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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP to treat me like his friends

23 replies

austounding · 24/02/2018 09:44

DP and I were sitting in the living room last night. I'd got home from work late and we were relaxing and chatting with a glass of wine. After finishing a conversation about his work, he started reading something on his phone. I made a several attempts to talk to him about something else and he ignored me. I made a pointed remark about him ignoring me and he got up in a huff and went to bed.

This morning we talked about it and he maintains that I was being negative and unreasonable about "the way he is." He "gets like that" sometimes when he wants to read something and I shouldn't have been cross. I interrupted him when he was trying to relax in his own home.

I asked him whether he would have ignored any of his friends repeatedly in the same situation and he said no, but that was different because it is a different relationship and he doesn't live with his friends...

I told him he might not be living with me much longer if he carried on like that Hmm AIBU to expect the same courtesy he'd give his friends?

Disclaimer: this is a very minor tiff we are having, he is generally brilliant and I love him dearly - he just doesnt seem to get this one

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 24/02/2018 09:49

If I’m reading something I hate it when dp starts trying to talk to me, I deserve to relax a bit without being bothered when I get home for work where I have been talking to people all day!

No I wouldn’t do that if a friend was there because it’s completely different! I don’t sleep with my mates either or love them in the way I love dp.

I think YABU

KungFuEric · 24/02/2018 09:52

I think this is about your own individual needs.

Some people need down time to switch off, usually introverts who need to just go into themselves for a little bit. That's not wrong or bad.

Some people don't need the down time and just read being ignored when someone is in the same room as them but not engaging.

blackteasplease · 24/02/2018 09:54

Yeah but needing to switch off after he's had his "go" at talking a out his stuff is pretty suspect! So you can never have your turn to talk about the things that matter to you.

Jammycustard · 24/02/2018 09:55

So you’d talked for a bit then he was reading? I think I would have left him to it.

RollTopBath · 24/02/2018 09:57

I think you’re over reacting. Some people don’t want endless chit chat about nothing in particular. Unless it was an important conversation rather than who you’d seen at Tumble Tots then I’d let it go.

Original poster
austounding · 24/02/2018 09:57

Thanks for the helpful and balanced comments all three of you. Glad to have some perspective - I thought he was entirely in the wrong before. He is indeed an introvert so we will have a bit more give and take in future. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
austounding · 24/02/2018 10:00

I spose I had better go say sorry now dammit... :p

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 24/02/2018 10:03

I think he was being a bit passive aggressive. Not unreasonable for him to want to read (I'm just the same way) but be a grown up about it ffs and say "sorry love, do you mind if I read now, I'm knackered" or whatever - not piss and moan about being misunderstood when he hadn't properly communicated what he wanted.

happypoobum · 24/02/2018 10:03

OP I don't think you understand AIBU - you are supposed to maintain you were right and end up leaving DP, not accept you may have overreacted and apologise!

Original poster
austounding · 24/02/2018 10:10

Happyboobum GrinGrinGrin IABU for that alone!!

OP posts:
frasier · 24/02/2018 10:16

It's a bit dated now, written years ago, but have you read "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus"? It explains the "man cave" stuff quite well.

(Still don't apologise, he could have didn't have to huff Grin)

Willow2017 · 24/02/2018 10:25

One of my exes did this. Would moan about something at hks8work but if i did it was "Do this/that and sort it (never sonething i could actually sort myself) dont complain about it" and that was end of conversation, not interested.
Its very frustrating because sometimes you just need to vent or even just discuss home matters, plans etc and they shut you down cos they have had thier say and expect you to just deal with other stuff yourself.

You need to tell him your voice, thoughts etc are as valid as his and he doesnt get to shut you down every time cos he us too selfish to care about stuff that matters to you. Then he can have his relax time. You had to listen to him now its his turn.

SeaCabbage · 24/02/2018 10:26

I think he should have said, like a PP said, sorry sweetie I need to just relax now and would like to just read quietly." Rather than just ignoring you.

And it also sounds like you had chatted all about his stuff - did you not to get to chat about your stuff?

gingergenius · 24/02/2018 10:27

I get what he means but he didn't have to huff off. So ya both u!

thethoughtfox · 24/02/2018 12:29

It is different though because when you share a home, people can't be expected to be 'on' all the time the way they might when they agree to meet a friend for an evening / period of time.

Birdsgottafly · 24/02/2018 12:55

If you really said "you might not be living with me much longer" then you are vvvur.

hotcrossbunsandtea · 24/02/2018 13:06

I can get a bit like that after a long day. My job involves talking to people all day and sometimes the last thing I want is more chatter.

If I arrange to see my friends, it's because I want to socialise so of course I'll put my phone away and talk, but with DP it's different. We live together so I don't need to talk to him all the time - sometimes I'd rather sit in silence and just read or Mumsnet or watch TV without having to talk to anyone!

It's not an attack on him, it's just how I am at the end of the day sometimes. You wouldn't arrange to see friends if you weren't feeling sociable but when you have a partner at home you can't always avoid being around them even when you don't fancy chatting.

velouria · 24/02/2018 13:26

I think blanking you is a bit off, but I do understand the wanting to zone out/read thing,

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/02/2018 13:26

Don’t apologise.

After chewing your ear off, it was his turn to listen. He was being selfish not giving you some ‘airtime’ then he was rude ignoring you & he was a twat going off in a huff.

MiniCooperLover · 24/02/2018 13:27

So he got to have his conversation, decided that was finished and then switched off from you before you could have your conversation? That would make me very cross too !!

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 14:21

Yabu. Many people are sociable introverts who need some downtime when at home. Different to being out with friends. I went away recently with 10 friends by the second day we were able to relax in our small apartment reading on phone etc without constantly chatting or being "on" socially. Obviously being rude and unkind to your partner and lovely to your friends is not ok.

Branleuse · 24/02/2018 14:29

its nice to be able to have interesting conversations like you do with your mates, but its different when you live with someone because its also your home and your downtime as well, and I dont always feel like I want to socialise and talk to people and can get away from friends because i dont live with them

Shoxfordian · 24/02/2018 14:31

I think he was rude if you were having a conversation and then he just checked out of it to read something on his phone.

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