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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FFS! DP wanting to go out and see his friend. AIBU?

67 replies

Imnotposhjustquaint · 25/02/2018 09:51

It’s the weekend and we have DSD, 7 (whom we haven’t had for 3 weeks due to sickness bugs etc, we usually have her every weekend) and DD, 4.

DP was busy yesterday, he’s a farmer and was bringing back sheep ready for lambing. We helped him for the first half of the day, the kids were really good etc so I took them to a play park for an hour or two for the second part of the day as a bit of a treat, DP didn’t come with us as he was still busy.

Today I mentioned that there was a zoo nearby doing cheap entry over the winter months and that maybe it would be nice to takes the DC’s one weekend. He didn’t seem very interested or even like he’d really listened.

He wants to go to his friend’s house today to ask him for some advice regarding the farm. Thats fine, I have no problem with that until he says that he wants me and the kids to come too.

I wouldn’t mind but we’ve done this several times before, DP and his friend sit and talk Farm bollocks for about 3 hours while I try and keep two young, bored kids entertained.

I suggested that he goes on his own and then he doesn’t have the kids interrupting every 5 minutes and showing off, misbehaving because they’re bored. He said that I never want to go anywhere with him and that I always make excuses up not to go anywhere blah blah blah. Funny that literally minutes before I’d suggested a nice day out seeing as though we have months of being so busy that we won’t be able to do anything coming up next it’s calving and lambing.

AIBU? He says his friend would love to see the kids but he’s never really been that bothered with them or interacted with them much when we’ve been before.

I just feel like he wants to go and see his friend while I have to try and occupy them. It would be different if the boot was on the other foot and I wanted to go and see my friend and he had to look after them.

I’m probably being petty but could think of other things I could do today with them.

OP posts:
missmoz · 25/02/2018 10:28

Yeah really unfair to expect either of his daughters to sit through that, it's their weekends too!

The 7 year old must be really put out that her Dad clearly doesn't prioritise doing fun things with her, no wonder she can act out (aka about the party)

Nikephorus · 25/02/2018 10:32

He should be spending the morning with the children then go to his friends after 2'30pm.
This ^^. Problem solved.

BewareOfDragons · 25/02/2018 10:37

Tell him he can go see his friend AFTER his daughter goes home at 2:30.

Tell him he needs to spend some time with her and his other daughter as a unit.

He needs to step up.

Original poster
Imnotposhjustquaint · 25/02/2018 10:50

Oh I’ve said all this. His other suggestion was to go and see another friend in a care home. What about what the kids want to do!? He will occasionally bath them and cook for them.

He’s become very possessive of me since his DM died last year. I’m feeling a bit suffocated in all honesty. I seem to work, Farm paperwork and DD’s home work, tea, bath and bed on a night and then weekends I get an extra wee one to contend with with little or no help.

If I bring it up with him he makes me out to be unreasonable

OP posts:
Arapaima · 25/02/2018 10:52

YANBU. He sounds like a bit of an arse tbh.

Chewbecca · 25/02/2018 10:53

Invite the friend to you so the children still have their home comforts/toys?

NotAgainYoda · 25/02/2018 11:00

Yeah

He wants you to go with him so he can say that he thought about you and the kids. When actually he wants to do exactly what he wants and dare you to complain.

Partypopper123 · 25/02/2018 11:01

Ask him directly why he is avoiding focusing his time towards his DD and suggesting activities which are not child friendly.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/02/2018 11:06

How are you tolerating this? The man would rather do anything he wants and spend little time with his kids. His DD is 7 now so in a few years I can imagine her not wanting to visit so much.

missmoz · 25/02/2018 11:06

Suggest he tries and entertains two bored children in a care home Hmm

Sorry I know you've said all this but it really is a ridiculous suggestion on his part...

missmoz · 25/02/2018 11:10

His DD is 7 now so in a few years I can imagine her not wanting to visit so much.

Completely this. I remember seeing my Dad alternate weekends and him always trying to make fun plans with us (cinema, day trips but also just cooking together, renting videos, working on school projects etc) By the time I was in my mid teens I kept visiting because I associated his house with good memories, can't imagine your step-daughter wanting to do the same if this is how he's treating her! (Not a reflection on you, you are doing your best!)

