I don't like my in-laws, AIBU to offload here before their visit?

[Scaramoose]

Luckily, however, I do like my DH! So, as my in-laws are coming for a visit tomorrow, I would like to get things off my chest here rather than risk upsetting or annoying DH (they are his parents after all even though he knows what they are like, he does not know the extent to which I dislike them.)

I find them, firstly, tediously dull. We sit and make stilted conversation about the weather etc, there is also an undercurrent of tension that someone might say something potentially controversial (by controversial, I mean basically express an opinion.)

Which brings me to my next point, they live their lives fretting. They worry about neighbours, burglars, you name it they will find something to worry about with it. They also cannot comprehend why someone would not stress about the things they fret over. DH said he was terrified of the idea of burglars when he was young, something drummed into him by his parents.

I find his mother in particular quite controlling. She acts nervous and on edge but this also means that everyone else bends over backwards to accommodate what she wants, regardless of any possible inconvenience to anyone else. She 'doesn't want to put anyone out' or 'get in the way' with pretty much everything which really means that she gets exactly what she wants as nobody wants to 'upset' her.

DH has has anxiety issues in the past which put a great strain on our relationship. His counselling uncovered that this is due to his upbringing. His parents, on the other hand, are quietly smug that they are 'a nice normal family' and clearly (through their lack of comments) feel as if they are judging me as I have come from a family of divorced parents and a less conventional upbringing than their children who were brought up in a cul de sac in the Midlands. Out of DH's brothers, three out of the four have needed psychiatric help or counselling with regards to anxiety issues. This has never been openly mentioned because nobody wants to 'upset mum and dad.'

So, tomorrow, DH and I will give out a sanitised version of things that are happening (not that there is anything especially exciting or controversial going on anyway) while I try and find multiple excuses to get out the room / house. There will be the undercurrent of tension and I will find it increasingly bizarre that, the more normal they pretend to be, the more dysfunctional they actually are.

And breathe....!

[Scaramoose]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and keep them coming! Sporadic replies at the moment as also watching Olympics

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

Pikehau they just want DS to amuse them, constantly, in a non-noisy, non-disruptive way. None of them have ever got down to his level and played with him. Their loss.

[EggysMom]

Heck, forget in-laws, my own parents are just like this! Conversations with them have to be kept incredibly light and non-controversial, else one of two things will happen - they'll go off on a right-wing rant, or I'll say something that will majorly upset them resulting in a huge sulk. I've spent over 40 years avoiding discussing anything of depth with them. And I don't know if they realise that, or if they think that nothing of any concern goes on in my life ...

[user1468538201]

I used to avoid my mil as much as possible, my husband and I were 7 years together when we got engaged and instead of congratulations she said 'how long do you expect that to last', she looked down at me from the very start because I was a single parent, this was despite her golden boy (my bil) walking away from two wives and leaving them with a son each to rear, he pays nothing and doesn't see the boys, she's mellowed out over the years, partly because I wouldn't let her away with disrespecting my husband or I. Best of luck with yours.

[Pikehau]

lookingforthecorkscrew agree their loss. Mine are too busy “needing a 100th cup of tea” arranging meeting their friend in my house like it’s a coffee shop....

My mother 80yrs has my 3yr old dd out for dog walks, gives her piggy backs, my 6yr old da has her jumpingg over obstacles (H&S issues for oap’s there!) and she teaches my baby to clap and offer hands for round and round the garden. My dad plays dominos, and feeds the garden birds witn them...

So why oh why can’t my il’s just throw a fucking ball!??!? They are in their 60’s!!!

Of course I am clearly full of envy that my parents will never know my children older and Ils might be the memory they have of gps. I’ll stamp my foot now “not fair!!!”

[Countingsheeeep]

not engaging with the children eugh i can relate to this one also. Mil loves a bit of performance grandparenting...she will be so over the top when other family members are there it's almost as if she is high on something, no sense of personal space. She especially likes to FaceTime when she is at other people's houses so that they can witness her excellent grandparenting skills, it's so cringy! When alone however, sits on the sofa drinking tea repeating "give that to Nana", "bring that to Nana" "give Nana a kiss"...she is barely 1! She doesn't understand anything you are saying and this is not "playing".

3 facetimes a week we have to endure of listening to her say "give Nana a kiss" "bring Nana that book" over and over again whilst DD potters around with absolutely no idea what is going on.

[Countingsheeeep]

Posted too soon....however if we try to tell her something about DD, like how her swimming lessons are going etc...she will go off about how SHE goes swimming once a week, and we have to listen to this boring story about the amount of lengths she does...no real interest in DD at all. It's like DD is just a supply she calls on to feel like a Nana if that makes sense.

