Marriage is hard after kids

[tootiredforeverything]

So I had my daughter nearly a year ago, and yes it's been hard, but she is honestly the greatest thing in my life and I have never felt a love like it. The problem is that since she arrived, I just don't feel the same way about my husband. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and are in our thirties. Our relationship was built on trust and friendship rather than lots of sex and passion, however we a lot of fun over the years, and yes we argued (sometimes a lot), but we were happy. He was my best friend, we made each other laugh, and I truly loved him.

When we first brought our daughter home, we worked together really well and we couldn't be happier. But over the months, I just ended up doing everything for her. If I'm honest I wanted to do this and I haven't resented any of it... even when I was surviving on 2 hours broken sleep a night. I'm her mum and I want to take care of her, and didn't want to miss anything.

I think things took a turn for the worse in our relationship when the sleepless nights got really bad, and he moved into the spare room. I honestly felt relieved about this as I could manage the crying and night feeds without worrying about waking him up.

Fast forward to my husband moving back into our room though, and I immediately resented it. I used to want to cuddle, hold hands etc, but now I don't want him to touch me! We have had sex a few times, but honestly I was just doing it for him and couldn't wait for it to be over.

Anyway we have now reached a stage where he is frustrated that we don't have a relationship beyond being mum and dad. I'm back at work and juggling everything at home with a full time job, and it's like I just don't have anything left for him. I know that he could do more to help etc, but equally it's me who has withdrawn from our relationship. Is this something that other people have been through? Did you manage to get things back on track? I don't think it's a matter of making more time for us as a couple, as even when we've tried, my sex drive isn't there. I don't want to leave or break up our family, but I know my husband can't live in a sexless marriage either...

Totally get where you’re coming from. My DH works away mostly and as there’s a lot of travel involved when he gets home he’s knackered and therefore not massively involved (he makes mega efforts with DD tho).

I was working full time as well as looking after child (who was being bullied), dogs, house renovation and managing my own chronic illness.

We stopped talking, we were fine with DD with us but just the two of us we floundered.

I was exhausted and ended up in Hospital (DH was away with work at the time so friends rallied round) was very lost and resentful afterwards.

I lost the plot a few months later and ended up leaving work to concentrate on my health and the happiness of our DD.

This led to a whole clusterfuck of stuff and I ended up on new treatments (which have some side effects) and a diagnosis of depression on top.

We’ve been making more time for ourselves which has helped. He still works away a lot, but I’ve learned to know my limits as well and not put the pressure on myself.

We’ve been together 15 years and it is hard sometimes, kids are a game changer.

But we’re stronger for it. And yes he’s a dick sometimes but I can be too and we are good.

It's really common and it's really serious, as it's what could make your marriage unravel. And if he's a good man, good dad, your ex-best friend until your daughter usurped him, then that's a hell of a lot to lose in order to bring her up on your own if the marriage ends.

You do have to make an effort. I don't mean lie down and think of England [wink.] I mean, make a massive effort to reconnect emotionally and rekindle the love you had for each other.

Start by going on dates. You say that doesn't work as it still doesn't put you in the mood, but long term, having fun together as a couple will help you through this phase. Do fun stuff that prevents you from sitting in a restaurant talking about your child. Go to gigs and comedy clubs or go climbing together - something you can bond over.

Get him to take her out for entire days or to look after her for entire days at weekends while you go off and do stuff, so he gets the chance to develop his bond with her. Don't freeze him out.

Do fun stuff as a family. Her first seaside trip, first ride at the fair etc.

I don't have any suggestions for how to handle the sex life. In all marriages there's times when you go off each other a bit and then get your interest back. But try not to freeze him out entirely. Show affection and appreciation to him as much as you can. How would you feel if he and your daughter had deeply bonded and you felt excluded and surplus to requirement? It would break your heart and knock your self confidence.

I just ended up doing everything for her. If I'm honest I wanted to do this and I haven't resented any of it, but it sounded like your DH has resented it. He probably feels redundant as both a parent and a partner.

There is plenty of research to show that marital/relationship satisfaction does go down once children come into the equation. It was just the two of you for a long time before you had your DD. If you really want things with your husband to get back to how they were before you had your DD you need to talk about it honestly, or perhaps some couples therapy might help?

but we were happy. He was my best friend, we made each other laugh, and I truly loved him.

These threads make me so sad, beause children should be the product of a good relationship, they are not the primary relationship despite what MN will tell you they are ancilliary to it.

I feel really sorry for your DH. You're the one who has changed the relationship dynamic, he either has to suck that up and live a sterile existance, devoid of affection, or if he leaves, you'll screw him over a barrel financially. That's the bottom line. Unless of course you want another child and you'll suddenly become more enamoured of him until he's fulfilled his purpose in providing a sibling, where upon it'll be back off to the spare room.