QueenArseClangers · 25/02/2018 11:11

Is this the dick of a DH with the mixed up DD who trashed your daughter’s room and locket with a picture of deceased grandpa in?

Tell him he can take his DD with him cos you’ll be busy at home getting legal advice on how to LTB.

ScipioAfricanus · 25/02/2018 11:13

This is the DP who wanted you to take his daughter to a party she wasn’t invited to rather than look after her/spend time with her himself, isn’t it?

He doesn’t seem to want to do anything with his own children but also seems to want to make your life all about looking after them. It seems quite controlling to insist you accompany him to a miserable visit for the children (bad enough if he just went off on his own) - either that or he doesn’t want to ‘look bad’ so wants to be able to say he has spent lots of time with them, regardless of whether it was nice for them.

There is nothing reasonable about that in my opinion.

Hellywelly10 · 25/02/2018 11:14

Did you post before a few weeks ago about your husband not taking responsibility for taking his child to birthday party?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/02/2018 11:18

If I bring it up with him he makes me out to be unreasonable

'I'm telling you how I FEEL.

If you choose to shut that down and just tell yourself - and me - that that's me eing unreasonable, that's your choice. I can't make you listen to me and value the way I feel, instead of trying to batter me into the shape you want me to be.

But, I can tell you that I won't be able to stick that treatment forever and I'll vote with my feet. So, wouldn't it be easier and nicer, long term, to work on listening to me as a person in my own right, rather than looking round at an empty farmhouse in ten years and thinking - what did I do wrong?'

JaneEyre70 · 25/02/2018 11:28

OP I don't know if there is a nice way to say this, but he's an absolute arse of a father and you are enabling him to be.

He doesn't want to be around his children. That is very plain. He has no consideration for their needs or feelings whatsoever. How can you love a man like that?

Loveatthefiveanddime · 25/02/2018 11:28

I think this may give us an idea about why he is divorced

llangennith · 25/02/2018 11:43

He wants you to go with him so he can say to himself that it was a nice family day out.
It’s him being totally selfish and wanting to spend his day with his friend talking about stuff that interests him while not giving a toss about how bored you and the DC will be.
Tell him a straight NO and that you don’t care if he thinks you are being unreasonable. You are going to put the DC’s needs first.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2018 11:47

I can't image why his first marriage broke up? Hmm Just tell him no, you're not going to the care home or to the friend's with the kids.

Partypopper123 · 25/02/2018 11:50

It is completely unreasonable to expect 2 small children to behave at someone's house for 3 hrs whilst an arse numbingly boring farming conversation carries on around them. It is also unreasonable to take you to ensure that the kids behave too. I think I might start to behave badly if I had to sit through that.
Same for a care home visit, totally boring and stress inducing for you.

Partypopper123 · 25/02/2018 11:51

Meant to say totally boring for kids and stress inducing for you.

BewareOfDragons · 25/02/2018 11:54

Ahhh... I remember the party post as well. And how the 7 year old trashed the 4 year old's room and broke her precious locket.

And he still isn't getting the message that he needs to pay some real attention to her? Really?

I think some tough decisions may be coming your way, OP, about whether or not he is really 'in' this marriage and 'in' with being a father to his own children.

If you're going to be stuck doing it all, you might as well be on your own, no?

HobnobBob · 25/02/2018 12:17

And you’re TTC another child?

LannieDuck · 25/02/2018 12:50

Just be honest. Tell him you find it boring because he and his friend sit for hours having a conversation that doesn't include you. You're happy for him to go do it himself and you'll look after the kids, or he can take the kids with him. But you're not willing to go and be bored for 3 hours for no reason.

...and perhaps point out that the kids get bored at his friend's house too.

SparklyMagpie · 25/02/2018 13:07

"Just be honest. Tell him you find it boring"

No be honest and tell him to be a dad and prioritise his children first and see how bloody friends later

He really is pathetic! I'd be off