..to think that if you have to ask, it probably is?

[JontyDoggle37]

This is not a criticism, or a specific TAAT, but more a general observation. So many times I see threads on here that are ‘is this abuse?’ ‘Is this controlling?’, ‘is he being an arse?’ and 99.9% of the time, when you RTFT, yes he/she/they absolutely is/are. It makes me feel a bit sad that so many of us obviously have that gut feel that something isn’t right, but then doubt/have no confidence in ourselves to declare that it is, on our own.
I wouldn’t want to deter anyone from seeking help here when they need it - this is more of a thread to say ‘if you think it is, you’re almost certainly right, act on your own belief and feel strong about that’.
Here endeth the philosophy/sermon (and I haven’t even had wine tonight). Just a thought that’s been building that I wanted to share...

Yep, I'm currently considering ending a relationship because I'm asking myself these same questions.

If I'm having to ask, something isn't right!

I think sometimes people feel the difficulties they are having are things that happens "to other people" and would never happen to them. So it's almost a disbelief and wanting to check if it is really happening?

Also if its a control issue and gaslighting is happening too it can really make you think you're the one in the wrong.

I agree if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

I think it's because for a lot of people who find themselves in abusive situations in adulthood, there has been abuse in their childhood, and the thing about childhood abuse is that it becomes your normal, and also most abusers will teach a child that questioning their ill treatment or indeed expressing any kind of negative emotion is shameful and wrong. They tend to like you cheery and smiling when they're not actively using you as a punch bag for their bad moods. So in adulthood it feels like a massive transgression to accuse someone else of treating you badly. That's why so many people come onto AIBU for backup - feeling that their own feelings and instincts are worthless and shameful, they do the very healthy thing of checking with other people. Unfortunately AIBU has a share of arseholes who'll argue black is white, and also sometimes well meaning people who either have no experience with abusers or they have their own reasons for always needing to be the person who turns the other cheek, who will twist themselves in knots to try to find a benign explanation for any behaviour no matter how bad.

The gaslighting causes all these doubts that if you were on the outside it's so bloody obvious is abuse etc but from the inside of that relationship you've been conditioned to doubt yourself and think you're overreacting/too emotional/high maintenance