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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my husband is attracted my friend

52 replies

Leggylavender · 28/02/2018 13:17

Or maybe something has happened in the past and I am not aware of!

My husband is the kind of man who is attracted to overly sexy women - lots of skin showing, bad bitch attitude, easy to get (I still don't know why the hell we fancied me in the past).

My friend is sort of a libertine type (many boyfriends at the same time, very open about her busy and varied sexual life). Even though we are very different we are still good friends and get along well.

Recently I've found my husband messaging random women on snapchat (under a fake account), exchanging nudes etc. Please don't judge why he haven't separated from
Him but I decided to give him a second chance. In those snapchats I found out he searched for my friend profile (which he did not find).

Last night he subscribed to someone with her same name on YouTube channel (its probrably her but there's nothing on there). He has been looking for her on social media (she poses naked so I think he was expecting to get any sort of video from her).

I confronted him and he said there's nothing going on and I should not be checking his phone. Got aggressive and I went to bed. Please help me to address this issue and how to confront him! AIBU to be furious at his curiosity?? AIBU that they might have had an affair in the past, or even now? They used to be flatmates (she lived in his flat and that's how I met her) but when my husband and I moved in together he told her and the other lodger to move out.

Please I really need some reasonable advice. Many thanks! Xx

OP posts:

Corkscrewbetty · 28/02/2018 13:48

This must be so so upsetting for you. And it's hard to imagine a way out when you have a little one. But, I think you're going to have to have a very honest talk with yourself about how much you can trust him. You will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder and you'll keep looking. And that's no way to live your life. Using the "you shouldn't be checking my phone" line is a cop out. In an ideal world, you wouldn't be checking his phone... but if you did, you'd find nothing suspicious on it. It takes a lot of courage to leave someone. Especially when you want it to work out so much. But you have to find the self respect to put an end to this. You deserve so much more and so does your child. Have you got friends and family who can help you start the separation progress. You can get so much more out of life than this. Do you really think you and your child deserve betrayal like this? I hope you find the courage to get out and start a new life for yourself.

DreamingOfAHotBeach · 28/02/2018 13:52

You need to leave him OP.

He is actively searching for another woman who isn't you.

finnmcool · 28/02/2018 13:57

None of us are privy to your life and the reasons you can't leave him.
Just be aware that this behaviour will most likely continue and you could end up staying in an awful relationship, with a man who isn't good enough for you.
Your self esteem and self worth will be chipped away at, until you believe he is the best you can get.
for you op I hope things get better for you and I wish you the best.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/02/2018 14:00

I'd sack him off for making it your fault ('you shouldn't have looked at my phone'! FGS). Not only is he looking for other women, it's your fault for finding out.

What a tit.

Farmerswife36 · 28/02/2018 14:05

Sorry but you really need to leave this vile man . He doesn't care a bit about you . If he did he wouldn't be sending nudes and searching for other females . Deep down you know this and it's only you that can make the decision whether to stay or go . He is making a mug out of you and you deserve so much better ? Why are you with him ? If he was truly happy and satisfied with you he would not be sleazing around behind your back. He sounds disgusting

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 28/02/2018 14:06

No judging at all OP but you gave him a second chance and he’s blown it it seems. He will keep on behaving this way because he is a selfish cheating pervert. You know that now so get rid of him, because if you don’t be will destroy your self worth. Constantly comparing yourself to the women he’s swappijg nudes with, constantly paranoid about what he’s doing, wondering which of your friends or family is now he’s chosen wank fodder.....

Except your friend it seems is already his potential wank fodder. I wouldnt assume there has been an affair in the past but of course you know more about their behaviour together than we do. Equally she may have done nothing wrong. Just careful you don’t lose a friend because of your cunt of a husband because you are so desperate to find fault with her because it’s easier than dealing with the situation with him.

Farmerswife36 · 28/02/2018 14:06

You really deserve so much better and there are men out there who are lovely and would never treat their wife or partner this way. Please value yourself more and walk away with your head held high

JaneEyre70 · 28/02/2018 14:09

You can give him all the chances under the sun lovey but he won't ever change. Why would you think a man like this is worthy of you?

Kittypillar · 28/02/2018 14:11

As far as I can tell, it doesn't sound like she's done anything, but wow he's a real treat by the sounds of it.

Honestly OP, you deserve so much better than that. I know it's difficult when you have a child, of course. But he sounds like he hasn't learnt his lesson at all and you shouldn't stay and be made miserable by this sleaze if his behaviour is this atrocious and continues to be. LTB.

Bumshkawahwah · 28/02/2018 14:15

I’m sorry OP, this is a horrible situation to in.

The thing is, he’s making it quite clear that he’s not going to change. He’s done things to make you not trust him and he still complaining about you checking up on him. He’s not exactly being open and honest.

If you do decide to stay then I think you need to be with your eyes wide open, with a recognition that this is probably how he’s going to go on behaving. He’s giving new indication that things will be any different in the future. I think your options really are either to leave or to stay but with the knowledge that whatever you get out of your marriage it’s probably not going to include fidelity.

SilverySurfer · 28/02/2018 14:17

However hard it will be, not having this revolting person in your life must be worth it. I'm so sorry and hope you can find a way to achieve that.

