WWYD- Lending money

[jacks11]

I torn- I feel like if I do then I'm being taken for a mug (and perhaps creating a rod for my own back), if I don't then it will have significant negative impact on DB/SIL and their DC.

For background: I don't have a good relationship with DB and SIL. Complex, but they do have a history of piss-taking (to quite breathtaking levels at time). They have 3 DC. DB works but not well paid, SIL hasn't worked for around 3 years- but has been attending college this year on a course with a view to go onto further qualifications (IF she completes this year).

As part of her funding, SIL gets some of her nursery fees paid for their youngest DC whilst she is at college (elder 2 at school). They have received a bill for this months fees- the college have refused to pay their part as her attendance has been so poor (as is in their conditions). Her absence has not been due to illness, from what I can gather. I'm actually not sure what she has been doing when her DC has been at nursery, not that it's any of my business.

DB did not know she was not attending college apparently- but they have called asking for me to lend the money (several £100's) as if they don't pay, the nursery will not take their DC until the outstanding is paid. They don't have the money, and won't have it any time soon. Without childcare SIL will not be able to continue college.

As I said, I don't have a good relationship with DB or SIL. They have behaved badly in the past. Including not paying back money lent to them previously. This has happened on more than one occasion- so more fool me for not learning the first time, I suppose. On the last occasion, I had reminded them several times- always vague promised but nothing forthcoming, so I gave one last reminder and said I wouldn't be constantly hounding them but if I wasn't repaid then I would not lend them anything in the future. And I have stuck to that to date.

I can easily afford to give them the money, that isn't an issue. I would feel like a mug. I also think this would lead to never ending requests for money- they are both terrible with money.

OTOH, if SIL were to complete the course and did get onto the training course then she would have the opportunity of better paid job with some security- clearly a benefit to their DC.

I have said no, but I'm now getting lots of messages from both of them. There is (small) part of me that feels like I should help, given that I can and given the stakes are quite high.

OTOH, I feel like if I give in now when I've previously said I would never lend money again, then I'm being a mug. I think they're reaping what they've sown as they have taken the piss quite a lot, meaning I don't feel especially inclined to help. Even more so as I think this will then trigger lots of requests for money- no doubt all will be "essentials" because they have spent money on the "non-essentials" on the premise that they will be bailed out. This is what happened in the past (e.g. needing for money for school uniform shoes as SIL had splurged on hair straighteners and haircut in a nice salon, for instance- this was several years ago). In addition, I feel like SIL got herself into this situation by her own stupidity and laziness, so perhaps it's a good thing that she feels the consequences of her own actions.

WWYD? I do feel mean, but on the other hand I don't feel I owe them anything given their previous behaviour. And if I give in this time, where will it end? There will always be another "emergency" or a "disaster' with potentially serious consequences if I don't give them money.

[FlouncyDoves]

Good for you OP. Any more begging or berating would result in a simple ‘fuck off’ and going NC for me.

[Helsingborg]

Just reply saying that if they both knew that they'd have to pay the fees due to poor attend then your sil should have gone to college. No point in paying if she's going to miss college again is there?

[Phillipa12]

I would be seriously tempted to reply to my brother "there is no need for thanks, and your now current situation is entirely your wifes fault and not mine. I have helped you with money in the past and told you that i would not continue, i will not be guilt tripped into paying anymore of your outstanding bills just because i am in a better position financially, do not ask again!" Seriously cheeky...

[Fengshui]

Good for you for standing your ground.

[Frequency]

IDK if the college would be obliged to help if it was genuine. I know on ours, with transport fees, they don't but it is rolling, so if you miss enough college to lose your transport allowance one month, it restarts the next month. We don't have a college nursery. Some students do use a private nursery and appear to still use it even when their attendance has been low but I've never asked them who pays (whether it is the college or tax credits/UC).

I wasn't implying she was genuine, I was just wondering if you'd maybe feel differently about helping if it turned out SIL only missed a few sessions. I'm not in any way saying you should help if that's case, that's up to you and I can fully understand why you wouldn't want to if this is not the first time they've tried something like this.

[ifanciedanamechange]

Don't lend it. She didn't attend knowing the consequences and now she's paying for them.

[RedWineAllMine]

I wouldn't lend them the money, they will never learn to manage their finances if you do and this will be a regular occurrence. It's not your problem. Learn from the past.

