WWYD- Lending money

[jacks11]

I torn- I feel like if I do then I'm being taken for a mug (and perhaps creating a rod for my own back), if I don't then it will have significant negative impact on DB/SIL and their DC.

For background: I don't have a good relationship with DB and SIL. Complex, but they do have a history of piss-taking (to quite breathtaking levels at time). They have 3 DC. DB works but not well paid, SIL hasn't worked for around 3 years- but has been attending college this year on a course with a view to go onto further qualifications (IF she completes this year).

As part of her funding, SIL gets some of her nursery fees paid for their youngest DC whilst she is at college (elder 2 at school). They have received a bill for this months fees- the college have refused to pay their part as her attendance has been so poor (as is in their conditions). Her absence has not been due to illness, from what I can gather. I'm actually not sure what she has been doing when her DC has been at nursery, not that it's any of my business.

DB did not know she was not attending college apparently- but they have called asking for me to lend the money (several £100's) as if they don't pay, the nursery will not take their DC until the outstanding is paid. They don't have the money, and won't have it any time soon. Without childcare SIL will not be able to continue college.

As I said, I don't have a good relationship with DB or SIL. They have behaved badly in the past. Including not paying back money lent to them previously. This has happened on more than one occasion- so more fool me for not learning the first time, I suppose. On the last occasion, I had reminded them several times- always vague promised but nothing forthcoming, so I gave one last reminder and said I wouldn't be constantly hounding them but if I wasn't repaid then I would not lend them anything in the future. And I have stuck to that to date.

I can easily afford to give them the money, that isn't an issue. I would feel like a mug. I also think this would lead to never ending requests for money- they are both terrible with money.

OTOH, if SIL were to complete the course and did get onto the training course then she would have the opportunity of better paid job with some security- clearly a benefit to their DC.

I have said no, but I'm now getting lots of messages from both of them. There is (small) part of me that feels like I should help, given that I can and given the stakes are quite high.

OTOH, I feel like if I give in now when I've previously said I would never lend money again, then I'm being a mug. I think they're reaping what they've sown as they have taken the piss quite a lot, meaning I don't feel especially inclined to help. Even more so as I think this will then trigger lots of requests for money- no doubt all will be "essentials" because they have spent money on the "non-essentials" on the premise that they will be bailed out. This is what happened in the past (e.g. needing for money for school uniform shoes as SIL had splurged on hair straighteners and haircut in a nice salon, for instance- this was several years ago). In addition, I feel like SIL got herself into this situation by her own stupidity and laziness, so perhaps it's a good thing that she feels the consequences of her own actions.

WWYD? I do feel mean, but on the other hand I don't feel I owe them anything given their previous behaviour. And if I give in this time, where will it end? There will always be another "emergency" or a "disaster' with potentially serious consequences if I don't give them money.

[PotteryLady]

If she's not attending she won't pass - it appears she's not bothered anyway. Don't lend it to them - they need to learn. Harsh but true.

[jay55]

She’s not going to pass if she doesn’t attend.

[LuckyLuckyWoman]

I wouldn't lend pay this money.

I don't think it will resolve their situation and you will just feel used once more

Their problem, they need to sort it themselves

[Fengshui]

YOU DB and SIL were in an extraordinarily fortunate position that the college even paid any childcare- wish mine had when I went back to uni to retrain. They are also very lucky that they have family who have a history of bailing them out, even though they don't pay back, and they don't seem to treat you with the respect you deserve.

Don't pay. They have a history of pisstaking and just expect that you will bail them out in the past and forever more. Chickens. Home Roost comes to mind.

[chocolateworshipper]

TBH, as soon as I got to the bit about them not paying back money you'd lent them in the past, my answer was a simple NO

[Helsingborg]

Advise them to sell stuff to raise cash as you don't have any spare money to waste.

[icelollycraving]

To think of it another way. If she can’t be arsed to go to her course when childcare is subsidised, why would she be bothered to go to work where she will need to pay for childcare?

[rothbury]

No way.

Agree with PP they will have to sell something to pay the money or SIL will have to get a job (gasp!!!)