I've seen so many relationships fall apart over this sort of behaviour. And the children dont benefit from having a good, decent man kicked out of their life (bar every other weekend)

My husband and I don't have kids yet so I might get shot down here, but we have had a lot of major challenges in our relationship over the years, including serious illness and me taking on a caring roll for him. There have been times where we have grown distant from each other and times where one of us has lost our sex drive for a while, some years where we have barely had sex at all. Ultimately if you still have the underlying friendship you have the most important part of the relationship and there is hope for the rest. My husband and I have both found couples counceĺing incredibly useful for our relationship. You don't have to be at breaking point for this to help. We are still best friends and have got our sex life back on track, better than ever. Having another little person in your relationship must make huge shifts in the dynamics I'm sure it will take time to settle into how things are now, but if you still like and love him there is still hope.

You are not unusual - it is really hard juggling everything, the relationship between the two of you tends to drop down the priority list.

It does get better as you adapt but both of you need to have different expectations - things don't just go back to normal, they change. They will change again as your family grows up.

However you say you are juggling full time work and everything else. How much of the "everything else" is DH doing? I thought we split fairly evenly until I listed it out and realised I was doing way more than half in terms of hours per week and had much less free time. Most of my friends would have told a similar story and redressing this can help. Withdrawing from the relationship is common where you feel it isn't equal.

Once you have the overall workload more balanced, things often get better, but the start point is getting a more equal sharing of the workload and reducing the weight of responsibility for wifework.

Stop thinking of him as "helping" - its not helping, its doing his share of his own responsibilities.

Another one who feels sorry for your dh. As another has said, how would you feel if he had built up this close, all consuming relationship with your child, and effectively pushed you out?
You should be enjoying your child together, include him more, if he was once your best friend, he must feel very lonely right now.
The alternative? You separate and then how would you feel about shared custody?

The first few years of having kids can be tough on a relationship. Everything has changed. You are going to have to put in a lot of effort if you want your marriage to succeed.
Talk to him. Make time for him. Look through old photos of when things were just about the two of you to remember how you felt about him. Relationships take work when you have young children.
Ours are older now, we went through something similar to you, we worked and struggled through it and our reward is a very happy and loving marriage, better than before.

Another thing that really helped, go away for a night by yourself, leave your DH and daughter to bond and go and catch up with friends, pamper yourself, get away.
Good for all of you.

I'm not surprised your libido is rock bottom if you're working full time, you had a child who had you on 2 hours sleep a night for any significant period, and you're doing most of what needs to be done at home. It will be. The fact that you've chosen all this and are fairly happy about it doesn't change that. And it'll take more than clearing a bit of time for you as a couple to fix it, because you'll still be knackered.

I'm back at work and juggling everything at home with a full time job, and it's like I just don't have anything left for him.

You don't. You need to have a frank discussion about dividing up housework and childcare now that you are back at work. It is really easy for the partner who hasn't been on maternity leave to get used to not doing very much - and this definitely breeds resentment. I reckon if you could get this sorted, that would be a big step to solving everything else!

This is completely common and, possibly completely normal. You are consumed by the needs of your child and have nothing left over right now. You have noticed it and know it’s not a good situation so it’s time to work on this.

Communication is vital. Talk. Share out the chores and childcare. Make some changes and reclaim a bit of yourself and of your relationship. Have conversations that don’t revolve only around dd.

Laugh again together and recreate some fun. You can and will get there. Some people even manage to stay happy together after several more dc! Actually though, number one is the tricky one for most relationships as the dynamic changes so much.

To OP:

Every marriage different and a reduction in sex is common soon after birth of a child. Even the medical profession suggests refraining for several weeks to allow woman's body to recover.

However, suggest you BOTH try and make the effort for some private time. Maybe new baby can be left with grandparents or someone you trust for a few hours?

Upon reflection I chased my Husband away a lot after birth of child and even blamed child for me gaining weight even though not true. I became self conscious about change in weight and figure and assumed Husband would not be interested. Big mistake as indifference followed and I am now an ex wife

This is very common. But so sad. It takes time and effort to reconnect.

My brother left his wife for something very similar. He just couldn’t stand the feeling of not being wanted any longer. It was heartbreaking to see but his wife just went completely off him as a partner once she had a child. He felt used. She realised afterwards that she had played a huge part in this but it was too late. His feelings for her had gone by then.

I would implore you to not let it get to this stage. It sounds like it’s very close to it.

