To wonder what to do with husband who swears at me when he's angry/frustrated

[Thislittlepiggy1]

Honestly wondering what to do with him........

So this morning my husband calls and asks for a number that he needs asap but while he's asking his phone starts playing up and I can't hear what he's saying. So we call each other back a couple of times and then eventually i hear him ask me but by this time he's obviously frustrated so just says "send me your fu**ing XXX number" in a really belittling manner. Now if I'm honest I don't mind swearing and I understand we do it when we're annoyed but its the tone in which he does it like 'I must be so stupid that I can't do what he wants straight away.'

This has happened a few times recently and I made it clear to him that I wasn't prepared to put up with it and it's not an acceptable way to speak to your wife no matter the situation or how he's feeling. Since then he has made an effort not to do it but this morning he clearly relapsed.

I feel it's a matter of respect and if he can speak to me like that he clearly has lost respect for me. He would never speak to his mother like that and as his wife and the mother of his child I should get the same respect from him.

What is the next step if telling him doesn't work?

If he can’t ask in an adult manner I’d be tempted to treat him like a child. I won’t respond or help unless he asks in an appropriate way.

YANBU, my ex used to talk to me like that all the time and I hated it

I've no idea sorry but if it's me I would just hang up/walk away and not do the thing he was asking until I was asked nicely. But then that feels a bit like parenting and you shouldn't have to parent your husband.

The next step is to tell him you aren't prepared to carry on in a marriage where your partner is using aggressive abusive language towards you.Perhaps he might take you seriously then?

My ex used to do this very often. I hated it too. It is a total lack of respect - that's one of the reasons why he's an ex.

Does he has a genuine anger problem, by which I mean does he treat his parents, boss and friends this way or does he just treat his wife this way?

I’d actually just refuse to speak to him until he said sorry and talked to me in a normal manner. It’s quite abusive actually.

Read your post properly, sorry. It sounds like he is choosing to treat you badly. What do you think a women should do when her partner is choosing to treat her badly?

Tie wraps,rug,shovel, balaclava ?...

Op you deserve better you know you do x

DH used to do this. Not really in person, but on the phone if he's got a bad reception or something. I hung up on him every single time. He doesn't do it anymore.

Honestly. I left.

No matter how many times he apologised once he'd calmed down, or said it wouldn't happen again, it was still there. He was fab 98% of the time, but in the end that 2% had me walking on eggshells not to trigger the "you're fucking useless" or "who the fuck do you think you are talking to" responses.

So now he's my ex, and I'm much happier.

Im quite a sweary person and so is my husband and weve said some right things to each other over the years. Looking at the bigger picture though we both know that we love, respect and support one another. Im just saying that because of some PP saying swearing must be abusive. I dont think it always is if that is how that person generally speaks... its hard to break a habit and thats what swearing is. Its not always indicitive of someone not respecting you or genuinely thinking badly of you. That said its not something to completely put up with either. If ive spoken harshly to my husband or vice versa I expect him or me to apologise and acknowledge that. I also would not expect to be responded to if was swearing and vice versa.

I think if its upsetting you and youve asked him to try and deal with it then you are well within your rights to not respond at all every time he speaks to you like that. I think initially it is best to walk away as engaging with someone that wound up is likely to make things worse. But later explain that you wont respond when addressed in an offensive way and that you want him to try and not swear at you.

If he continues to do this and seems to put no effort in to stop it all all then i would start to consider it abusive.

I think only you can tell if its genuine force of habit, or a mistake that hes trying his best to deal with... or if its actually malicious and intentional and a sign of disrespect from him.

Person swears after being frustrated by technology - shocker.

I'm a very sweary person, more so than DH. But swearing at someone, normally accompanied by some kind of insult is out of order. When DH used to do it if he was frustrated, calling me a 'stupid fucking cunt' didn't solve his problem, it made it 10 times worse because I'd hang up and completely disengage.

Lol! Notthemessiah, indeed.

Like I said I don't have a problem with swearing, I actually quite like people who swear because its an honest form of self-expression in my opinion. It's the belittling way in which it's done that's a problem and of course it's hard to explain his tone when you can't hear it for yourselves.

windchimesabotage, I think it is a force of habit and I have let him get away with it for a while but because there's always an excuse like work stress. Recently I had a son and I'm adamant I don't want him to learn this behaviour from him.

I think the ignoring is a good idea. Unfortunately on this occasion he was doing something for me which I did need him to do so ignoring him would have caused me a problem in another way. He has responded to ignoring in the past and it does scare him.

Thanks for your opinions : )