Toilet training

[texxxas]

Not really AIBU, posting for traffic.

My son is 4 and a half and will not poo on the toilet or potty.

He has been dry day and night for 1 year with only 1 or 2 accidents during that time, but will not give up the nappies for a poo.

Size 6 nappies and pull ups are very tight and will probably start falling down or sides opening up in the not too distant future.

I have tried bribery, reward charts, allowing the iPad (and a snack at his request) while sat on the toilet, allowed him to choose a big day out when he uses he toilet properly, giving rewards in advance, having rewards held back to receive after pooing. Nothing works.

I have also tried hiding nappies and saying they have and gone, this just makes him hold it in and become constipated until I 'find' one.

I have tried being firm and getting tough, this just makes him upset and again constipated.

I have tried the NHS Pooland story. He laughed at the story but wouldn't help his poor poo get home.

School isn't affected, he always makes sure he goes outside of school hours.

I'm at a loss now with what to do. I I'm ok with the idea of totally backing off and waiting for it to happen by itself, but I feel a lot of pressure from others to make him happen sooner because this is what he 'should' be doing.

Any tips? Would you lay off for now? Or try to push through even though he seems very against the idea.

Bump?

Does he tell you when he needs to go and asks for a pull up or is he in total denial? My DS is 3 and is brilliant with wees but will only poo in his pants / pull up. He doesn’t say he needs to go, just goes off somewhere and then hides. Nothing seems to work for him either eg rewards, threats, incentives etc I had similar issues with my DD too. We ended up showering her once as it was so bad, which she hated, so the next time I showered her again and she still hated it so just stopped doing it. Just like that. Unfortunately this didn’t work with DS as he wasnt bothered about the shower. I know this isn’t much help, but you are not alone! At least he’s not doing it at school..... Do you think he is doing it to control something? Will he sit on the toilet wearing his pull up? So he gets used to doing it on the toilet but in the pull up. Did he say what he doesn’t like about the toilet/ potty? Or is it poo in general he doesn’t like?

Get him to blow bubbles sat on the toilet. The learning disability nurses told me to do this for my son who had the same issue at 5. The blowing caused movement down below without them pushing.

I feel your pain OP - I had the exact same issue which took bloody months to resolve but we got there in the end. You need to back off completely for a little while and take the pressure off the situation. Please don’t try and go cold turkey because he will only make himself ill by withholding ( we ended up with our DD having to see the out of hours Dr with stomach pains from withholding ). Check out the advice sheet at ERIC and follow the advice but expect it to take a while. Briefly it involves poos being done in a nappy but in the bathroom. If possible sitting on the toilet but if not working towards sitting on the toilet. ( lid down at first then lid up). When he’s happy to do that then you cut a tiny hole in the nappy and gradually make it bigger and bigger until he’s just wearing it around his waist ( and the rest is just hole) - after that he will see it’s nothing to be scared of. Rewards each little step with a small reward - we found a lucky dip bag with all sorts or mermaid junk very motivating rather than the promise of a reward sometime in the future. You will suddenly find he gets it and you’ll be up and running. I found the whole thing extremely stressful mainly because my DM would go on about it EVERY TIME we spoke and because I didn’t know anyone else with the same issue. If you want further advice ERIC have a helpline that you can call. Good luck.

He won't ever poo in his pants he insists on a nappy but goes to be bathroom to do it. Always tells us he needs to go.

He says he can't do it on the toilet because it doesn't feel right. Have tried sitting wearing a nappy but he gets upset and climbs down.

Thanks for kind words of advice and tips I will definitely be trying them

Have you tried putting a stool under his feet when on the toilet, so that he is in a more natural squatting position? Put cushions on it if necessary to get his feet higher so that he is in the same position as when squatting on the floor.

He puts his feet on his step that he uses for reaching the sink but perhaps it needs raising with something, will try!

I certainly wouldn’t lay off, he’s of an age it needs to be dealt with.

Might be worth a chat with the HV or GP?

We had the same thing till our son was 4. I was very reluctant to put pressure on for fear of withholding.

One day he just started doing it. It wasn't long after he'd started school which may have had an effect but there was nothing else different going on. We'd tried the lot like you - bribes, charts, Poo going to sodding Pooland and the ERIC guidance. And our other kids trained pretty easily. Keep the faith...

We had this with DD when she was 3. HV was very helpful but in the end what did it was that DD needed a poo at nursery where pull-ups weren’t an option. Her key person knew the situation and was very encouraging and patient. I think something about it not being us and not at home took the pressure off a bit, in a strange way as it had become a power struggle with us. Is there any way you could rope in grandparents or someone else to help?

You can’t really rush the stages - if he will crouch / sit / stand next to the toilet start with that and reward him for that. Gradually move to him sitting on the toilet. You might need to leave him alone in the bathroom if he wants privacy ( don’t we all). The school may be able to refer you to a continence nurse / school nurse who in our case reinforced the ERIC methodology. The GP in our case wanted to use stool softeners and laxatives but I was never persuaded that our DD was constipated - but of course that may be beneficial in your case. I was at the stage of looking for a private consultant in London but thankfully we got there without having to go down that route.

I don't really have any useful advice but I do sympathise. My DS was the same until he was 4 and then he suddenly started using the toilet and hasn't looked back since.

Good luck.

I read about one mum who was having the same issue and did a gradual change along the lines of:
1 - get him to poo on the toilet wearing nappy
2 - same but undo the nappy sides
3 - lay nappy flat over toilet
4 - lay nappy under toilet seat
5 - lower nappy into toilet

Could you try something like that?

You could try poo presents. I bought a load of cheapy (£1 or less ) games and toys from second hand shop etc. Whenever he did a poo on a loo he got to choose and unwrap a gift. I made sure it looked like a nice big pile of goodies! Gradually we moved down to kinder eggs then choccy button then he just forgot and went when he needed to.