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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking Friend for Ticket Back

54 replies

Buffybee · 24/02/2018 16:13

Myself and friend, who like this particular style of music, booked tickets ages ago for a Show, which is in two weeks.
A week ago, she tells me that her Dh is working away that evening and she can't find any childcare. She's gutted and I even try to sort some childcare out with a family member, but anyway it wasn't possible.
So, she says to find another friend to go to the Show with me.

I ask another friend and even though it's not exactly her thing, she agreed to come with me.
Now original friends Dh has told her the business trip is cancelled and she's pissed off as she's no ticket now. She let the ticket go for free.
Do you think it would be ok for me to explain to the friend who's coming with me the change in situation and ask if she'd mind giving the ticket back?
Or just leave it now?
Really don't know what to do!

OP posts:

TheXXFactor · 24/02/2018 17:00

Agree with purple - if Friend 2 is only going to keep you company and might be relieved to get out of it, it's fine to ask her is she would prefer to give the ticket back to Friend 1. But you have to do it in a way that makes it clear that Friend 2 gets to keep the ticket if she wants it.

Lalliella · 24/02/2018 17:11

Agree with purple and XX I think it’s worth mentioning to friend 2 that she doesn’t have to go now if she doesn’t want to as things have changed, but she can still go if she wants. If I was friend 2 I’d give the ticket back to friend 1 without hesitation.

Kahlua4me · 24/02/2018 17:13

I don’t think you can tell her simply that she can’t go anymore, BUT you could explain that friend A can now come as her dh is not away after all and leave it to her to decide.

If it was me and I was only going to keep you company, I would be happy to relinquish the ticket so the original person, who bought the ticket could go.

Original poster

Buffybee · 24/02/2018 17:13

No! Tickets are Sold out! TheBakeryQueen
The tickets we have are really good seats as we booked as soon as they came up for Sale.
To be fair, I would prefer going with the friend I booked the ticket with as we both love the music so much.

There are things I go to with the other friend that wouldn't necessarily suit this friend. Iyswim

OP posts:

Kahlua4me · 24/02/2018 17:13

Ah, crossed posted with lots of others! 😀

bathandpjs · 24/02/2018 17:16

Sounds like your friends are reasonable. If you think no offence will be taken it might be worth explaining to friend 2.

MyDcAreMarvel · 24/02/2018 17:16

Just explain to friend two.

Pearlsaringer · 24/02/2018 17:16

I don’t think you can just ask her to give it back. You could tell her 1st friend can now come after all and is desperately trying to get hold of another ticket so there might be three of you going. She might offer at that point seeing as 1st friend paid for hers in the first place.

Pearlsaringer · 24/02/2018 17:17

Oops x post

alibongo5 · 24/02/2018 17:17

So who has actually paid for the ticket? Friend 1? If Friend 2 hasn't even paid her for the ticket I don't think she can really complain if Friend 1 wants to go using HER OWN ticket?

I don't understand why you can't just have a quiet word with Friend 2 and say that Friend 1 can now come and does she really want to go or let friend 1 use her own ticket?

I really don't understand the big deal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/02/2018 17:20

The only way you could present this OP is to say to friend 2: "Friend 1 is going to see if she can get a ticket to come with us as her husband's arrangements have fallen through".

That's it. Friend 2 might jump at the chance not to go with you and give you the ticket gladly but there must be absolutely no suggestion from you that you don't expect Friend 2 to come. None whatsoever. Not in thought, word or deed.

It may pay off, it may not. If you truly feel that sad for Friend 1 then give her YOUR ticket and let her and Friend 2 go together...

Original poster

Buffybee · 24/02/2018 17:21

Thanks anyway Kahlua4me!

If there was any chance that I would upset the friend who has the ticket now, I wouldn't even contemplate asking for it back.
Tbf I think that she would be more annoyed if she knew that original friend could have gone after all and I hadn't let her know.
It's actually going to be a bit of a rush for her to get there as well, because of work, as its on a Thursday night.
I'll think about it overnight and see how I feel tomorrow!

OP posts:

Haisuli · 24/02/2018 17:21

I wouldn't have any problem at all in asking friend 2 if she really wants to go because friend 1 can now attend. Presume friend 2 knows that she only got the ticket because friend 1 couldn't go. I would not be offended if I was friend 2, I might even be relieved if I was only going to keep you company, You could say to her that you could book something for you two instead?

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2018 17:25

I think this is about first friend who couldn't go's attitude.
I understand she's disappointed to find she gave up a ticket to an event she can now attend and is out of pocket and has missed out on the fun thing. Feeling disappointed is one thing. However, there are disappointments which are of our own making, which we just need to suck up and move on from.

I don't think it matters that friend 2 gets out more. It would be rude to suggest or to put her in a position to feel that she needed to give up the ticket now. In fact it will be really important to not even mention that original person could have gone in the end. Even just mentioning this on the day of the event would ruin it for her and she will feel bad about being there.