[NeganLovesLucille]

OP you say that if you pay the bill, your SIL will be able to complete this course, start a further course and eventually get a better paid job. I think that if she cannot even manage to attend this first course consistently, will she carry on through all the other stages?

[Rafflesway]

Jacks you would be better off going outside and literally throwing hundreds of pounds down the drain because that is exactly what you will be doing if you pay this.

Your SIL is a lazy cow! If you pay this I guarantee she will just go to college when she feels like it, attendance won't improve and she won't pass the course exams.

Sorry but it won't make a scrap of difference to the DC. The only one losing out will be you.😡. Bitter voice of experience as you can probably tell

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

It sounds as though a job would be better for her as if she didn't turn up she wouldn't get paid, and if she continued with that she'd be fired.

I noticed in college that people either did full time, went to every lesson etc or did that for a week, then didn't go in one afternoon, and then it all collapsed. This is a very common time of year to just stop. There's quite a long break over Christmas and it's hard for a lazy student to get used to going back full time.

[SD1978]

There is no reason for her non attendance. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know she will never finish the course. If you want to give them the money- that’s your decision. You will never see it again. If you can afford to gift it, and you want to, that’s your choice. SIL will never finish this course and get a job, it depends on how important you see nursery- and also that the child will
Probably be pulled out anyway when she fails to attend next semester.

[Deadsouls]

Don’t lend any money unless you’re prepared not to get it back. Basically if you’re prepared to give it to them.
IMO don’t lend them the money because you feel a sense of responsibility toward them. It does sound as if you could be viewed as a bottomless money pit.

[cochineal7]

Going against the grain: I think I would pay nursery directly, and do it for the DC. As a gift. You already know it will never be paid back, so you might as well forego the whole pretence of a loan.

[Fluffycloudland77]

No I wouldn’t, she does this because someone always bails them out.

No ones going to believe her anyway if she says she couldn’t finish her course due to you not paying her nursery bill.

[ichbineinstasumer]

as pps have said, she is not interested in the course, and unlikely to pass. So it sounds as if she has lost motivation for whatever career the course is aiming towards and that means she is unlikely to get or keep a job in that field even if she passes the course. So I think you would be a mug to bail her out - you want to help her find stability in her life, but she needs to find her own strength to do this. She is behaving like a child truanting from school.

[honeyrider]

No you shouldn't give them the money, they just think they can brow beat you into giving them more money. How many chances do they honestly expect? You know in your heart that they will not repay it, they haven't in the past.

Just remember "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" is very apt in your position.

[eggsandwich]

Absolutely do not lend them money, in fact it’s not really lending it’s giving as they will have no intention of repaying you as they have previously done, it’s there problem you have warned then before that you will not be lending/giving any more money stick to your word.

[Appuskidu]

She sounds a nightmare. Her attendance or lack of, is not your responsibility. I wouldn’t pay.

[gamerchick]

Tell them to repay immediately the x amount they owe and you’ll think about it.

Impossible but if you say it in response to every message they’ll give up. Don’t say anything else.

You’ll be a mug if you give in.... and they know you will if they bang in enough like every other parasite in existence.

[Mreva]

If they were not related, you wouldn't be asking this question, would you? Please listen to your head. Do not give them the money!

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Even if you pay the debt it doesn’t mean she will get her qualification. She must have missed a substantial part of her course anyway.

I’d refusr.

If you want to be helpful I would buy the kids winter coats/school shoes etc on occasion

Don’t enable their behaviour otherwise you truly are not helping them in the long run

[TheDogHasEatenIt]

It does sound like a really horrid position to be in, knowing that you could afford to bail them out, but i would remind myself that there are MANY, MANY people that manage their lives without having someone to bail them out and speaking as one of those people, it gives me a huge sense of pride that everything i have achieved, i have done so myself, and perhaps by continually helping them out, you are in fact, denying them the chance to make it in their own.

[TheDogHasEatenIt]

Ooh, i like Quitelikely's idea of buying the children's essentials (shoes, coats etc) as the occasion arises.