for long.

LadyLaSnack · 28/02/2018 23:00

It sounds a little like you’re worried that you’re missing out on bonding time with the baby. Please don’t! Google the 4th trimester. Your baby doesn’t quite know he/she isn’t a part of your wife’s body anymore. Basically wee ones of that age just need to be on their mum all the time (when possible) and coupled with breastfeeding nature is dictating that your wife’s body belongs to the baby for now. It’s all completely natural and normal. You are not missing out on bonding time, nature is just making sure your wife and child are in tune.

In the coming months there is going to be loads of time to bond. In these early days there is more important work you can do. Keep an eye on your wife and her mood. Is she ok? Is she eating and drinking enough. Is she alright in herself? Keep on top of all the housework. She will feel like she’s pinned under the baby 24 hours a day, so tasks which seem easy to you (taking a dirty cup to the kitchen, emptying the nappy bin) are actually a bit of a mountain to climb - try to do things without comment. Try to get home on times offer to get up with the baby straight after a morning feed to give her an hour or so’s kip. Make sure there are enough supplies of nappies, wipes etc. before you go out, plus easy snacks, tea and milk etc.

It sounds like you’re doing great.

LadyLaSnack · 28/02/2018 23:05

Me and my husband had a deal in the early days. Since I was doing all the feeding, where possible he did all the nappies and the bathing. It worked for us. They are all essential tasks in caring for a baby, and all lead to close bonding.

TinWhistleTunes · 28/02/2018 23:05

Don't underestimate the power of hugs and love. If she knows that you are really there

TinWhistleTunes · 28/02/2018 23:06

... for her, practically and emotionally, then this will give her strength.

Original poster

DadTryingHisBest28 · 01/03/2018 09:51

Thanks for all your replies and you guys are right, it's just o love my DP and DC so much and feel like I'm a gofer for now, but your right if that's what's required from me for the first couple of months that's what I have to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

DadTryingHisBest28 · 01/03/2018 09:52

I'm quite fortunate I have theee weeks paternity and saved up 3 1/2 weeks Annual leave so I'm around all the time.

OP posts:

LadyLaSnack · 01/03/2018 15:43

You ARE the gofer for now!

And being gofer is such an important part of this. You carry your wife so that she can carry your child.

And it sounds like you’re doing a great job. Stick with it. These first few crazy months will be over before you know it and pretty soon you’ll have a lovely bouncy baby to play with, laugh with, sing to and bond with.

katmarie · 01/03/2018 16:03

My little one is 5 weeks old, and I swear that every other sentence to my dp is 'honey can you fetch me...' or 'can you pass me...' or 'can you just do...'. He's definitely my gopher at the moment, and he's just gone back to work this week. Dear god I miss him! It's taking me 4 times as long to do anything, and a lot of things are just not getting done at all. He really does make a difference for me.

Everyone else has covered the important points, so I won't repeat it all, but I will add this, your dp has a huge burden to manage at the moment, breastfeeding is a massive responsibility, and is hugely emotionally and physically overwhelming at times. Add in recovery from giving birth, body changes and hormones, and the lack of sleep, and your dp is going to be all over the place emotionally. Aside from all the fetching and carrying, the one thing that makes a difference to me is the reassurance from my partner that I'm doing a good job, and that I'm a good mum. And that he loves me. So make sure you show your dp a lot of love, and let her know how awesome she is. She will be second guessing herself a lot, and it will mean a lot, I promise.

Enjoy your little one, it's an amazing exhausting time :)

Allthebubbles · 01/03/2018 16:16

My DH never woke in the night and I think there's just no point two of you losing sleep in the early days. maybe later on if if you want to resettle without feeding, that's when it's handy for the non feeder to get up.
In the early days I just loved being with DH and the baby and grinning at each other a lot and enjoying the moment and him getting me water every time I sat down to feed and forgot to bring a drink and got a raging thirst. Just be there, be loving and enjoy it.
One thing my DH was much better at than me was holding our baby calmly when it was the witching hr when he wasn't hungry, wouldn't sleep and just wanted to grizzle/ cry for a bit. I found it harder than he did and he was great.
Also, taking the baby out for a walk in the buggy and giving your partner an hr or so of peace in the house is always good.

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