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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend a lower proportion of my income on a birthday gift?

29 replies

Corblimeyguv · 28/02/2018 07:47

I got friendly with a work colleague last year, and she invited me and my family to hers for a lunch for my birthday. We didn’t know each other that well at that point. At the time my DH was away for the week so was feeling a bit (childishly) low about it all. I was massively grateful to her for inviting me and the kids round.

We had a lovely time but they just went a bit ott for my liking- huge cake, presents and bubbly. Obviously I contributed to the booze but it was literally just one bottle of fizz I brought to drink between the adults because I had to care for the DCs. I managed to stay away from too much drink, but the lunch went into the evening. I was really touched but a bit surprised by all the things they brought for the day/evening, and has not expected gifts or a cake. They are really generous.

Fast forward to January and the friend has her birthday. We have seen each other a few times since then socially and it’s been nice. Her DCs have birthdays coming up soon too. In January I got her a gift and flowers- not something I usually do unless it’s a big birthday for a friend- and take it round. For various reasons I could not reciprocate with a lunch or party, but I tried to reciprocate a little with the gift.

Friend thanks me, doesn’t unwrap the gift at that stage as they’re going out, but seems happy enough. Since then she’s been off with me.

I then hear at work that she’s been complaining because she’s unhappy, because she knows that our household income is higher than hers (she knows this partly because we work together, partly her sussing it out because we’ve had a new kitchen and bathroom put in and she asked if it was on credit- I said no). Her argument was that the birthday present should have been more expensive because she spent a certain proportion of her income on my gift, and I should match that proportion of my income for hers.

I ask her about whether it’s true that she’s unhappy with what I got her, she goes quiet and then says that she doesn’t have much money and pulled out all the stops for me. I have spare cash and only spent £20 plus flowers.

I feel awful that she feels let down by me. Equally, I also feel that this is a very childish way of looking at it, and I am now wondering if she made such a fuss of me to get something back. And to gossip to workmates is horrible! I get that I didn’t throw a lunch or party, but I don’t have the energy to start throwing birthday lunches for all my friends! We often go out for a meal or something, which I offered to do for this friend but she already had plans with her DH.

This doesn’t feel like much of a friendship.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 28/02/2018 07:51

I had a work collegue like this once, eventually they are emotionally draining, they "buy" friendships through gifts, eventually they become controlling. By what you have written, the emotional black mail is already starting.

Cut this friendship now.

Idontdowindows · 28/02/2018 07:51

She doesn't sound like a friend to me, but for someone who is out for what she can get out of it.

But then, I've always made it a rule not to make friends at work, I spend enough time with these people anyway :D

Brokenbiscuit · 28/02/2018 07:54

No. YADNBU.

Gifts are just that - given freely, without any expectation of getting something back.

I tend to be quite generous in my gift-giving, because it gives me pleasure to make others happy. I would hate to think that people felt obliged to reciprocate in kind, and if that was a risk, I would adjust my gift-giving accordingly.

It doesn't matter what your household income is, or whether you could afford more. You didn't owe her anything.

user1493413286 · 28/02/2018 07:56

I would politely bring it up with her and explain that you’ve heard she’s unhappy and you’re sorry etc but you couldn’t afford more.
People shouldn’t give on the basis of receiving. Recently I’ve had family members complaining that they spent more on me than I did on them which was upsetting but I couldn’t afford more and I didnt expect them to spend what they did on me

PerfumeIsAMessage · 28/02/2018 07:56

It sounds like she DID do a massive thing for you when she had the party for you, so a bunch of flowers and a little gift did probably smart tbh.

That said, what sort of adult even bothers with that sort of heavy duty birthdaying anyway? None I know.

So, you are being a bit U not to have at least got her something a bit special (even if inexpensive) after what she did for you. She is being U for being a birthdayzilla.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 28/02/2018 08:00

It sounds as if she was 'investing' in you when she pulled the stops out for your birthday, expecting a good return.

Agree you need to let this one go, and also agree that it's best to keep a distance from colleagues, at least while you are still working. Colleagues who want to get too close and know everything about you are a bit creepy.

HuskyMcClusky · 28/02/2018 08:00

YANBU. Her attitude is a bit weird. Are there any cultural differences at play here?

seedsofchocolate · 28/02/2018 08:02

It isn't a friendship at all when it is so conditional and based on this level of reciprocity.

Personally, if I had been gossiped about like this, I would corner said friend and reimburse her for party/birthday dinner she organised for you, then tell her to fuck off.

The party was as much for her as it was for you.

Trills · 28/02/2018 08:09

It's really weird to be doing that maths.

Branleuse · 28/02/2018 08:14

i would say that it was lovely what she did for your birthday, but it was a surprise and didnt realise that this was what would be expected for every birthday now. Youd much rather have things low key and are very sorry that shes offended

Doobedoobedoobedoobedoobe · 28/02/2018 08:23

If I heard someone moaning that their friend did not spend enough on their birthday and didn't live up to the bar they'd unreasonably set I'd think they were batshit.

Gifts should be freely given as should your time/ a party. If you do this stuff because you think you will "get more back as the recipient earns more" then your motives are fucked and you need to be given a wide birth.

If I said anything at all I'd say that I find it creepy that she's so interested in my finances and sad that it seems that she only did a nice thing for me in order to get more back for herself.

I'd give her a wide birth either way

blackeyes72 · 28/02/2018 08:26

Certain members of my family are like this and it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. It's harder to walk away from family but if it was a friend I would run a mile.

