WWYD- Lending money

[jacks11]

I torn- I feel like if I do then I'm being taken for a mug (and perhaps creating a rod for my own back), if I don't then it will have significant negative impact on DB/SIL and their DC.

For background: I don't have a good relationship with DB and SIL. Complex, but they do have a history of piss-taking (to quite breathtaking levels at time). They have 3 DC. DB works but not well paid, SIL hasn't worked for around 3 years- but has been attending college this year on a course with a view to go onto further qualifications (IF she completes this year).

As part of her funding, SIL gets some of her nursery fees paid for their youngest DC whilst she is at college (elder 2 at school). They have received a bill for this months fees- the college have refused to pay their part as her attendance has been so poor (as is in their conditions). Her absence has not been due to illness, from what I can gather. I'm actually not sure what she has been doing when her DC has been at nursery, not that it's any of my business.

DB did not know she was not attending college apparently- but they have called asking for me to lend the money (several £100's) as if they don't pay, the nursery will not take their DC until the outstanding is paid. They don't have the money, and won't have it any time soon. Without childcare SIL will not be able to continue college.

As I said, I don't have a good relationship with DB or SIL. They have behaved badly in the past. Including not paying back money lent to them previously. This has happened on more than one occasion- so more fool me for not learning the first time, I suppose. On the last occasion, I had reminded them several times- always vague promised but nothing forthcoming, so I gave one last reminder and said I wouldn't be constantly hounding them but if I wasn't repaid then I would not lend them anything in the future. And I have stuck to that to date.

I can easily afford to give them the money, that isn't an issue. I would feel like a mug. I also think this would lead to never ending requests for money- they are both terrible with money.

OTOH, if SIL were to complete the course and did get onto the training course then she would have the opportunity of better paid job with some security- clearly a benefit to their DC.

I have said no, but I'm now getting lots of messages from both of them. There is (small) part of me that feels like I should help, given that I can and given the stakes are quite high.

OTOH, I feel like if I give in now when I've previously said I would never lend money again, then I'm being a mug. I think they're reaping what they've sown as they have taken the piss quite a lot, meaning I don't feel especially inclined to help. Even more so as I think this will then trigger lots of requests for money- no doubt all will be "essentials" because they have spent money on the "non-essentials" on the premise that they will be bailed out. This is what happened in the past (e.g. needing for money for school uniform shoes as SIL had splurged on hair straighteners and haircut in a nice salon, for instance- this was several years ago). In addition, I feel like SIL got herself into this situation by her own stupidity and laziness, so perhaps it's a good thing that she feels the consequences of her own actions.

WWYD? I do feel mean, but on the other hand I don't feel I owe them anything given their previous behaviour. And if I give in this time, where will it end? There will always be another "emergency" or a "disaster' with potentially serious consequences if I don't give them money.

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

Stick to your guns, she should've thought of her family and future prospects when bunking off!

[Bluelady]

I wouldn't. She's got nobody but herself to blame for being in this situation.

[Thebluedog]

I wouldn’t. Your SIL is to blame for not attending her course. If it was due to illness, or something outside her control, then maybe I’d think about it. If they hadn’t not paid you back for previous lending, then I’d think about it, if I had a good relationship with them, I’d think about it... but no, the answer is no to every point. People like that will either take the piss if you say yes, or blame you if you say no. You’re onto a losing battle either way. So save your money.

[Rainbowqueeen]

I wouldn't pay. If she had a good reason for missing so much college, she would have told you. Or the college and they could have come to some agreement. It's just another example of piss taking from them.

Their lives, their problem.

[TheClacksAreDown]

I wouldn’t give them the money and I wouldn’t feel at all bad about it.

[Andrewofgg]

No, just no, don't do it. I think you know really. Just say no and mean it.

[KC225]

Do not lend her the money. You are not responsible for their finances. They made their choice when they decided NOT to pay you back last time.

They need to sort this out with the nursery - paying it off - trying to appeal to the college for the funds.

Don't let them emotionally blackmail you. Be strong OP

[somewhereovertherain]

No don’t do it. You’ll never get it back and they’ll come back for more

If for any mad reason you do. You have to accept you’re unlikely to get it back.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Look, if the OP asks her SIL why she wasn't attending college, she'll come up with all sorts of reasons, none of them true.

