Organ donation + families

[alpineibex]

I'm confused about organ donation. I am registered to donate everything but I have seen reports that families have over-ridden the deceased's decision to donate organs, despite them being registered.

I don't understand how?

The official website for organ donation states - "The law says that the decision about whether or not to donate your organs rests first and foremost with you. While your family has no legal right to override your decision, in practice their support is always sought. Specialist nurses will be available to provide information and support, answering any questions or concerns families may have. This will allow families to make an informed decision about donation and support your wishes. That is why it's very important to discuss your decision with your family and make them aware you want to be an organ donor."

Do the bits highlighted conflict? What 'informed decision' are families being asked to make about their next of kin's wish to donate organs, if they have no legal right to interfere?

How are families blocking donations?

I don't understand why you need to tell your family at all, it's your choice, and if they have no legal right to override your decision (supposedly) then why would you need to tell them and make sure they support your decision? Surely their support isn't needed?

alpineibex - As memory serves there were 5 lives saved by my dsil's organs, 5 families who's affected loved ones are still alive. Finding any solace in that is close to impossible when my ds is screaming in his sleep...and neither me nor my dh can comfort him because we're part of the nightmare.

I would never judge anyone for making the opposite choice to the one we made!

We think this will make what is a hugely distressing day easier for them, by reducing the burden on them.

Like hell it will, it will take a day that has already careened out of control in the most devastating of ways and send the message that the medical profession don't give a toss about the surviving family.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother Alpine but your mother lost her child and I don't think anyone should be judged for the way they act in that situation. I sincerely hope you are never in that situation to find out.

I would never judge anyone for choosing not to donate, it's such a personal thing. My DH doesn't want to donate but, do you know what, I'd still donate a kidney if he needed it as I don't believe there should be strings attached.

I wondered this. My step mum recently died and my dad blocked her organs being donated as he couldn’t stand the thought of her being messed with and wanted her to rest. I thought it was pointless but grief is a weird thing.
The thought of a child dying and somebody else using their organs gives me nightmares, I mean serious anxiety even typing that out, but I know I’d have to let it happen for somebody else’s sake.

Whole thing freaks me out. I wish they’d just do it without telling anybody tbh. I’d rather not know

My mother deserves no sympathy. She was a shit mum anyway. She didn't deserve kids.

Alpine with all due respect you don't know that organ donation would have been the start of something great. The organs may have been harvested and deemed not transplantable or they may have failed quickly
This is true, but at least we could say we tried.

And honestly your mum might not deserve sympathy but I can imagine acting the same way. Child just died and they ask about harvesting organs... I think I’d bite their fucking head off.
Hence why I think they should just do it without telling people. I understand how this could cause issues but (at least in my world) I could see no good coming from asking me after a loved one (especially child) just died, I don’t think I’d say yes because I’d just be so far gone, even though of course it’s the right thing to do and I’d regret not doing it.
Grief is a massive barrier when it comes to organ donating

The state doesn’t own your body - you do, and when you die the ownership/responsibility passes to NoK.

This is important - it is about people controlling the state not the state owning you. For that reason I am against automatic donation.

Instead, i’ve registered, I carry an organ donation card and I’ve told DH what I want. He agrees - now- but if he changes his mind after I am dead that is his choice to make. Not the NHS or the government.

send the message that the medical profession don't give a toss about the surviving family

But currently it sends the message that they don't give a toss about the deceased's legal right to donate, it just matters if the family agree.

I hope my grandmother writes in her will that people who don't support her decision will get nothing.
She did mention leaving her body to science. She doesn't want a funeral. Can family override donation to science too?

'Hence why I think they should just do it without telling people. I understand how this could cause issues but (at least in my world) I could see no good coming from asking me after a loved one (especially child) just died, I don’t think I’d say yes because I’d just be so far gone, even though of course it’s the right thing to do and I’d regret not doing it.
Grief is a massive barrier when it comes to organ donating'

Um, they can't do it without telling. They have to remove the body very shortly after death or take the patient to theatre on life support .

I cannot believe anyone would support the state taking someone's body for its own purposes, especially after the baby ashes and baby organs scandal.

alpine it sounds you have some very serious, personal and deep-rooted issues and anger that would benefit greatly from counselling.

My partner can make that decision if he wants, but he will live knowing he betrayed me. I must drill it home to him somehow. He is supposed to love me, after all, he should at least do as I've asked when I'm gone.

I would give my partner a kidney, even though he's not a donar. Bur afterwards, he should feel guilty about it and imagine what would happen if we all had his attitude.
Then again, if he wouldn't donate his kidney to save me, why should I?

Yes, you're right. I do have issues. I have issues that my mother is still alive and well and not dead yet. I am on a therapy waiting list.

alpineibex - I agree with expat, you seem as though you could benefit from some professional support.

alpineibex - I wish you well with therapy.

Why do you need to be so visceral around the issue of organ donation, OP? What are you trying to prove, that you are an exceptionally good person and everyone who disagrees with your viewpoint isn't?

I just have this deep-rooted desire/need for my mother to hurt.

Totally. I totally think I'm amazing. That's why I'm on Anti-Ds and have self-harm scars all over the place. Cos I love myself so much.

I think if I expect other people to donate to save me, I have a responsibility to donate if I can. How can I expect someone to donate their dead child's organs for my child, if I wouldn't do the same if it were reversed?

I don't want to just take, that doesn't feel right at all.

op in the kindest way, I think you should ignore and walk away from this thread. It's clear in your posts you have deep rooted issues and I dont think the responses you'll get will necessarily help.

I hope your therapy starts soon and good luck with it.

Matilda I actually hadn't thought of it as rewarding good behaviour or punishing bad behaviour. I can understand that some people in the midst of their grief will decide not to donate, but I can't fathom why in a hypothetical situation anyone could think it makes more sense to waste organs that could save a life.
I think that an adult with capacity who is vehemently opposed to the concept of donating their own organs should not be given an organ before others, considering the shortage of donors and long waiting lists.

Alpine there was nothing you could have done to save your brother. I hope you find a way through your grief 💐.

I think if I expect other people to donate to save me, I have a responsibility to donate if I can. How can I expect someone to donate their dead child's organs for my child, if I wouldn't do the same if it were reversed and that is fine for you to hold that opinion and believe that, what is not fine is berating and telling other people they are selfish and somehow 'lesser' for not agreeing, particularly after some of the examples posters have detailed on here.

The attitude displayed by people who say things like 'they can have everything of mine, I'll be dead, anyone who doesn't agree is selfish, nasty, wrong, etc., etc.' hinders rather than helps the organ donor debate.

I think that an adult with capacity who is vehemently opposed to the concept of donating their own organs should not be given an organ before others, considering the shortage of donors and long waiting lists.

Agree. Absolutely.

My partner doesn't want to donate just because he doesn't like the idea of it. Putting his own mortal discomfort (since he'll be dead and unaware when it happens)) before saving others. He knows I think him selfish for this. Although, I know him well, so know he has many selfish ways.

I concede to retract implying anybody on this thread, in their individual circumstances, is selfish. But knowing my mother and partner as I do, they definitely are.

The only criteria for use of organs should be on medical need. If you start down the path of making decisions outside of that framework the ramifications and results don