I'm new here and need a check as my ex says I am being unreasonable and using our child as a weapon. My DD is 6, I split from her dad about 2.5 years ago and we've had a working arrangement about access where he'd pick her up from school and also have her on a Weds and Sat overnight.
So just over 3 weeks ago (31st Jan 2018) I got a call from social services telling me that her dad had been arrested with a "significant amount of cannabis" and I was advised to stop all contact immediately for safeguarding purposes as he had put her in danger. I've since been through the assessment process with social services and told they don't have any need to see me or DD again. The social worker was actually very lovely and had a conversation with my daughter privately upstairs in her room (I listened at the bottom of the stairs) and without any prompting, DD told the social worker that when she was at Daddy's house, the "smelly trees" made her feel like bugs were crawling under her skin. She confirmed she didn't feel this way at Mummy's house. I've since taken her to the DR for a full check up and she's been given nasal cream as she is nasally ... prob as a result of being around a smoker. Also, DD told the SW that her dad smoked in the car with her. This made me very angry...
My DD never had her own room at her Dad's house even though he had a 2 bed property because as she put it, he had "smelly trees" in the bedrooms and she used to sleep in a bed with her dad. She used to come home to me smelling strongly of cologne / bodyspray with an underlying smell of cigarettes and cannabis. I'm a non smoker, so I can smell if someone has been around smoke from like a mile off. I never had proof because on pick up / drop offs he wouldn't even let me into his property if I needed to use the toilet...
The lady from Social Services who came round to assess me and also DD's dad, said the provision he he had made for her was "adequate" but that as her primary carer, it was up to me to make a decision about the welfare of my child and what is best for her. Her dad now seems to think that just because he has provided a bed for her in his spare room and obviously the cannabis and all equipment was removed by the police that it can all just go back to normal. According to him it is my fault that he isn't seeing his daughter.
I've asked him to tell me what is going on with his court case but he ignores me and refuses to answer, telling me I am being unreasonable, that I am bullying him, using our daughter as a weapon and that I am hurting her by preventing him from seeing her. The police can't tell me anything about his case for data protection purposes and I find myself googling our local magistrates court every Friday because they list the cases heard that week. I feel it's the only way I'll get to find out what is going on.
DD doesn't actually seem to be suffering too much from not seeing him though.. she says "that's what he is like" when we call him to say goodnight 3x and he doesn't answer. It breaks my heart.
There is also a long history of domestic / emotional abuse between DD's dad and myself and the police have logs of this. It's also why social services advised I not supervise visits in my home. He just seems to be acting like he hasn't done a thing wrong and accusing me of using her as a weapon, telling me that stopping him from seeing her is hurting our child. It's like he completely forgot that he got arrested and stopped our previous arrangement.
So I'm not currently allowing any access, and due to his verbal abuse towards me on the phone I'm changing my phone number and told him that she will now call him from a private number 2x a week.
Am I being unreasonable stopping the access for now?