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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother’s Day AIBU?

26 replies

Flowersandbirds · 25/02/2018 18:46

So Mother’s Day. DH and I argue about it every year. Of the 5 since I became a mother, I’ve spent 4 of them with my MIL.

Reached a head today when DH said he was going to invite his mother for the weekend (we are already going out for lunch with her on the Sunday). I said that I was hoping to do something just us on the Saturday and that I didn’t really want to spend the day sorting beds and catering for his mother. He replied that my treat is going out for lunch with his mother and extended family on the Sunday. AIBU to be miffed? It’s really not how I would choose to spend the day.

Probably a bit more sensitive over the importance of the day due to a four year battle with fertility issues and consequent heartbreak..

OP posts:
GuntyMcGee · 25/02/2018 18:47

Have you pointed out to him that you are a mother too and deserve an actual treat, just for you?

Whisky2014 · 25/02/2018 18:47

Yanbu! Tell him it's not ok

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 18:49

Gah this is a difficult one. I guess his first responsibility on mothers' day is to HIS mother. But given that your DC isn't really old enough to sort out anything for themself he also needs to be helping them make arrangements for their mother (ie you)

Do you have a mother? What happens with her if you do?

ChristmasCakes · 25/02/2018 18:49

I'm not really into Mother's Day but fuck that, he's being a dickhead.

JediStoleMyBike · 25/02/2018 18:50

Tell him that actually, your treat is to go and stay in a hotel and be waited on with your kids. He can treat his mum to a meal out and deal with all the household duties that come with her staying. Happy days.
What a wanker. YANBU to be upset. No way in hell I'd spend the day running around after MIL.

Idontdowindows · 25/02/2018 18:53

Nononononononononono, YOUR treat is NOT waiting on your MIL, no matter if she is his mother or not.

He is being ridiculous. He needs to spend Mother's Day representing your children and then later on you can go and drop off a card and flowers at MIL and if you really fancy it take her out for a meal.

MyNewBearTotoro · 25/02/2018 18:53

I think YAB a bit U - it’s understandable if he wants to spend Mother’s Day with his mother.

That said, if he’s inviting his mother to stay it should be him who is sorting beds and doing the catering. Also, it would be totally reasonable if you wanted to spend a nice day doing something with your DC on Sunday and not spend the day with MIL.

DancesWithOtters · 25/02/2018 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:03

BTW when I said it was a difficult one I was referring to the lunch. That didn't mean I thought you should do all the labour for his mum's visit if she comes. That's up to him, not just because it's Mothers' Day but because he invited her.

user1493413286 · 25/02/2018 19:09

Tell him to do all the arranging for his Mum to visit! It’s nice that he wants to see his mum but she’s had a lot of decades as a Mum and it’s your turn now.
I’ve suggested lunch out to DP on Mother’s Day and haven’t mentioned seeing either of our mothers as I’m quietly hoping he won’t think of it/will get the hint that I haven’t invited them

FaFoutis · 25/02/2018 19:12

Bollocks to that. You are the one doing the most mothering so you get to choose what you do.
Did your MIL spend all her mothers days with her MIL?

OutyMcOutface · 25/02/2018 19:12

YANBU. Tell him that if he wants his mother to stay that he can deal with her/the bedding etc. himself. And don't forget to mention hat going out with his family isn't a treat.

Bluelady · 25/02/2018 19:18

So your mothers' day treat is to do all the hard work preparing for house guests and cleaning up after they've gone home. Lucky you, OP. Has your DH actually got a functioning brain?

Nicpem1982 · 25/02/2018 19:20

Op- we have a family day for both mothers and fathers day where its an open invite, it's not everyone's cup of tea though.