[GrannyGrissle]

Tell them you have recently been diagnosed with IBS, hide a book and flask of tea/bottle of wine in the bathroom and make frequent lengthy bathroom visits. This will work on two levels; you get to escape and have some chill out time and they will be pleased you are anxious and stressed and it manifesting as an actual illness. You're welcome

[Worldsworstcook]

@grannygrissle

Yep I agree, there's nothing like saying that youve currently got a hefty dose of dihorrea to clear a house of unwanted guests.

[Scaramoose]

Turns out DH is dreading it too! He woke up this morning as if he was off to a funeral, and said he is now regretting not saying he’d see them instead as at least he could leave. He said he’s finding his mother in particular ‘hard work’ as she can’t / won’t listen to anything and then reacts as if everything she’s decided she’s been told is either ridiculously stupid or borderline disastrous. We look after other people’s dogs so have one, a beautifully behaved large mongrel, and this, most definitely will fall under the above categories. It’ll be the hygiene, the dog hair, the getting under feet, the smell, what if the dog bites DS, runs away, attacks the postman blah blah blah. Us saying we enjoy it makes no difference. MIL cant understand why anyone would like dogs / animals as ‘they are so unpredictable.’

[Scaramoose]

We have our own dog too, as well as the one staying. Sorry I forgot to add that as typing on phone. We also live semi rurally in a large house not somewhere small, cramped and grubby. I know this is showing off but lots of our friends have said how stylish it is. I mention this to illustrate that our house doesn’t look or smell like it’s ‘full of dogs’, quite the opposite. However, from MIL’s reactions you’d think it was a stinking shithole

[Whitecurrants]

Next time could you go somewhere with them instead of having them at yours all day? It might be less strained?r

[Nikephorus]

Could you hide a slice of bacon or couple of sausages under the cushion of where MIL will be sitting? Then she'd have so much to worry about from 2 dogs trying to snuffle the chair that she'd not be bothering you!

[Nikephorus]

And you could always mention that you think that chair must be possessed by evil spirits because the dogs have been acting really strange around it.

[Scaramoose]

Ha! At the sausages! She might notice and decide it’s Reason 82 for Not Having Animals at Home

Usually DH meets them either out or elsewhere, them visiting us is actually quite rare.

[Meandmy4]

I have a shovel rug cable ties and boot .... also freshly dug holes but they have residents in them but im sure we can put your il in them also ....pm your address ill be round soon x

[speakout]

This is why god in her wisdom invented a sneaky G&T in the kitchen as guests arrive.

My MIL is Cynthia Bucket from Keeping up Appearances.

Gin gets me through.

[ShiftyMcGifty]

Seize the opportunity- first negative comment about dogs act very offended that they as guests would say something like this to you in your own home and morally offend you to the core and go out for a long walk in a huff with both dogs

[JoeyMaynardssolidlump]

This is why wine was invented.

My in laws were delightful and loved them to bits but my sister!! God she’s vile.

[TheNoseyProject]

God it sounds like my parents who, having gotten over a long and strongly held conviction that all visits should be to them, now come to my house weekly to snipe at each other and monologue about their lives. They ignore anything I say about mine to the extend I now volunteer almost nothing and my mum gets mortally offended if you forget to ask about any of her hobbies but she won’t introduce any topic of conversation and if you start a conversation she shuts it down. Example:
Me - I’ve started new role at work
Them - oh?
Me - yes it’s today with health and safety
Them - oh you’re dad’s a health and safety hazard you should see his shed!
(Silence)
Me - we’re going on holiday next week
Them - you didn’t say (I did!)
Me - I’m sure I did. Anyway it’s just a couple of days in X city.
Them - we went there in 1874. It rained.
(Silence)

[Takeoutyourhen]

Best of luck for today!
@Countingsheeep snap with FaceTime! It's actually anxiety inducing having to listen to my kids having 20 questions pelted at them. They are not performing seals!
Then the disgruntledness when they don't do as they want. And guess who's fault that is? My parenting of course! It's like a test to see how well they are doing and whether it reflects on how we are bringing them up.
Then snide comments about how X or Y are much better behaved/social now in public...
They just don't like to be put under pressure on FaceTime!!
Rant over.
As you were

[wetrebecca]

I think we should have a Bitch About Family Here So You Can Be Lovely In Real Life topic on MN for exactly this reason.

Oh hang on, that's large chunks of MN isn't it?

[llangennith]

When they arrive greet them warmly then take the dogs for the long walk all dogs really must have. Find a dog friendly pub and have a nice warm drink and stay there a few hours.

[Jammycustard]

I find my parents hard work tbh. What’s even better is that they got sick of each other and divorced so now we endure twice as many visits as they have to come separately.

[worridmum]

How would you feel if your partner deeply hated your parents?

I have seen on here its fine to hate your inlaws (his parents) but its a big red flag if the bloke hate their parents and they should suck up all shitty behaviour etc