I don't like my in-laws, AIBU to offload here before their visit?

[Scaramoose]

Luckily, however, I do like my DH! So, as my in-laws are coming for a visit tomorrow, I would like to get things off my chest here rather than risk upsetting or annoying DH (they are his parents after all even though he knows what they are like, he does not know the extent to which I dislike them.)

I find them, firstly, tediously dull. We sit and make stilted conversation about the weather etc, there is also an undercurrent of tension that someone might say something potentially controversial (by controversial, I mean basically express an opinion.)

Which brings me to my next point, they live their lives fretting. They worry about neighbours, burglars, you name it they will find something to worry about with it. They also cannot comprehend why someone would not stress about the things they fret over. DH said he was terrified of the idea of burglars when he was young, something drummed into him by his parents.

I find his mother in particular quite controlling. She acts nervous and on edge but this also means that everyone else bends over backwards to accommodate what she wants, regardless of any possible inconvenience to anyone else. She 'doesn't want to put anyone out' or 'get in the way' with pretty much everything which really means that she gets exactly what she wants as nobody wants to 'upset' her.

DH has has anxiety issues in the past which put a great strain on our relationship. His counselling uncovered that this is due to his upbringing. His parents, on the other hand, are quietly smug that they are 'a nice normal family' and clearly (through their lack of comments) feel as if they are judging me as I have come from a family of divorced parents and a less conventional upbringing than their children who were brought up in a cul de sac in the Midlands. Out of DH's brothers, three out of the four have needed psychiatric help or counselling with regards to anxiety issues. This has never been openly mentioned because nobody wants to 'upset mum and dad.'

So, tomorrow, DH and I will give out a sanitised version of things that are happening (not that there is anything especially exciting or controversial going on anyway) while I try and find multiple excuses to get out the room / house. There will be the undercurrent of tension and I will find it increasingly bizarre that, the more normal they pretend to be, the more dysfunctional they actually are.

And breathe....!

[trinity0097]

Next time make sure you have planned a complicated meal that means you have to spend most of the time in the kitchen cooking!

Did that with my last in-law visit and it passed the time much better! They arrive at 9am for a lunch visit!

[Tistheseason17]

YANBU - better here than with them

It's not for long and then they will be gone :)

[Scaramoose]

@trinity0097 unfortunately we have a big kitchen so they are more likely to be in here sitting around the table than anywhere else!

@tistheseason17 I agree, they will be gone by this time tomorrow and this is what I am trying to focus on!

[Theshipsong]

I feel your pain OP. No solutions though except to grit your teeth. Mine arrive with DH's 40 something year old sister in tow who is unbearable so at least you only have two to put up with.

[Scaramoose]

Yes, I suppose two is better than three! I do wish I liked them but I can't. Tell me about the 40 year old sister to make me feel better!

[mamaduckbone]

YADNBU - much better to let it out. DH also has anxiety issues as a result of his upbringing and his mother is such a loose cannon you never quite know when she’s going to take offence at a perfectly innocent comment. They’re coming next weekend...good luck getting through your visit.

[missyB1]

OP I feel your pain. We play this game with my in laws where we all pretend everything is hunky dory, but in actual fact they are a pair of smug hypocrites who look down their noses at everyone. They believe they were the perfect parents and pat themselves on the back, but poor Bil has serious mental health problems relating to insecurity and anxiety as a child.

Like you I love DH so I grit my teeth and play the game. Take a deep breath!!

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

They don't sound that bad really, not compared to some of the stories on here.

Just have a few wines before they come?

[Blarblarblar]

They sound like mine but add in racist and bigoted. Horrific. I put my big happy face on and challenge everything that comes out their mouths. I don’t think they like me very much but they HATE their other daughter in law.

[Scaramoose]

Its frustrating isn't it! I don't have any bond with them like DH does so he is a lot more accommodating. He calls it his parents 'idiosyncrasies' but I just find it irritating and controlling

[Scaramoose]

@greatduckcookery I think it's a culmination of lots of small things making a massive thing, if you see what I mean

[Scaramoose]

Having a few wines is a bad idea, I would find it far too easy to get carried away! Also, they don't really drink so I would feel judged even if I only had a glass.

[Plainlycrackers]

Over the last 20+ years I have worked hard on being able to drivel on about very un-controversial topics acceptable to my MIL... gardening and soft furnishings have been the safest... I now have what feels like an almost encyclopaedia-like knowledge of garden flowers despite being crap at gardening... (but never have a favourite gardening tv presenter... if you like Monty she will prefer Alan, etc etc...) I feel your pain OP and maybe jolly spouting of innocuous drivel isn’t your bag but I have found it has given me the moral high ground as no-one can say that I don’t make an effort. Or of course if they hate gardening perhaps make it your new passion so you can hide in the garden😂

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Just put it in a mug and pretend it's tea but yes I agree it's probably best not to drink if nobody else is.

[Theshipsong]

She asks very personal questions about our lives while divulging nothing and I mean NOTHING about her own. She is unnecessarily secretive under the guise of being a 'private person'. She may mention that she went on holidays but would never say who she went with. Really silly stuff as I don't know her 'friends and I only ask to make some sort of conversation as otherwise its like a questions and answers session with her asking all the questions. When we answer, she talks over us with the answer she thinks we said so basically doesn't' listen.

She can't do conversation. If anyone tries to talk about something silly just to relieve the tension eg something on tv, she will remark that she finds those sort of tv shows unintelligent and can't watch them. Remarks about her superior intelligence and cleverness are downright rude and she is very judgemental. . She is also extremely manipulative but that is a whole other story.

[notmyredditusername365]

Never mind. Comfort yourself with the idea that they probably feel the same about you and you are all making an effort for the sake of your dh.

[Theshipsong]

And she has an opinion on EVERYTHING!

[notmyredditusername365]

Wow, so many name change fails lately!

[numptynuts]

Hi OP. What happened in their childhood to cause these issues with their children. I ask for personal interest reasons. Thanks.

Also, close your eyes and count to ten, deep breaths when needed.

[Helpimfalling]

At least you don't have a rascist chav of a mother in law (I have mixed race kids from previous relationship)

Who sits there telling DD she has a new grandpa (her boyfriend of six months who my DD has never met) my DDs one

Mind numbingly thick

I have to see them tomorrow yawn

Although yours see kind crazzzzy

[thedevilinablackdress]

OP asked Theshipsong to tell her about her sister. Not merailing.

[Pikehau]

YANBU - I can’t stand mine visiting. Dh changes his behaviour and it’s deeply unsettling!

Hope you manage to grit teeth through it... I like the idea of finding jobs out of their vicinity... maybe I’ll put all the washing away next time.... 5 loads!

[Hateloggingin]

Notmyredditusername - you’re nice

[LoonvanBoon]

YANBU. I shuddered slightly when I read the phrase 'nice normal family' as my MIL has used that precise phrase on more than one occasion. Apparently, when DH was growing up, she also used to talk about PLUs - 'people like us' to denote those respectable, middle class families who were safe to mix with.

I've also had pitying words and looks about coming from a 'broken home' - ie. my DM divorced my DF when I was a teenager.

My ILs have definitely mellowed in their social and political attitudes, though, and I do enjoy their company in general. DH says that they're also much more open and affectionate than they used to be when he was a kid. And they drink a lot more than I do!

Hope it's not too much of an ordeal tomorrow.