This would be my general take on this. The only exception I would make is if these 2 were good friends and know each other well and IF you could be absolutely sure that 2nd friend would absolutely say,mwithout feeling obliged, that first friend should go, and totally mean it and not then give not going a 2nd thought. Some groups of 3 do have this level of relationship, with openness, honesty and selflessness. Only OP can know if this is the case here and if it would be appropriate to mention the situation to friend 2. If there was any doubt at all about this, I would stick with what has been agreed and take friend 2, without saying anything about it. Acknowledge to friend 1 that it's a real shame this has happened, but is just one of those things. Quite likely OP feels more bad about it than friend 1 actually does herself.

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2018 17:31

And I think this is an interesting question, given the extra info OP supplied.

Usually telling friend 2 that friend 1 can now go would be rude and messing her about. Most people don't cope well with feeling 2nd choice. However here, it sounds like Friend 2 might be a bit more understanding and not take being told friend 1 can now go as a personal slight or sign of being used or not valued by the others. It's a refreshing change for MN where people often seem to take offence or have friends who take offence so easily.

It could be quite possible that either could be a rig approach here. Probably OP feels in the middle and so rather torn. Perhaps she should give up her ticket so friends 1 and 2 can go together. Only joking!

Original poster

Buffybee · 24/02/2018 17:31

That's it Pearlsaringer! That's is how to do it. She will give the ticket back right away, I know.
alibongo5 Friend 1 paid for the ticket and had given it up for free.
You're right! Friend 1 should keep her ticket!
Just trying to not hurt people's feelings really. As in, Friend 2, here's a free ticket for Show, Her: Oh bit inconvenient but I will come.
3 days later: Erm! Can I have ticket back.

OP posts:

ChocolateWombat · 24/02/2018 17:35

Oh glad you can see a way forward with this. Yes sounds like this will work - you know friend 2 and if she would then feel used and not valued, or just automatically want friend 1 to go and not be bothered at all about not going.
It's clear you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Hope it works out and everyone is happy and you enjoy the show.
Perhaps friend 1 will text friend 2 to say she really appreciates being able to go and sorry for messing her about - that wouldn't go amiss.

alibongo5 · 24/02/2018 17:36

But you wouldn't say "Can I have the ticket back" you would say, "Friend 1 can now come after all. It's great if you want to come and of course you can but if you don't, friend 1 will be happy to go instead. "

They're both friends of yours after all. I truly believe in being open and honest with mine and saying "look be honest with me, do you want to come or not?"

stitchglitched · 24/02/2018 17:41

Friend 2 was only coming as a favour and isn't out of pocket, I think it would be fine to mention that Friend 1 now has childcare and would like to come. It would be a shame for her to miss out on something she has paid for and was obviously looking forward to.

ginch · 24/02/2018 17:45

Explain the problem to friend 2, she'll offer the ticket back immediately.

Any decent person would.

Viviennemary · 24/02/2018 17:48

I think it's quite tricky. If the ticket had been sold then fair enough it can't be given back. But it was given away. I think the friend getting the ticket should pay for it if she still wants to go. That's the fairest thing IMHO.

ittakes2 · 24/02/2018 17:50

The responses are interesting. I look at it from the perspective that the 2nd friend presumably knew that your other friend couldn't go due to lack of childcare and the ticket was given to her for free so you would have company. I have the impression the second friend is not that interested but is going to keep you company. If I was the second friend I would actually feel bad if you DIDN'T tell me that the first friend's circumstances have changed. If you can't tell a friend that, then who can you tell? If I was the second friend, I would have insisted she have the ticket back - she paid for it after all and had originally planned to go. If I was you - I would run it past someone who knows your second friend well and go with what they suggest ie if they think your second friend would be upset, or not, if you raised the subject with her.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2018 17:58

I'd say Friend 2 should either give back the ticket OR pay Friend 1 for it.

It's one thing to accept a 'freebie' when the purchaser can't go, they would have lost the money anyway (although if I were F2 would have offered to pay F1 in the first place). Quite another when the purchaser would be able to use the ticket herself if she still had it in her possession. Again, if I were F2 and found out that F1 could now go, I'd feel it was only courteous of me to ask F1 if she wanted the ticket back or to offer to pay for it as recompense for missing out on the show.

OP, can you step back and let F1 and F2 decide what to do?

Viviennemary · 24/02/2018 18:08

It would be quite cheeky of friend 2 to keep a ticket that she hadn't paid for when the person who had paid for the ticket can go after all. I think I'd sue if I was friend one. Wouldn't really but I'd be annoyed.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/02/2018 18:09

totally tell friend 2 that friend 1 can now go. If I was friend 2 and you didn't tell me, I'd feel awful if you didn't say anything. You and friend 2 can do something nice another time. Perhaps your treat as she kindly agreed to go to this thing with you.

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