[SersioulycanitgetWORSE]

Op I think it's good you Strood up to them, on this occasion I would have leant the the money or given it but got a them to sign something to say, I leant you money last time and said not again, your asking again so this times its in writing... The very last time and these are the circumstances you accept this money...

[AgnesBrownsCat]

Don’t lend her money . It can’t fix stupidity.

[Earlyup]

Her absence has not been due to illness, from what I can gather. I'm actually not sure what she has been doing when her DC has been at nursery, not that it's any of my business.

Sounds to me like they've made it your business by asking you for the money - but you are completely within your rights to refuse; give in and there will just be something else in the future. I do feel sorry for DC though.

The funding setup is entirely feasible and presumably her absences are 'unauthorised' I.e. have no justifiable explanation.

[AutumnalTed]

You did the right thing!
Hopefully she learns a lesson.

[CoffeeOrSleep]

oh I'd text your brother/SIL back with something like "It's not my fault [SIL] didn't go to college." keep reminding them the person who caused this is SIL, not you for not paying out to fix it.

Be sure to tell your parents what has happened, including that you think it's pointless paying out to sort this as SIL won't pass her course if she doesn't turn up anyway, so if DB and SIL ask them for the money, they won't fall for the 'this will help SIL get a better job' lie.

It won't, she'll still fail. It'll all be someone else's fault. Signing up for a course is not the same as passing it. They are not obliged to give her the qualification at the end of it, so the whole thing will have been a huge waste of time if she's not bothered studying.

[Littlemissdaredevil]

Don’t lend the money. They have brought this on themselves. They will probably ignore you to ‘punish’ you but come crawling back when they want more money and/or child care

I have a relative like this. I never tell them anything nice I am doing and or post it on social media as the demands for money start. Make sure you frequently moan about how expensive your MOT is/how big you electricity bill/how your washing machine is on the blink, etc

[Fengshui]

Littlemiss one of my aunts demands money also, so i never put anything on social media either so I get where you are coming from 100%. She has guilt tripped my mother into giving her handouts over the years (because my mother apparently had good fortune handed to her on a plate... like training as a nurse and working her arse off doing night shifts and extra hours at weekend was having it handed to her on a plate... while my aunt is genuinely a lazy fucking bugger who thinks working for a living is for mugs). Then when I got married and a job she started in on me - sent me begging letters etc then got nasty when I said no.

More powerto you, OP. People like these need to learn a lesson the hard way. Everyone else has to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for themselves ffs.

[Littlemissdaredevil]

I learnt about not putting anything on social media after my CF threw a strop after I went out for my birthday and spent £20 on a night out (saw pic on social media). Apparently, I should have not gone out for my birthday and have him every spare penny I had.

I work 50/60 hours a week, he sits on his lazy arse and had scammed £10k off me over the years. He then had the cheek to tell me my house was small and that I should have bought a house when I was younger (how could I when I had two CF’s sucking me dry!)

Put it is this way OP. If you fell on hard times I guarantee they would never help you out.

[mothertruck3r]

How would she complete the course if she isn't attending? And if she isn't attending, she can look after her own kids.

This ^

Why would she need money to pay for a nursery place for a child for a course she is not attending. If she is not attending college, she can look after her own child. You would just end up paying for her child to attend nursery so she can do whatever she wants with her "free" time.

[jacks11]

Thanks all.

Yes, I've had a few snotty messages. From experience I won't hear anything for a while. I spoke to my mum- they've asked her for money, but she'd already said no too. For similar reasons.

As I said, I've no doubt SIL will never accept responsibility for what happens and DB will never challenge that. But it's their problem. I don't see them often and we aren't close, so it's not a huge blow.

[diodati]

Any money you lend should be considered as money you're giving away, unless you're a financial institution. It's like gambling.

[snewsname]

It is their problem. You are right. A problem of their own making.

[Maemae06]

They could get a pay day loan and pay off weekly. If they are serious about this college course and future work they will make sure the loan is repaid. I know your intentions are good but by keep bailing people like this out they never learn. You would be making them more responsible adults by letting them handle this themselves.

[MyPuppyIsADick]

I work in FE and the College definitely will withhold childcare funding for poor attendance, but it’s the nursery’s decision to now allow the DC to attend. Students should also have an allocated number of self certs to use per term to cover absences - they’re not expected to have 100% attendance.

[MyPuppyIsADick]

*not allow

[MyPuppyIsADick]

Where I work they have 5 per term - so SIL could well have missed more than a week of College. The OP shouldn’t have to pay for SIL being lazy.