To be upset

[Stanleytweeks]

Long back story but me and DP broke up in January after being together for 13 years, two young DC. We can’t afford to live separately right now so we are still sharing an abode, whilst it is not the best we are trying to be amicable for the kids and make it work. The house is tiny and we actually still share a room and bed (I work nights so not sleeping at the same time) but family life is pretty much the same as before we seperated. DC (5 & 6) do not know but probably suspect something is wrong.

For years we have both been suffering with depression so the break up has not been easy for either of us but both agree it is for the best.

Now why I am upset. When we broke up she told me she was not interested in finding someone else and only wanted to be happy with the kids but within days of our breakup she joined Tinder, met someone and just over week later gone out with them. When I found out I told her how sad it made me feel. The next week she arranged to see him again, I expressed again that this hurt me and I thought it was to soon for her to get into another relationship especially whilst we where still living together. She saw him anyway and ended up sleeping with him. Turns out he used her for sex and then told her his mother was poorly and stopped responding to her messages but he is still on tinder talking to other woman. I actually feel very sad that this happened to her as she is a good person and wonderful mother.

Now she has started talking to someone else she met on the internet and admits if he was closer (lives in the country we are both origanally from) she would be seeing him. Once again this upsets me and I have told her so but she just tell me we are not together any more and I can’t control her.

I joined tinder myself to see what it was about-after she told me about it. I never messaged anyone.When she found out she told me it makes her sad so I deleted it straight away because I do not want her to be upset.

I know we are not together anymore and she can speak to and see whoever she wants but AIBU to be upset and hurt by this.

You’re not unreasonable to be hurt and sad, but as you say, you can both move on with your lives now. How long will you have to continue living together?

She seems to be acting very confusing. If you are broken up then sure, you can bo h go out on tinder if you want and meet new people, but the fact she is ok with herself doing it but not ok with you doing it isn't cool. It should be both ways fair and equal

Thanks for the reply. I think we probably looking at 6 months before I can move out. I’m considering getting a room somewhere to stay but even this is £400 pcm which we really don’t have spare. I don’t want to be running up more dept to cover this.

What lead to the separation?

And yes it will be difficult. Even more so when you are still under the same roof attempting to make life seem 'normal' for the dc.

You say DP so presumably you are not married?

We have both been unhappy for years. TBH I was / am not a nice person short temper and emotionally abusive. This coupled with infidelity on both sides which we confessed to each other and decided to call it quits. So I really don’t deserve any sympathy but as I said I am very sad and upset.

Are you a man or a woman? Not that it matters but it would in so far as understanding the positions of your dc.

I’m a man and not married.

Had you gone to counselling or considered anything else before deciding on breaking up? 13 years is a long time.

Does she work?

6 months is a very long time living in that kind of situation.

And you've just joined MN this evening?

It's interesting she seems to think it is ok for her to date and see other people and have sex but its not ok for you.

She doesn't get to be upset about you moving on when she is doing the same thing herself and didnt stop when you told her it was upsetting you.

Yes just joined this evening but I have been reading the site for a while which is why I have realised I am abusive. I am trying to be a better person- started a course to help with my anger and cut my drinking down. I thought we could try and work through it and suggested counselling but she doesn’t see it working. Personally I think living separately and giving you ach other time/ space will help. I am currently looking if there is a room I can rent.

She works part time around the school hours. I have asked her to work out how much she can contribute to our living expenses. Currently I pay all bills then she buys about half the food and obviously stuff for the kids. Also talked her seeingif she can increase her hours at work- go in 30 minutes early everyday could mean £100 extra a month (I take the kids to school and can continue to do so when I move out). And TBH even asking her these thinks makes me feel like I’m being controlling which I really don’t want to be.

Why does it matter when the OP joined mumsnet? A lot of people read posts for ages and only join when they want to post one for the first time.
I feel for you OP, think you need to try get saving as soon as possible and move out. For what it's worth, I think your ex sounds pretty cruel/selfish. When my ex partner and I seperated, I focused on my son for ages before considering dating. If I had to live in the same house as my ex when we seperated initially, I would be trying my hardest to make it a smooth transisition for the childen not causing conflict and possibly arguments/upset in their home.

Asking her to work more to contribute more when you move out isn't controlling? TBH, some people on mumsnet would consider asking for a chip off a woman's plate emotionally abusive

You really need to separate. As long as you are still under the same roof, you are going to be emotionally confused, both of you, but in a way that is impacting on the other at different stage of your emotional confusion.

Maybe you are not doing so as you are hanging on hoping that she'll change her mind, and that is pushing up on the dating scene to make that point that you are separated, to you and herself. She might be ok with it because you are paying the bills and she's better off financially with you still there. Nothing good is going to come out of this arrangement.

You best chance of a reconciliation is to move out, focus on yourself as a person, so that you can start to love yourself, and then see where it takes you. .It could take you back to her as you become the person she fell in love again, or if it's not meant to be, it will give you a chance to meet someone new and start afresh without making the same mistakes.

Thanks for everyone’s replies. Yes part of me was hoping that we could work things out and stay together but after this weekend it’s clear she does not want that. And emotionally we are very confused. It was for both of us our first and only serious relationship so neither of us has had to deal with a break up let alone one involving kids, limited finances whilst being in a foreign country. We are going to talk tonight and see what else we can do.