I used to work in a college and it's because of women like this SIL that the rules have to be so strict. People take the piss. They think there are no consequences to their actions. They think people will believe the crap they're told. They think they'll always be bailed out.

[Allthewaves]

Do not lend and do not pay the fees. She hasn't explained why she didn't attend. They are adults. They need to sort it themselves

[coffeemugged]

Please don't pay this money.

If they'd laid you back from last time then maybe it'd be different but they haven't and they're taking the piss.

Stick to your guns.

[WineGummyBear]

I read the situation as follows:

She wants to go to college and the college pay for her childcare in order for her to go.

If the college withdraw the funding for her childcare it's not because she's been poorly/unfortunate. It's because she hasn't been able to convince them that she's been poorly/unfortunate. Eg her attendance has been unreliable to the point where they don't accept that it's illness related. The view of the college is supported by the fact that your brother didn't know she was missing college. (Who is too ill to attend college but neglects to tell their partner?).

You could pay the childcare bill, but it's not going to make them financially responsible now or ever. By the sounds of it she's already ditched her course.

YANBU

[APontypandyPioneer]

It would be a no from me. I probably would be more sympathetic if there was a genuine reason why she hadn't been going to college such as illness, bereavement and so on. But as there seems to be no reason, not able to repay what was borrowed before I would say no.

[jacks11]

My understanding is that she is attending some of the time- the childcare element is linked to a certain level of attendance and if you fall below that level, they will not pay the fees that month. If you rectify it and attendance improves, then the college will resume payments that month.

I have no idea how she is performing in assessments. I assume it has only been this month. SIL says she wasn't aware it was in the conditions. DB says she must have been because he has seen an email warning her that her attendance was close to that where the childcare funding would be cut off for that month (this email came to light when the nursery called to say they were owed money, according to DB). DB and SIL have had a big row about this according to DB. He does sound cross with her, to be fair.

[Sierra259]

Don't do it. Their behaviour won't change unless they're made to feel the consequences of their actions. If your SIL can't even be arsed to go to college to do the qualification, what on earth makes you think she will be bothered to get a job (and keep it!) afterwards? They are relying on your kindness to make up for their bad decisions.

[selftitledalbum]

You sound like a nice person.
Don’t lend them it. They’ll abuse your trust and make you bitter.

[Leeds2]

Don't do it. She had her chance when the college gave her warning that she was about to fall foul of their attendance regulations. Her attendance won't improve, and they won't pay you back.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

He's cross with her now. If there are no consequences (you bail them out) then he'll forget all about it.

If she was just under the attendance limit, the college would be likely to try to make it work for her, but I reckon there will be regular days (eg only a two hour class on a Wednesday, so don't bother going) that she's missing.

Look at the responses here, OP. Only about two people think you should pay.

[jacks11]

Oh, I know if I were to bail them out it would not be a loan as they would not repay it (whatever they say right now).

I think you are all right. They got themselves into this mess, they can work out a way out of it. If they can't, well SIL will just have to leave her course and get a job. I feel sorry for their DC, mostly.

[icelollycraving]

So she had a warning and still didn’t attend?
No, absolutely not.

[sonjadog]

Although you would be absolutely justified to say no and you shouldn't feel guilty about that at all, I think in this situation I would have trouble sticking by it. It is just this month, right? In that case, I would pay it directly to the nursery, and tell them that this is absolutely the last help they will get and if the same or similar happens again, they are on their own.

[LIZS]

She will have had more than one opportunity to avoid this situation, either to explain her absence or catch up. To pass a course, assuming it is accreditted , attendance needs to be something like 80% otherwise any funding for the college from the government cannot be claimed. Usually it takes a while before the stats catch up with those monitoring funding though so this could even be from before Christmas.

[Rodgerrabbit29]

This is the kind of thread where everyone says don't pay but he OP pays. Then the situation repeats whenever CFs feel like it.

[jacks11]

icelolly

Yes, but this is common for SIL- she does tend to bury her head in the sand when something goes wrong and thinks it will magically sort itself out. She did this with debt in the past.

I think others are right- of it was borderline, I think the college would try and work something out. I don't know what her attendance dropped to or if she is struggling with the coursework etc.

[EllieMe]

Please don't. They will never stop. SiL won't complete the course, she isn't interested.

Say no now or it will never end. Where is their pride and dignity? Awful people.