I have a spontaneous nature too and have done random presents for friends for Christmas or birthdays or just see stuff and buy it but I never expect it back neither I do feel like they should expect it consistently.

Everyone has very busy lives, it's not about the money, it's about the fact that I feel presents should be spontaneous acts of generosity. So for example I would value my friends taking the kids out for an afternoon or spending an evening on the phone with me if I am upset, much more or at least the same as receiving a present.

As for the measuring value it's unbelievable. I would be really put off by that. So if you were a millionaire she would expect a car for a present? Ridiculous. I have friends who are millionaires and ones who are on low incomes and we all get modest presents for each other. (Think a book or flowers or theatre tickets if we are feeling very flash).

Hullygully · 28/02/2018 08:31

She is insane. Ask her how much she spent, write her a cheque, smile, wave and walk away.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/02/2018 08:31

'Only' £20 plus flowers?

Heaven help us. IMO it's childish and ridiculous in the extreme for adults to make a big thing of birthday presents from friends.
What you gave was plenty.
She sounds like a spoilt, sulky 6 year old who didnt get the precise bit of plastic Barbie tat she wanted.,

Mrsmadevans · 28/02/2018 08:38

I have never made friends with work colleagues, am very friendly with them and very kind but l think it is unprofessional to socialise with them outside of work. I have always done this , l am not in one of the cliques, there are several but l am never gossiped about afaik , or sent to Coventry. I am never in one day and out the next . I like that . Ditch her asap OP. I think you need to ask her how much you owe her for your birthday in her opinion and pay her off. Then get rid asap! The other workmate will soon see what she is like. Finally...... it is not you.

Valentinesfart · 28/02/2018 08:41

What Branleuse said.

I don't think she is being malicious or "investing" for a good return. She just obviously has very different ideas to you about friends and birthdays. Just be open and don't lose what sounds like a nice person as a friend over this (assuming this is a one off weirdness)

daisychain01 · 28/02/2018 08:42

Mixing work with social often ends badly, and then you can't escape because you've got to carry on working with them after it's all gone sour.

I can't offer a solution other than distance yourself, stay polite and only engage in small talk from now on (if you have to engage at all, best not if you can get away with it)

Loonoon · 28/02/2018 08:44

She sounds grabby to me and has a skewed notion idea of the concepts of friendship or giving.

I once hosted a birthday get together for a friend whose husband was away. I knew she was down about it so I pulled out all the stops with special food, balloon bouquets, flowers etc. She was thrilled and I was thrilled that she was thrilled and it ended there. I certainly didn't expect her to match it or outdo it when my birthday came around.
If we all constantly tried to match or exceed the gifts and treats we are given it could escalate to a silly level very quickly and doing something nice for a friend would stop being special or thoughtful and become a duty and a chore.

Kikashi · 28/02/2018 08:56

You didn't ask her for a big party and gifts. It was her choice to do that and go OTT. It wasn't altruistic if she expects the same in return. Best to withdraw- it will be neverending (I know from bitter experience)

junebirthdaygirl · 28/02/2018 09:01

When my dh was ill and in hospital my dfs had a surprise dinner for me. I thought l was meeting one of them for a bite to eat so l wouldn't be alone on my birthday. Arrived to 8 of them and it was the nicest surprise ever. We have just continued as normal since and l never felt under pressure to do extra. It was their cboice and fully appreciated.
She is not a good person to be friends with. Just pull back a step and maintain a colleague relationship. People who gossip in work should be shunned.

mummmy2017 · 28/02/2018 09:07

I you want to keep the peace, buy her some of the CO-OP eggs, they are £2.50 instead of £6, so just spend a tenner, tell her you felt, bad, about it and that if you both put a limit on an further gitfs of no more than £15, then neither of you will be unhappy.

If she doesn't accept this then you need to see she is an indian giver.

pinkdelight · 28/02/2018 09:13

It's nuts. Your finances are none of her business, and you could well be skint having paid for the bathroom etc instead of putting it on credit. Flowers and a pressie is perfectly good for a normal grown up birthday. YANBU and it's a positive to have found this out now and not got locked into an endless back and forth of expensive reciprocal celebrations.

Original poster
Corblimeyguv · 28/02/2018 10:02

Thanks everyone, it’s been good to have other views about this.

I think it’s a lesson learned for me about work vs social!

Oh, and no cultural angles here that I am aware of, Husky.

It’s just struck me that one of the first things her husband asked when he met me (at my house) was whether we owned or rented our house. I thought it was an odd and irrelevant question. I might be reading too much into it, but now I wonder if they have been trying to work out how much I am worth. It’s not a nice feeling. And gossiping at work is just not something a friend would do...

Thanks again

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 01/03/2018 11:55

strange way of putting it !

fobiddenfruitcrumble · 01/03/2018 12:07

It was entirely their decision to spend so much on your birthday when they hardly knew you. I would have felt embarrassed and a bit WTF? at such expense from a work colleague. When I later found out that they saw it as some kind of contract I had entered into and that merely by receiving unwarranted, unwanted and unasked for gifts I owed her something and that she was gossiping about me, I would be pretty stony-faced. Add to that the stuff about the cost of the new bathroom etc. and I would be telling her to stuff herself.

I am generous with my friends, and if it was a friend's birthday I might well do a lunch, but I would never do lunch, cake, presents, champagne, it's just nuts - and for someone you've only just met?

That is seriously unhinged behaviour.