IpreferFrieda · 28/02/2018 14:20

Oh op how horrible I think we all feel for you but he’s vile and the getting aggressive is hideous.

Don’t be sidetracked by your friend or seek to blame her. She’s living her life as she chooses and that’s not your business so don’t focus on her.

It’s your dh you need to really look at and he’s not a good person.

You and your dd deserve better

Sn0tnose · 28/02/2018 14:25

Your friend hasn't done anything wrong. If he's had to go searching for her then she clearly hasn't invited him to look at any personal pictures. I don't understand why it's relevant to mention her 'libertine' lifestyle. It's irrelevant whether she sleeps with someone every hour on the hour, or whether she's a nun. The only relevancy her behaviour has on the situation would be if you were planning on forgiving him and, instead, blaming her for encouraging him to cheat with her 'licentious behaviour'.

Your husband is a sleaze. He's looking to cheat on you. I would bet the farm that the first time you caught him was not the first time he's gone looking. If he can't find his type, he's just as likely to cheat on you with the first woman who falls for his old rubbish, irrespective of her attitude or what she looks like.

Having a child, owning a property together, working/not working; none of these things mean that it's impossible for you to leave. Thousands of people in exactly the same situations leave cheating partners every day of the week and survive. It might be hard and upsetting and financially tight, but is it worse than spending the rest of your life wondering who he's perving over every time you leave the room? Asking yourself which of your friends he's tried it on with at parties? Being the subject of pitying gossip because everyone knows but you?

I'm sorry to sound so unkind and so harsh but you deserve better than this.

Original poster

Leggylavender · 28/02/2018 14:25

I agree with everything was said here. I am paranoid, upset and cannot trust him anymore. I will need to sort out the practicalities and leave him for my own good. He is a loving father to our DC but staying will bring me a lot of suffering. Xx

OP posts:

rocketgirl22 · 28/02/2018 14:29

If you are going to stay with him and put up with this then that really is up to you, but you have to be expecting infidelity and heart ache. That is all that will be coming your way.

You have just one child, it should be easy to leave, so there is no excuse for this behaviour and no excuses why you would tolerate it.

By overlooking the snapchat account you have given him the green light to just carry on.

Leave him and find a decent human being to share your life with or be condemned to monthly STD testing until HE decides to dump you for a more liberal version.

Dig out your dignity and leave this lowlife.

cherryontopp · 28/02/2018 14:32

If its not your friend, it'll be someone else.

Then someone else after that.

He has no respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't do these things.

The more you 'work through' these little discretions, the more he'll do them.

You don't trust him, and every right not to. Your relationship is already over whether you stay with him or not.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/02/2018 14:32

So, you gave him a second chance and he's blown it. How many more does he get?

therealposieparker · 28/02/2018 14:33

Get your ducks on a row first. Get evidence (screen shot) so you have the upper hand in the divorce.

thethoughtfox · 28/02/2018 14:34

He got aggressive? Lavender, you know what to do.

IpreferFrieda · 28/02/2018 14:35

Yes get your ducks in a row especially finances. Get some legal advice. If he’s s good dad hang onto that as his good point but as a partner no just no

MmeGuillotine · 28/02/2018 14:37

Oh, OP, how awful. This revolting, sleazy man doesn't deserve any more chances. He had his shot and he blew it.

I agree with previous posters who said that it's doubtful that anything sexual has ever gone on with your friend, based on the fact that he's making such a godawful pig's ear of trying to track her down online now. If she wanted him to see what she was up to then she would have made it easy for him to find her, surely?

Married3Children · 28/02/2018 14:39

I don’t think he fancies your friend as such. He just wants his cake and eat it, looking at random women, get his kicks out of it (and probably wanting a shag too).

I get the ‘its Complicated and he have a 21 months old child together’ But he is treating you appallingly.
You gave him a chance and he blew it.
He shows no respect for you at all.

What would make him reconsider your ‘I’m going to try and make it work’ attitude? Him having an affair? Do you really want to wait for that for months/years, always doing and wondering and second guessing yourself until it will blow up in your face?

cakecakecheese · 28/02/2018 14:59

The issue here isn't whether he's attracted to your friend or not, it's that he's treating you appallingly. So say he does fancy your mate and you banish her or something, he'll just find another woman to perv over.

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2018 15:00

Op, honestly. You're not paranoid and for most women the moment our partner starts sending dick pics to other women it would be game over.

As a pp said, your friends lifestyle is irrelevant. Blaming her is akin to the thought process of well she was wearing a short skirt so she deserved it.

You and your husband need to own your problems. None of them are her fault. She is entitled to live her life as she pleases without being brought into you and your husbands sleazy life. And it is sleazy. On both your parts because you knew and you stayed.

Keep her out of it. And I hope you do find the courage to get yourself out of it too.

Original poster

Leggylavender · 28/02/2018 19:53

I understand that she's got nothing to do with the whole situation. If it's not her, it will be someone else. Unfortunately I don't have any print screen or things like that. What desperates me is that I am from abroad and he would never let me go back to my country taking our DD with me.

I confronted him and he suggested some therapy. He said he loves me very much and cannot lose his wife and his child. I know nothing will change :( I just want this to be over.

OP posts:

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