To wonder how I help my daughter avoid my mistakes without being overbearing?

[Ennirem]

So my daughter is only 13 months old at the moment, so this is very much a worry for the future. But...

I've taken several key decisions in my life, and in general lived my life, in a way I now see was not the most conducive to my own happiness. This ranges from:

• spending too much of my life either in relationships with or looking to be in relationships with men (it occurs to me more and more that women are happier, healthier and generally better off if they avoid obsessing about this and put themselves first, certainly in their late teens/early twenties);

• worrying too much about being a 'nice person', exalting 'helping people' over and above looking out for my own wellbeing;

• pursuing humanities subjects at school/uni because I enjoyed them the most, rather than thinking long term whether I would gain anything tangible from their study I couldn't just as well get out of them in my free time;

• not travelling enough, not having enough hobbies, not pursuing my talents and interests enough - just generally letting life pass me by a bit.

I am aware the best thing I could do to help her make better decisions is to pack her full of self confidence and model the kind of behaviour I'd like to see her exhibit.

But I am aware that a lot of who I am now feels pretty entrenched, and the very fact of having a young daughter now makes it harder for me to make any radical changes to my situation (ditch the emotionally challenged, needy partner, go back to college to study something challenging and worthwhile, tell various draining family members to go fuck themselves etc, go and live in Italy for a year) - I don't want to make excuses but I haven't the time or the money to do most of these things now, and at my age with a baby in tow they're just not practical (or don't seem to be).

I really don't want to watch her grow up feeling like she's boxed herself into a corner, or given more than she'll ever get back to others. But I also don't want to interfere with her life or try to 'live through her', fixing my mistakes by imposing on her choices... Being neurotic about it is probably the LEAST helpful thing I can do.

Not sure what I'm really asking... just... how can I gently steer her to make good, practical, self-nourishing choices as she grows up, to believe in her own right and ability to be happy, when the main examples in her life are anything but?

I am a product of my upbringing to an extent - dysfunctional, unhappy, unfulfilled parents who never taught me how to be happy and seemed to think that ambition somewhat naive. I want to break that cycle so badly.

What is the answer? Therapy for me? Or are there simple, subtle ways I can inculcate the tools for fulfilment and happiness in her when I don't feel i have them myself or necessarily know what they are?

Therapy for you, as you suggested, might be a start.

The happiest families I know have parents who have the right balance - they are not neglectful, obviously, but also the parents are not overly anxious and concerned about always doing the 'right' thing.

Thanks @Vibe2018 - you're probably right, just reading this back to myself it sounds so very anxious and overwrought, that's the last thing I want her growing up with. I'm still dealing with my own mother's mental health problems and lack of boundaries, I can see how what she has done/is doing affects me, but I'm so worried that just that awareness won't be enough to stop me repeating the cycle - and then I worry because I'm worried(!), instead of being the confident, relaxed, happy parent that I know would be ideal. Sigh. It feel like a vortex sometimes, the anxieties breeding more anxieties... As soon as I'm earning decent money again (just coming off mat leave and looking for a new job local to me) then it's time to invest in some therapy to get control of these thoughts and develop some healthier behaviours. I know inside the only way to teach her happiness is to show her how its done. There's no cheat sheet.

Therapy for yourself might be useful for you, I think most people can benefit.

Try and give her a happy, secure childhood knowing that she is loved and that she is awesome and deserves good things. Teaching self reliance and resilience, and how to recover from 'failures' (and that failures are not the end of the world) is also important I think. Show her that hard work pays off. Live an active and healthy lifestyle. Be open minded. Model good relationships (romantic, friends, family).

Give her opportunities to try new things, but also encouragement to stick at things when it gets a bit tough. E.g. maybe if she is finding music practice for exam grades a bit of a chore and stressful but she loves playing in the band - then children sometimes need the encouragement to see the bigger picture or to get through a tough period. Or she loves playing hockey but doesn't like the early starts on a Saturday - again is it really worth giving up a sport you love just because of one early start?

The thing is, at the end of the day it's her life to live - her mistakes to make.

You can encourage, support and guide her to choices you think are best, but you can't stop her from being her own person and choosing her own path. In fact the more forceful you are about things, the more likely she will pull away and rebel once she gets older. Remember that she might grown up to have a different view of what a happy, fulfilled life is to the one you have.

By loving her and supporting her the way your family didn't with you, you're already giving her a great start. Don't worry about it all too much yet, she's still tiny, take each day as it comes and think about what you want for her, but remember to let her be the person she wants to be.

Also it does sound like you might have some buried issues with your upbringing and how your parents steered you, it might be useful to look into therapy for yourself to understand how this has affected you, and how you can avoid repeating those same patterns with your daughter.

I think recognising the potential issue is a good step forwards. However ultimately you cannot dictate where her interests will lie and the decisions she will have to make. Create positive opportunities and try to model the relationships and attitudes you would like her to learn. If you still have issues with your mother, agree some counselling make help you work through them and adopt a fresh approach, to save your own mh and move on.

You are totally right that the way you can show her best is to model the behaviour and help her to have loads of self confidence.
It sounds like like there’s a lot you want to do. Do things for yourself. You don’t have to make radical changes. You can do a part time course instead of going back to college full time. You don’t have to move to Italy, go on days out and cheap holidays. You don’t have to tell your family members to go fuck themselves if you’re not ready, just distance yourself from them etc.
Be happier with your life and your dd will learn from that.

Get some therapy to help you.

There’s nothing wrong with pursuing subjects that you were interested in. Please don’t think that urging someone to do something they’re not interested in in the hope of a good career is the best guidance for them. Often it can lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Your dd will have her own personality so encourage her to do the things that will make HER happy. Be prepared that those things won’t be what you imagine they might be.

I'd suggest that you slowly address the issues in your own life - I'm sure you wouldn't want your DD to believe that she can't change her path in mid-life, if that's what she wants.

The decisions that have been wrong for you may not be wrong for everyone:

• spending too much of my life pursuing relationships with men vs. neglecting relationships and being lonely

• worrying too much about being a 'nice person' vs not being comfortable with how one has behaved

• studying enjoyable subjects at school/uni vs putting effort into boring subjects which will lead to a career that is lucrative but uninteresting (to that person)

• not doing enough vs not relaxing enough - I think this is one of those cases where whichever you really want, that's the one you'll go for!

I think allowing her to make her own mistakes (with your supervision) form as early as possible is the best way to let her work out her own boundaries and limits etc. Even from things like climbing the stairs. You’re there behind her to catch her but you aren’t preventing her trying to climb by herself. Every little attempt at something is her testing her own limits and she is learning from every single one. Her brain stores all this and she will become adept at using her own judgement about all sorts of physical and social situaions. As hard as it is for you to sit back and watch her make mistakes, it’s what you have to do (obviously we don’t let them jump into train tracks or rivers just to see what happens )

You guys are lovely. Thank you so much for the good, sound, gentle advice. Particularly yours, @LiveLifeWithPassion - I do tend to be a bit of an extremist, thinking "well it's all gone too far now, I'll never be able to do x/y/z over so what's the point?" Your post reminds me I don't have to do anything radical to slowly introduce more joy into my life, and the very act of believing (a) I can change things for the better at this stage and (b) I deserve it is great to model to her too. Thanks xx