Sounds like your dh has been well and truly squeezed out of his own family. He has allowed this to happen, probably in the expectation it would be temporary, and is now wondering if your "relationship" will continue like this forever. Well, it doesn't have to carry on like this - too many people give up on their relationships within the first few years of having kids, because they think this is it forever, now, when it is not even remotely inevitable. Kids change, they become bigger and less vulnerable so that even the most intensely protective, obsessed parent can see that they do not need to be at their child's beck and call 24/7. The sort of relationship you want to maintain with your dd is not compatible with a partnership and a full time job, so you need to relinquish a bit of control. You need to make changes. I would suggest some kind of counselling to sort through each other's feelings and frustrations. Definitely don't give up on what was a lovely friendship and supportive relationship, because I am 100% certain you will start to hanker after that yourself in the next few years, when your passion for your dd has become less all-consuming, and you will regret letting your adult relationship drift apart at that point.

It's not too late OP.

Your marriage is the foundation of the love you have for your child.

It doesn't start with sex, sex is just an easy "issue" to blame it all on and not go any deeper into communication. Sex is a casualty of the breakdown in communication.

Don't give up OP. Fight for your marriage.

I get where you're coming from OP. Things like that can happen after DC .

I felt like that after DC2, I used to lay in bed thinking about how are we ever going to get intimate again as I just felt no desire at all, I still found him attractive physically but I couldn't imagine ever having sex with him again. DP has also had to go away for multiple nights at a time when Dc2 was only about 10 weeks old and I didn't miss him at all, I felt nothing about him not being there and I got concerned.

What helped was DP making an effort with me. I think I got into "mum mode" 24/7 and didn't see myself beyond that, I was just caught up with DCs. DP helped too but I'm a SAHM so I'd spend most of my time with them.
But in your case it sounds like your DP just stepped back altogether and let you get on with it and it's been a long time.

Thanks everyone. Firstly in my opinion divorce is not an option. We married for better or worse and we will get through this. I haven't given up which is why I wanted advice and to see if others had felt this way too, and hopefully hear how they turned things around.

I totally accept that it is me who has withdrawn from the relationship. I guess tiredness was to blame in the beginning (reflux baby), but ultimately I just felt that after giving our baby everything I could all day, everyday; that afterwards I just wanted some space and time for myself.

But I think having written this down, I can see that I'm being selfish and need to commit to our emotional and physical relationship, and not just to our role as parents. I would love more children and he is a wonderful father, and a good husband, and we're both committed to our family. Our time together is so precious to both of us, and my daughter adores him. And we do have fun together in those situations.

But you're also right, that maybe I have lost myself when trying to do everything; especially now I'm working again. I've yet to have a full nights sleep since she was born and I do seem to have to look after everything in he home. So maybe it is time to try and stop being super woman. That clearly isn't working!

I do feel more like my old self now I'm back at work, and am hoping one day soon I'll fit back into all my old clothes. So maybe my sex drive will return eventually? But it's not easy to suddenly feel sexy and feel motivated to do sexy things to someone else!

So maybe it is time to try and stop being super woman. That clearly isn't working!

Trust me - we pretty much all find that out sooner or later

Share more of the load with your DH - both the child related and the home related. It is better for all of you if you can do this.

Its pretty much impossible to get the libido up when you are exhausted and when inside yourself you know you are doing a lot more than your partner (even if its a situation you have created by trying to "do everything").

There is also a practical reason for doing it - either one of you should be able to run the home and family independently because you never know what will happen. Illness/other unexpected situations arise without warning. Remind yourself it is important for your family's security that you both share and can manage these responsibilities.

If you're the one 'juggling everything at home 'no wonder you're knackered. There'll be underlying resentment too and quite rightly so. If you're ft everything else should be split 50/50. Childcare, housework, DIY etc, everything.

Yes I found this. I had 2 children close together. I discovered in November that my husband had been having a 5 month affair with a work colleague. My children were 9 months and 2 years old when it began. I implore you to try and make more time for each other and communicate more.

I had t thought things were quite so bad for us, but clearly they were.

"Firstly in my opinion divorce is not an option. We married for better or worse and we will get through this. I haven't given up "

Unfortunately you are not the only one who gets to decide if divorce is an option.... especially if you are the one turning away from the relationship and have changed the dynamic.

Have the talk, and bear in mind life is always changing... so the dynamic will change, but both of you need to be nurturing the relationship as well as the children.

I agree with others, you don't exclusively get to decide if the marriage is over, ultimately it's your dh who is going to be the unhappy one, and considering his options at some point!
It sounds as though you've had a wake up call, having a child is mind blowing/amazing but never lose sight of who you were before and believe me, a loving, supportive dh should be treasured, not pushed away.