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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to message depressed BIL?

12 replies

BillySmut56 · 25/02/2018 18:02

This is bound to be ridiculously long for relatively quite a small query.

Just back from a weekend visiting the ILs. BIL (DH's brother) is 30, still living at home, and depressed. He takes antidepressants, has done for years, but still suffers quite severely from time to time. I really, really feel for BIL who is absolutely lovely, the nicest guy in the world. I had/have depression too so I know roughly how BIL is feeling right now. BIL and I have a close relationship, but we don't text or message as we've never had the need to before. I want to reach out to him now.

However, one of reasons BIL feels as he does (I know this because he's very open about it) is that he's upset/a bit jealous that DH and his other siblings are all either happily married with kids or leading exciting lives (other BIL is travelling). I know he's happy for DH but he's also sad that he hasn't got the sort of life he perceives DH has. I'm sure we all know that marriage isn't always rosy that, but BIL can't seem to see it like that.

So knowing that BIL is feeling a bit wobbly partly because DH and his other siblings are enjoying all the things he doesn't have, and he's probably spent the whole weekend feeling that he's had his nose rubbed in that, would I be unreasonable to message him? I just want to say something like 'hope you're ok, I'm here if you want to chat' but I don't want to draw attention to it or make him focus on it. Shall I message him or just leave him alone?

OP posts:

Dilligaf81 · 25/02/2018 18:03

I think it's a lovely idea and as he is open about his depression and the reasons why then no harm to be done.

Dilligaf81 · 25/02/2018 18:05

Just to add I messaged my bil when he's long term relationship ended to offer a chat if he needed one and somewhere to bring his daughter when he had her. He greatly appreciated it and I know my dh wouldn't have thought to have offered the same, he would have just expected bil to ask if that's what he wanted.

mumgointhroughtorture · 25/02/2018 18:06

No I would stay away from the situation. He could cause trouble in your marriage if he's jealous . He obviously wants what your DH his DB has and it might feel like you reaching out to him is a bit like rubbing salt in the wound.

He might also take it in a way it's not intended and before you know it will have to have a conversation about you just trying to help him . Just keep it neutral and maybe say what you want to within ear shot of your DH .

WonderfullySunny · 25/02/2018 18:09

Would be a really nice thing to do I think, people often ignore this and it's one of life's bittersweet challenges. I'm sure he's happy for your DH but of course it makes him realise what he doesn't have, makes you focus all the more on what you don't have.

Is he the youngest in the family? Any kind of favouritism that you've seen? You said you get on well If you live fairly close could you suggest doing something outside away from staying indoors with ILs?

Loz604 · 25/02/2018 18:09

Does he have sisters? Having a female perspective is a great thing- I find girls much more open to talk about feelings. Leave the offer there- if he wants to great- if not that’s as much involvement that is needed.

Timeforabiscuit · 25/02/2018 18:12

I think messaging would be great, far worse to steer clear and make him some kind of social pariah.

Original poster

BillySmut56 · 25/02/2018 18:19

Thanks everyone. No, BIL isn't the youngest. He's the second oldest, which is at least part of the issue. DH is younger than him which definitely isn't helping with him feeling that he's not having the life he feels he should be. Absolutely no favouritism is at play within the family. I genuinely love my ILs and this isn't one of those threads

He does have a sister, but she is significantly outnumbered by boys and perhaps a bit preoccupied with her own stresses at the moment to fully realise how BIL is. As far as I'm aware the conversations about his mental state happened well out of her ear shot anyway. DH thinks BIL is just being BIL, and maybe he is, he's his brother after all, he no doubt knows him better than I do. But I do think BIL is in quite a lot of pain at the moment. Unfortunately ILs live 3 hours away, we see them every 3 months or so, so no real option to get BIL out of the house and doing things.

OP posts:

MrsDilber · 25/02/2018 18:25

I'd reach out face to face rather than texting.

It's hard to get your intentions across by text and it can cause problems.

RitasEducation · 25/02/2018 18:36

I think a text is a nice idea. He sounds lovely and open so would probably appreciate it.

A text to show you acknowledge his stresses and care, depression can be very lonely place.

Original poster

BillySmut56 · 25/02/2018 19:43

Have messaged BIL and he really appreciated it, and DH apologised for thinking it wasn't a good idea so all is well.

OP posts:

Loz604 · 25/02/2018 20:41

Oh good 😊 was there any more conversation or did he just thank you for reaching out? Xx

Original poster

BillySmut56 · 25/02/2018 21:02

It was more of a thanks for reaching out response. I wished him good luck with something specific he's doing this week and he said he'd let me know how it goes, so I'm hoping that will open up more conversation as I do think it would be good for him to talk about things more.

OP posts:

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