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to think my mum should have taken dd to nursery as arranged?

17 replies

amateurmum · 03/05/2007 20:10

My lovely, lovely mum who helps out hugely with childcare had my dd today as I had an extra morning at work.

We had arranged that she would take dd to nursery in the afternoon as this is when she usually attends.

But I got home and mum had not taken her because 'she looked tired and she said she didn't want to go and we were having such a nice time at home'.

I am worried that dd will think that she won't have to go in future if she just says she doesn't want to - also this is not really my mun's decision to make.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 03/05/2007 20:12

She shouldn't strictly speaking have done it, no

but I think it is nice that she wanted to be with your dd, and don't you think your dd will have had a nicer time at home with grandma?

I doubt your dd will think she doesn't have to go next time - only when grandma is there, perhaps


hercules1 · 03/05/2007 20:12

Sorry you are being totally unreasonable.


PanicPants · 03/05/2007 20:13

I kind of agree with you, even though others may think you/we are being ungrateful.

It drives me mad when my mum and dad have ds and make such decisions. I think a lot of it is frustration that I'm not there, and that they've overriden my decisions. It makes you feel irritated and powerless.


LIZS · 03/05/2007 20:14

She should n't have done it without asking you first but I doubt it will set a precedent.


morningpaper · 03/05/2007 20:15

Hmm well yes she SHOULD have but I always think that my mother is going to be a very old lady one day and my children will have to watch her fade away and the more hours of pleasure that they can give each other, the better


FrannyandZooey · 03/05/2007 20:16

I think the thing is though that if you leave someone else in charge of your child for any period of time, they do have to make decisions about your child's welfare and act as they think best

I think we all know your mum kept your dd at home because she wanted to play with her a bit more

but she may well have been tired and said she didn't want to go, and your mum honestly thought it would be better for her to stay at home

I think she was right, really, I bet they had a much nicer time

unless you have specifically said "please on no account ever do X with dd", then you have to trust the person's judgement


amateurmum · 03/05/2007 20:19

Oh, morningpaper, what a thoughtful response.

I do love it that mum has a nice time with dd, frannyandzooey, but I just worried that dd would see this as a get out clause for nursery in the future (she does like it there, I think, but always says she doesn't want to go).

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 03/05/2007 20:20

yes I know what you mean

I think children do know that grandparents and other soft types have different rules to parents though

she may well try it again next time your mum is there, but it doesn't matter if your mum lets her bunk off, does it?


FrannyandZooey · 03/05/2007 20:21

Ds got v upset about nursery yesterday when dp was taking him and so dp decided to let him stay at home

good call, IMO - he skipped in today and had a great time


LadyMacbeth · 03/05/2007 20:24

I do understand your feelings, however if it was a one-off, to me it would have been no big deal.

I think your mother was acting in the best interests of your dd.

I really, personally, would have no issues over a close relative making such decisions... my dds are blessed to have a large and loving family all around them and I quite like to think that their upbringing is moulded by people other than just me and dh.

That said, I do get a bit twitchy when it comes to my own mother's penchant for feeding the dds copious amounts of pudding when they stay for supper! Oh, and I wouldn't tolerate swearing or smacking from another family member as such practices are not carried out at home.


amateurmum · 03/05/2007 20:27

No, I guess not, frannyandzooey.

These responses are really making me consider how I feel about my mum looking after dd though.

As I said, she is a truly fantastic grandparent and dd asks constantly when she is going to see her. Maybe I wish she had that much fun with me - I always feel very tied up with the practicalities of 3 children and job and away from home husband.

I know this makes me a very selfish parent as I should just be grateful dd is having a great time with a super carer but actually I feel a bit jealous.

OP posts:

fannyannie · 03/05/2007 20:32

amateurmum - I don't know what your relationship with your grandparents/aunts etc was like - but if it was good I bet your mum felt exactly the same way as you do now that it appears they have 'more fun' with them than with you....its a mums lot in life I think when we've got good family support.


amateurmum · 03/05/2007 20:39

fannyannie - we lived a long way away from grandparents when I was a child.

Now, partly through chance and partly through choice, we have moved to live very close to my parents, who take a very active role in my children' lives.

Ladymacbeth, it is good to feel that my children have other positive adults in their lives but I worry that they will prefer confiding in my parents.

Sorry, this thread has now gone somewhat
off topic - I think that this afternoon's event rather made me feel concerned for more reasons than I realised/admitted at the time.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 03/05/2007 21:24

Amateurmum I think that says more about your relationship with your dd though, than about your mum's strategies

(that sounds bitchy but is not meant to be, I just can't think of a better way to rephrase it)

I feel the same way about dp when I am having a crap time with ds - "Oh it is easy for dp to be all patient and marvellous all the time"

well, yes, it is

but having two of us tired and cross wouldn't really help my ds more, would it

I don't think you sound selfish at all, just normal, but you do sound a bit stressed and as if you could do with more time to relax and enjoy your dd


FiveFingeredFiend · 03/05/2007 21:25

i think you are, they had a nice day.


kslatts · 03/05/2007 22:27

My mum is a childminder and has my dd's before and after school. I trust her completely to make decisions, dd2 wasn't feeling great one morning after I had left for work and mum decided not to send her to school, she rang me after school had started to let me know, I didn't mind at all, she's there at the time and I'm not I feel it's her call.


Manictigger · 04/05/2007 12:45

Must admit I don't really understand why you'd agreed for dd to go to nursery if a) gm was going to be there anyway b) dd loves spending time with gm c) gm loves spending time with dd (gm isn't a reknowned acronym is it? Oh well) I think given the choice I'd rather my child spent an afternoon with my mum than at nursery especially if it's only a one off.

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