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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that a sick child should generate more interest?

14 replies

Oojamaflipples · 27/02/2018 00:20

My mum looks after my two nieces a lot (they are 4 and 6) for my sister (single Mum) and will often have them for a week at a time. When my Mum has the kids, there are never any check up calls or similar but to be fair my sister does work long shifts at a hospital. My mum lives close to my sister but when they are at mum's, they are very much 'at hers' if you see what I mean and the kids won't see my sister until they are dropped off or picked up.

My youngest niece has caught flu. My mum was actually quite worried about her earlier and called me as niece's temperature was really high and her throat was too sore to swallow fluids (I live in a different country, but have a DD of the same age who has recently recovered from the flu). I gave advice about what to treat with, what I had been told to look out for etc and my mum followed this. She updated my sister via text at lunchtime. Since then, sister has finished work but there has been no calls or texts asking if she's OK (just a text reminding my mum about older niece's school activity tomorrow) and no visit, even though it would only be a 10 minute journey.

My mum thinks it's a bit off to not be more engaged and is upset at how my sister is acting. She pointed out that I have called even though I was at work. I'm not sure if she's expecting too much (or whether she should have called my sister rather than texted) and was just wondering what other people would have done in the same situation?

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 27/02/2018 00:23

Why does your mum have them for so long?

Your sister is foolish to not have proper arrangements in place, surely she cannot rely on your mum long term?

A sick child needs their mum/patent.

Zoflorabore · 27/02/2018 00:23

Sorry- parent

JCo24 · 27/02/2018 00:26

She’s a nurse; she probably doesn’t class it as anything more than a heavy cold which doesn't require pandering . I’m sure she would be straight over there if she was genuinely concerned. If it’s normal for no contact and the girls are okay with this she probably doesn’t wanna worry them too.

Speaking from experience Nurse relatives tend to have a high threshold for sickness. As in you need to be dying to be taken seriously! Grin

Oojamaflipples · 27/02/2018 00:27

It's just always been that way. My mum is retired and more than happy to look after the kids. The kids love being round at hers and it was decided that when my sister was working long hours it was less disruptive for them to stay at mum's.

When I visit, the kids seem happiest round at my mum's but I do think that my sister has disengaged a bit. However, I'm not sure if this is why my mum has stepped up to take on more childcare (or if it's an effect of that?)?

OP posts:
JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 27/02/2018 00:28

Mmmmm why are you and your mum bitching about your sister behind her back?

Not your business. If your mum has issues with your sister she should address them with her not share with you.

Your mum should either have the kids and have some arrangement with her dd about contact or stop being a martyr and bitching to you.

It’s your mums choice to have them.

I speak as a gran who has my grandkids regularly

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 27/02/2018 00:31

Who mentioned anything about a Nurse? The OP definetly didn't. I'm sure there are other professions that work shifts in hospitals. Hmm

UnAcceptable · 27/02/2018 00:34

I agree with JCo, Nurse parents are seriously hardcore. No pandering of any fashion.
Also, if she works long shifts at the hospital and it's been decided that it's less disruptive for DCs to stay at Grandma's without mum popping in, then your sister is just carrying on with the status quo isn't she?
Was the update from your mum saying she wants her mum or was it saying "this is how she is doing, don't worry"? I know I've left my poorly DC with my mum or sisters before now and wouldn't give it a second thought if they reassured me that the children were ok. I trust my DM and DSs completely to care for them (would go see them if anyone texted me that they needed mummy though).

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 27/02/2018 00:34

my sister does work long shifts at a hospital

I guess nurse or Doc?

UnAcceptable · 27/02/2018 00:39

That's true sunset I skin read and assumed nurse.
Either way she appears to be keeping with a long standing arrangement where the Grandparent has become like a co-parent.
If it works why would she do anything differently because one of the DCs is poorly? I'm assuming she is working tomorrow too?
If the Mum thinks she's out of order or has asked for her to visit or tell work she has to care for her poorly child then she should be bringing that up with her daughter and not you OP. Otherwise it's just unresolved moaning and resentment

JCo24 · 27/02/2018 00:40

My bad sunset you’re right it doesn’t specifically say nurse. I made an assumption based on the long shifts.

Oojamaflipples · 27/02/2018 00:49

Sister is not a nurse, she works in the blood testing lab but I think that the thing about being hardcore about illness would still be true.

I agree with the poster above that it is more of a co-parent situation. My mum tends not to moan at my sister and offloads onto me (sister also does the same, she feels mum is overly invested in her life) as she doesn't want to cause any arguments. My feeling about the not calling in to check on sick child was that it wasn't something I would do, but that my set-up is completely different as my children aren't looked after by family. My mum thought I was being too easy on sister (she is the youngest and I tend to take her side) - hence why I was posting.

OP posts:
FlashTheSloth · 27/02/2018 01:10

I know a nurse and she doesn't even entertain people hurting themselves or being sick unless they are practically dying. Personally I don't think it's the best trait in medical staff. Your sister working in the blood lab is hardly in the same realm as doctor or nurse though. Leaving her children for a week at a time with zero contact is crap and even moreso when her child is ill.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 27/02/2018 01:18

Well, to buck the trend, I think it’s bizarre. If my kids are sick I sleep holding them all night if they want me too. Yes, I have the luxury of doing that and this mum is working long shifts, but I can’t imagine not even checking in. Especially with this horrible flu that’s been going around.

I feel so sorry for the kids. Imagine being so sick you can’t even drink and your own mum doesn’t so much as send a text about you.

UnAcceptable · 27/02/2018 03:22

Ahhh.
I think you're being a good, understanding big sister Oojama
If your mum is the one unhappy with the situation and maybe not liking her role anymore, then she needs to start to address it.
Maybe your sister needed a big helping hand once?
Maybe your mum enjoyed it?
Perhaps they'll carry on for a longtime like this or maybe not.
Either way it's different strokes for different folks.
Family and childcare arrangements are a minefield and not one I'd willingly enter into but I guess you just leave them to it and let them figure out what they each want/need?

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