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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel offended and saddened

28 replies

Snowflow · 28/02/2018 19:39

That the Royal Mail delivery man asked and couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a surname that matched my ethnicity?

This is central london in 2018 FFS 🙄

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 28/02/2018 20:05

Seriously?

Bythebeach · 28/02/2018 20:10

Can you elaborate?

SweetMoon · 28/02/2018 20:14

What did he say exactly? And in what way wasn't he understanding?

MrsHathaway · 28/02/2018 20:17

Something along the lines of "You don't look like a Smith/Patel/Aziz/Cheng" ?

Ugh.

LivininaBox · 28/02/2018 20:18

Well if he was looking for a Mrs Patel and it was you, and you are someone white and european, then i can understand he might be a bit surprised. what did he say that you found offensive?

DamnCommandments · 28/02/2018 20:20

Is the level of offense different if OP is a little Asian woman called Cholmondley-Smythe?

DamnCommandments · 28/02/2018 20:21

My MIL was a little Asian woman with a super English name and job. People were always surprised to see her. It got old, I think.

beluga425 · 28/02/2018 20:22

Well, you have to admit, Snowflow is an unusual name.

Seriously though, you're right it is really depressing. I hope you got a chance to put him right and make him think.

Original poster
Snowflow · 28/02/2018 20:49

Yes seriously.

2 packages for me, not signed for so no need to verify, he was at my front door so right address. He read out my name, asked if it was me, I said yes, and then he asked again! I asked him why and then he said it "well you just don't look like Mrs Snow Flow" (from London I guess he meant!)

I did put him right, in hindsight I was maybe a bit too nice, it's my married name but it shouldn't matter, I shouldn't need to explain and told him he needed to be careful as you don't know people's backgrounds, I could have been adopted etc never mind the racist bit.

I'm in my 40's, born and raised in the UK with an English first name, not that that matters.

He was just ignorant and narrow minded, but I won't lie it has upset me a bit and yes it is depressing, I thought I blended in 😢

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
DalekDalekDalek · 28/02/2018 20:52

What? That's just ignorance!

notanaturalmum · 28/02/2018 20:58

Is this the first time you've experienced this. How long have you been married.
I'm sorry to say that you'll probably continue to get this.
I have the same. I have a very white name and I'm black. I've grown up with the double takes and I just accept it now (even though I shouldn't)
I just nod and smile and hope that I can educate the world one person at a time.
Try not to let it get to you. Some people just don't think before they speak.

Original poster
Snowflow · 28/02/2018 21:03

Thanks notanaturalmum

Married 15 years and yes first time, I guess I’ve been lucky?

OP posts:
NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 28/02/2018 21:10

I think the offensive bit is having to ask twice.

I mean wouldnt you just go oh its their married name or their mothers married name.

The implication is that snowflow couldnt possiably be mrs snowflow because snowflow is a name of a certian ethinic decent and why would they marry inter racially inter ethnicly.

That is pretty offencive and small minded.

tinkywinky2018 · 28/02/2018 21:16

He was just ignorant and narrow minded, but I won't lie it has upset me a bit and yes it is depressing, I thought I blended in

Or in a less paranoid mindset, he;s just used to people trying to steal other peoples packages and was just checking?

Original poster
Snowflow · 28/02/2018 21:21

Nice thought tinky, he was going through a few packages to get to mine so more likely just checking the address.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 28/02/2018 21:31

He was just ignorant and narrow minded, but I won't lie it has upset me a bit and yes it is depressing, I thought I blended in 😢

You don't blend in ...

with arseholes.

Thank your lucky stars. Wine

SingingTunelessly · 28/02/2018 21:38

Most delivery people are just glad to off load the parcel and get a signature as they rush off to the next drop off.

SomewhereontheM6 · 28/02/2018 21:46

Seriously? If you didn't' have to sign why would he question it?
Most actually racist/twatty people would assume you were employed or something taking it in for your boss if the name was very white and you aren't. You were opening the door to him.

Sure there wasn't something else he was suss about?

Original poster
Snowflow · 28/02/2018 22:08

somewhere Yes I agree, nothing to sign so he didn’t need my name.

Nothing else I can remember, but he was genuinely bewildered. I guess he was expecting me to say it wasn’t me. Very small minded for sure.

naughrtothree, well said thanks.

OP posts:
bluesouper · 28/02/2018 23:25

Same for me, white woman with an African surname. It was a dhl driver that was the most insistent that I couldn't be me. Started to walk backwards out of the gate saying "sorry wrong house" 🙃

Original poster
Snowflow · 01/03/2018 07:09

Lol butchy!

OP posts:
Mybestusername · 01/03/2018 07:47

I get this quite a bit, the correct response is “Well, you don’t look like a rascist”

charlestonchaplin · 01/03/2018 08:28

What is an English job Damn?

Harebellmeadow · 01/03/2018 08:38

I had this once. I was at home with my little napping baby in my arms, in breastfeeding clothes, with my wedding ring and engagement ring on, and the postman asked for my ID. We lived in a nice area and I have a very white, middle/upper class surname, ans a universal forename, and he couldn’t believe I (tanned) was the home owner/resident rather than the nanny/wetnurse. if the nanny is at home trusted with the baby you can trust her with the package surely, you don’t have to be the homeowner to accept the package, but he just wouldn’t give me my Amazon book
I took it personally and I was outraged and upset for weeks afterwards. The postman himself was Egyptian/Turkish/ similar origin. And I complained by email and received an apology from the post office. The complaining helped.
I am tougher now. I wouldn’t complain again, he was doing his job and being super careful. And was probably afraid of making a mistake. He could have been nicer though.

I was super sensitive because at the time I was being mistaken for my baby’s nanny on a daily basis, mostly by regional old people,and it really upset me to have to explain to nosy strangers that I really was the mother. People ask the most impertinent questions sometimes!!!

charlestonchaplin · 01/03/2018 08:43

Lavinina, so white Europeans never marry South Asians? Or maybe white European women never marry South Asian men and take their names? It may not happen that often, but one doesn't need to be very intelligent to work out that it can and probably does happen. It may be an, 'Oh' moment, but it isn't so surprising an occurrence that any surprise should be expressed externally. I mean, perhaps in some rural areas but not in most places, and especially not central London.

However, if the person is a recent immigrant from a less diverse or cosmopolitan country I wouldn't be that surprised. Some immigrants are also more open and blunter than British people, especially on sensitive issues like race.