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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be honest that my finances are tight

19 replies

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 06:50

I have little spare cash for socialising. I used to be very financially comfortable and my friends still are. They are aware of my change of circumstances but not quite how different they are. So, eg, will suggest a meal at an inexpensive restaurant when actually I can't afford to eat out, nor the train fare to meet.

As most of my friends live in a different city I can't see them much but I am worried they think I don't want to meet up and we will lose touch - when it's financial. Would you be uncomfortable if a friend told you they couldn't afford to do things? I wonder if honesty would help the friendships or make people feel awkward.

The couple of times I've attempted to be honest friends have wanted to "treat me" or seemed awkward when I've ordered a snack rather than lunch in pub.

Also there are is a local friend who I have been more honest with - but for a while he wanted to pay for me. I get it, he has a lot of disposable income. When you have money it seems odd to worry about the cost of an evening out. But I've been holding firm to only doing things I can afford.

He has invited me for to his, has said he'll cook, lots of good wine. I think he's being considerate of my finances. But I still feel uncomfortable.... although I'm also really looking forward to some company.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2018 06:53

Can they not come to yours for food, you cook a main course and tell them to bring pudding and wine

Meet up mid week somewhere that does 2 for 1 deals

Original poster

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 07:02

They're not local so i feel selfish having them travel for my convenience. The norm is that if you invite people you provide great food, lots of wine etc. It's just what it's like as everyone is very well off.

But they are lovely and wouldn't mind if I asked them to bring something I'm sure. They might be surprised but the embarrassment is probably mine.

OP posts:

Henrysmycat · 28/02/2018 07:17

Be honest with them. I was once and I have friends in your position. True friends will understand.
But I’d say, accept some kindness and friends paying your share occasionally. People circumstance change. I accepted some drinks and meals and now it’s my turn to treat. You never know how life turns out. You don’t havectoday but you will tomorrow.

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/02/2018 07:21

Are they “fun” friends you only go out with and socialise or do you actually have talk to them 1:1 on a regular basis and have individual friendships?

Henrysmycat · 28/02/2018 07:22

Magic, I’m a great cook (and now wealthy,) when I do have people over, I do ask for pudding contributions or drinks. There’s so much time in a day to whip up a decent meal and pudding and sides and pop in Majestic Wines especially when you have family and kids. It’s understandable.

ShotsFired · 28/02/2018 07:37

In the nicest possible way you are martyring yourself a bit here.

Don't want to put them out
Don't want to ask them to come to yu
Don't want to be treated
etc.

They are your friends, they love you for you, not the size of your bank balance.

AYBU to be upfront and tell them times are tough? No of course not. Tell them and be open about it.

Then accept that they might want to treat you now and then, or come to visit instead of going out. Or have coffee instead of a meal. or whatever suits the pursestrings.

Original poster

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 07:38

Its actual friends. (The big group I lost touch with at end of my marriage and I'm ok with that). But we're not as close as we once we're. I don't see them regularly but I'd like to see them a little more.

I might invite people over in a few weeks and give it a go. I haven't even got matching crockery for more than a couple of people. (Started over completely). But I have young DC, people make allowances don't they!

OP posts:

Original poster

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 07:40

In the nicest possible way you are martyring yourself a bit here.

Yes maybe. Thanks. It's difficult to judge.

OP posts:

Nomad86 · 28/02/2018 08:09

You're not putting them out by them coming to you because you're providing the meal so it's even. I don't drive so friends who do tend to come to me. In exchange, I cook a lovely big meal. If you just explain the situation, that you're on a tight budget but are keen to maintain the friendship, true friends will understand.

NataliaOsipova · 28/02/2018 08:09

In the nicest possible way you are martyring yourself a bit here.

I agree with this (again, not meaning to be unkind). If these are genuine friends, they will want to spend time with you. They won't offer to treat you if they don't want to do it/can't afford to. It's fine in the circumstances you describe to, say, accept a meal out as a treat and then reciprocate by cooking for them. Or on the basis that you'll treat them when times are a bit easier. With real friends, things usually "come out in the wash" over time.

BigChocFrenzy · 28/02/2018 08:16

As pp:
Explain you can't afford to travel or eat out,
invite a few friends over, they bring wine and dessert, you cook a hearty main course

Matching crockery etc ?
Friends won't give a damn about that, just that it's all clean and glasses polished

Original poster

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 08:21

A counsellor i see suggested very nicely I might have isolated myself a little - which I couldn't really see. Reading your comments makes me wonder if this is part of what she meant.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2018 09:28

If a friend said to me

I’m not flush so can you come to mine for a meal and you bring pudding - I’d like that, especially as it would be cheaper than eating out anyway

I’d then realise your financial state and ask you to mine for a meal

Friendship isn’t about money

Original poster

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 09:37

Yes you're right.

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/02/2018 09:41

I'd talk to them. Explain that you feel awkward about accepting their offers but you don't want to keep putting them off as their friendship is important to you.

They'll get it I'm sure.

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/02/2018 09:41

Friendship isn't just about doing nice things for your friends. It also involves allowing friends to do nice things for you.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 28/02/2018 09:44

You sound rich in friends.Real friends you should tell and they won't mind.They will know you're starting again so non matching crockery not an issue.

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/02/2018 18:53

Lots of friends also maintain friendships with texts/emails/phone calls, so I find it a bit odd that it’s all about physically getting together for dinners/nights out.

Original poster

probablymagic · 28/02/2018 19:17

I do keep in contact by text, email etc. I suppose the physically getting together bit is what I'd like to manage more. I'm separated, work alone and have no family other than DC. I haven't seen anyone in a few months.

OP posts:

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