For example last mothers day my dn (4) had not long lost her mum so we went to a tourist attraction and had fish and chips for lunch sat by the canal with us bil and ils it was lovely to spend time as a family

Fathers day we did a big nature day we pond dipped, build dens and rolled down hills then had a massive picnic where each family group contributed that was with bil, ils and some friends as his wife was on shift it was huge fun

Otoh, mine and dhs birthdays are for us we go out as a 3 and have a quality day

I suppose what I'm getting at is that the day is yes celebrating being a mum but you can do that at any time not just mothers day

MrsMozart · 25/02/2018 19:25

Not okay. I ship DH off (or he ships himself) and I do what I want for the day. If DDs are around (university students) then they arrange something, and if not then I find my own entertainment.

Strawberry2017 · 25/02/2018 19:28

I wouldn't want to spend my Mother's Day with my MIL,this year is my 1st one and it's also my husbands birthday.
We are spending the day just the 3 of us and the furbaby.
He needs to remember you are the mother of his child and you deserve to be spoilt.
If I was you I'd book something for myself and leave them to it.
It's selfish and I think it's quite selfish of your MIL too, surely she must understand it's a day about you too.

GrannyGrissle · 25/02/2018 19:41

Sod that! Leave DH to run around after Mummy and book yourself a night or two at a hotel.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/02/2018 19:42

Oh dear, unfortunately you are married to a twat-really sorry about that.
Personally I'd tell him he was more than welcome to spend the weekend with his mum then I'd book myself into a nice hotel fri-mon & have the weekend off, fuck him.

happy2bhomely · 25/02/2018 19:43

YANBU.

In our house, DH and the dc make a fuss of me in the morning. I get coffee, breakfast, cards, drawings etc in bed. I have a lazy morning while DH tidies around us. I get up and get ready in peace while he entertains the dc.

Then I go to my mum's and take her a card and flowers and we do something like lunch or shopping. We might visit my Nan too. DH keeps the dc. He usually goes and sees his mum. He will take flowers and a card. He will have a cup of coffee and a chat etc.

Then we meet back at home for a special dinner. DH is on tea duty all evening and usually pulls out a surprise chocolate treat.

When it's Fathers day we switch, but DH has no contact with his Dad, so I go and see my Dad in the evening. DH doesn't mind at all.

Can't you split the day? I have to really push DH to go and see his mum because they aren't that close but I've told him that I want our dc to see him doing that for his mum so they know it's normal! I wouldn't be happy if he disappeared all day but I think it's fair that he sees his mum for the afternoon. She is not less of a mum to him just because I have had children. This year I will be visiting her with him because she has just lost her own mum and I think it will be a difficult day for her.

It's not like a birthday where you can be the birthday girl and choose how to spend your special day. To me, it is a day that has to be shared. I would hope that his mum would encourage him to do something lovely for you too. My MIL always gets me and my SIL a little something for Mothers day.

rothbury · 25/02/2018 19:49

YANBU

Tell him he can do whatever he likes with MIL but you are taking DC and visiting X family member/Y city/Z attraction.

Xocaraic · 25/02/2018 19:50

We live quite a distance from my mother and MIL. So, we 'do' Mother's Day for the Grandmothers either day before, or week before. Would that work in your case for MIL?
I don't like going out for Mother's Day. My ideal day is one where every meal is planned, prepared, served up and cleaned up by a person who is not me. I don't ask for or expect gifts...

pimlicolife · 25/02/2018 19:54

He's being a dick. I wouldn't put up with that.

Catinthebath · 25/02/2018 20:01

I’d be grateful for the continued presence of the older generation and just celebrate as an inclusive family day

Nicpem1982 · 25/02/2018 20:05

I’d be grateful for the continued presence of the older generation and just celebrate as an inclusive family day

^^this

Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 20:11

It isn't an issue for me because my MIL lives a long way from us and my DM is mostly in Africa for her charity project at that time of year. My DH sends a card to his DM, which our DDs and I dutifully sign, and that's the end of it. The DDs do cards for me, which is lovely, and they like to buy me flowers too. Last year I actually had breakfast in bed. Smile

In your case, OP, I think you do need to stand up for yourself. It shouldn't be all your DH's way, that's not right. If he wants his DM to stay, he should do all the work involved, making beds and extra work catering. It shouldn't all fall on you.