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Original poster

How do I get over this? Being the other woman..

16 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 25/02/2018 12:35

6 years ago I started a job. After around a month myself and my then boss started a ‘fling’.. (Don’t know what else to call it) I was 18 and he was 32.

Worked together 6 days a week. Saw each other after work most nights for a few hours. Slept together most nights. It was very intense, very quickly.

He was extremely controlling. Got angry if I spoke to other men at work. Took my phone from me while we were there. Sex wasn’t physically forced, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. He had me by the throat on one occasion and threatened to kill me if I got back with my ex. (Who I had only just split with. I think this was a rebound thing)

Fast forward a few months and I fell pregnant. Then and only then do I find out that he was married with 2 children.

I left the job when I was 12 weeks pregnant. The stress was making me very ill.

Daughter was born prematurely.

Shortly after she arrived, his wife found out. Everything erupted, as you would expect! I told her everything. He completely denied everything. Said I was lying and he had never slept with me etc. Wife only believed me when I sent her a picture of him and our daughter.

He met our daughter once and I haven’t seen him since. I haven’t spoken to him since. I’ve had a few exchanges with his wife though.

Since then I got back with my ex when my daughter was a few weeks old. He loves her and is raising her as his own. We had a baby 3 years ago and are genuinely happy together as a family.

I’m not okay. I have flashbacks, vivid dreams, I hate being touched. I’ve closed down all of my emotions. I’m extremely angry and bitter about the whole situation.

I saw a councillor when my daughter was around 8 months old. Everything was great until she told me to write him a letter and let him know how I was feeling... I didn’t see her again.

How do I get over this? How do I stop the anger? How do I reconnect with my emotions?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbutton85 · 25/02/2018 12:36

To add - Him and his wife are still together. Had another child. Seem happy enough..

OP posts:
LLO7 · 25/02/2018 12:48

Honestly I would cut contact with the wife, stop finding out things about them, stop looking them up on fb (if you do!), perhaps even move away from the area if possible so you don't have to worry about bumping into them. He obviously doesn't want anything to do with your child, and it sounds like that's a good thing, I am glad you have a supportive partner now. I suggest going back to counselling and trying to move on, don't try to squash your feelings as of course that won't help but that was a past part of your life that you have moved on from now, you don't need to let it control your life anymore. I am so so sorry you have had to go through this. I was sexually assaulted by an ex and I know it's not as easy to just 'move on' but you need to think that it's finished and you don't have to go through that anymore. It may be worth a visit to the doctors to explore if you are suffering from anxiety or depression as temporary meds could help.

TheSnowFairy · 25/02/2018 12:49

How do you know he has another child? I think you need closure from him in all ways. If you have to communicate re your DD do it via solicitors.

ThisLittleKitty · 25/02/2018 12:54

I have no advice but sounds like a horrible situation you went through. Could you cut them out completely? Flowers

Original poster
Pinkbutton85 · 25/02/2018 12:55

We haven’t had any contact with either of them for probably 3.5 years.

They live an hour away as it is. Thank god!

I was a mutual friend with his cousin. So a picture of all them popped up. Deleted him after so I couldn’t see anything

OP posts:
OurMiracle1106 · 25/02/2018 12:59

I think your counsellor might be right. I have a book which I’ve writtten all my flashbacks etc down in. My ex husband will never see them but some how getting them out has helped immensely.

You never need to post the letter. Keep it burn it whatever you feel to. I’ve kept my book for myself and so I’m able to at some point share it all with that special someone

sophiepotato · 25/02/2018 13:43

The way it comes across to me it's less about having been the other woman and more that this relationship was abusive. You were very young and in a vulnerable position, he was both your boss and much older.

I think it's very understandable that you should feel angry and bitter, he treated you horribly and you've done really well to get away from him and build a great life with your family. I do think you need counselling to work through this as it's obviously still having a big effect.

When you say that your previous counsellor wanted you to write a letter, did she want you to actually send it? If not I think that might have been a reasonable way to help you come to terms with your feelings, though I understand it might have felt scary to open up those emotions. If she did want you to send it then that does seem like a bad idea and she maybe wasn't the right counsellor for you but I think you might be able to find one you can work with to help with all this.

Original poster
Pinkbutton85 · 25/02/2018 16:42

She wanted me to send the letter.

But I’ll give writing one a go, thanks for the suggestions Flowers

I’m already on meds for anxiety and depression, caused by a string of events 18m ago. I’ll talk to someone about possibly upping them Sad

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 25/02/2018 16:48

OP, I think you should see a psychotherapist rather than counsellor. It sounds as if you have post-traumatic stress from the whole experience.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 16:57

I was also going to suggest that you might actually have post-traumatic stress from the whole encounter, including your dd being premature. It sounds like a horrific time.

I'd urge you to consider a different type of counsellor - it's like trying new clothes, not everything you will find will fit, same with counsellors. Find one that's the best fit for you.

I also second the suggestion of writing it out. Cry it out if need be. Sorry you went through this.

Original poster
Pinkbutton85 · 25/02/2018 20:47

I will make an appointment tomorrow and try and get counselling again.

I hadn’t thought of PTSD. But it seems quite fitting actually Sad

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 20:52

Have you blocked them all? Presumably he's not paying any maintenance?

Original poster
Pinkbutton85 · 25/02/2018 20:54

I have blocked them all now.

No he isn’t paying anything, he isn’t on her birth certificate either

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 20:56

I usually am the first to advise an OP to make sure she gets her share of what is rightfully hers at the end of a relationship but in your situation I would advise against it. As you say you haven't had any contact with them for over 3 years so I think in the best interests of your mental health you seek appropriate counselling and build the family unit you now have.

If you need a hand-hold or a rant, by all means return to the thread or start one on Relationships. I'm always about Grin

sourpatchkid · 25/02/2018 20:59

I agree with Lifesabeach. I'm sorry you went through this Thanks

Fruem · 26/02/2018 11:49
Flowers
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