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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to ex?

14 replies

NoodleSammich · 23/02/2018 15:46

Hi everyone,
Myself and my ex have been apart for years now. I have a lovely dp, one that I wouldn’t introduce to my children for a year after we met and then carefully introduced him into our lives via days out, then meals, etc...

my ex now has a partner, who has just moved here from another country (they have met once prior to this) and they’ve just got a lovely new home together and are going to get married for her visa at some point soonish, he wants me to meet her, with the kids. And wow, what a conversation that will be explaining to the kids. Nobody knows anything about her.

AIBU to say no? I’ve told him I’m busy and he thinks I’m being unreasonable. He’s (briefly) seen the kids 3 times in over half a year and all of a sudden wants to look like he’s dad of the century or something, it’s just very weird.

To make things fully transparent so it isn’t one sided, I must admit, I also feel very frustrated about it all so I’m not sure if this is playing into it. I absolutely do NOT want to be with the ex by the way, I’m frustrated because she’s getting everything I wanted when we were together... a nice home, she’s allowed to decorate (I never was, so it always looked awful as he didn’t either), they’re getting married. I wasn’t allowed to buy furniture. She also seems super happy and if I was happy he would get angry, he was incredibly physically abusive not to mention emotionally which was worse. I just feel frustrated that when he finally cheated too many times, I broke up but I was kind because he told me it’s the way he is and he can’t change but... he obviously lied about that.
My dp is amazing, and I get more than what I ever could ask or hope for from him, we have everything I wanted and make a lovely family unit and I’m so grateful... so I know these feelings are childish. I just feel upset that me and the kids weren’t good enough for my ex, despite putting my sanity into that relationship. I practically sold my soul during that time

Although frustration aside, I’m pretty positive what he’s doing isn’t right and I don’t want to confuse the kids by introducing somebody he has met a single time, not knowing if it will last.

I’m not really sure how I should act. If I try ignoring him he shows up to the house now (he did the other day anyway, it’s a new thing but he made clear he would if I ignored him). I think it’s reasonable for me to ask for a period of time waiting before she meets the kids, he’s still free to see them but by the sounds of it he won’t be going anywhere without her anymore because she gets lonely apparently.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 23/02/2018 15:50

How old are the kids?

Can you meet them both without children (and with your DP) to discuss things and formulate a plan as to how best to handle it with regards introducing?

Trinity66 · 23/02/2018 15:51

I’m not really sure how I should act. If I try ignoring him he shows up to the house now (he did the other day anyway, it’s a new thing but he made clear he would if I ignored him).

I would get a restraining order if he starts badgering you like that :/ He sounds awful, I wouldn't be jealous that she;s getting what you wanted, it sounds like your new partner is what you wanted, from the outside it may look like the new g/f is going to change him and have the wonderful life ( decorating your own home :/) that you wanted but leopards don't change their spots so don't dwell on that

wink1970 · 23/02/2018 15:53

firstly, he may be behaving differently to 'sucker her in', or he may have changed - neither invalidates your input into his life or makes you a failure because he is now behaving 'better'.

Secondly, he's going ahead with the madness anyway, so it will happen somehow, but I'd be cautious. Why not offer to meet her first, and read the situation after that?

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 15:53

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. He's living with her and is marrying her. The fact that you think it's too quick is irrelevant. What do you expect him to do? Kick her out of the home and take her photos down and her clothes out of the wardrobe when they go round? It may all be rather fast but it would be worse for the kids if he waited until they were married before introducing her.

Even if he was being unreasonable then I don't think there is much you can do. If he has PR then he can introduce them to whoever he likes whenever he likes, just as you can.

MycatsaPirate · 23/02/2018 15:54

I think you are BU.

How old are the dc? If he's planning on getting married to this woman then surely the kids will need to meet her at some point or do they just rock up at the wedding as complete strangers to her?

I'd see this as a positive. Maybe now he is with someone he is happy with (and that's not a dig at you, clearly you and he weren't compatible) then maybe he can start to be a good dad to the dc and see them more often. And they will have a nice home to go to when they visit him.

I don't think dragging up things like 'he wouldn't let me decorate or buy furniture' is a good enough reason to not take the dc to meet them both.

And he didn't need to ask you. He can just take the dc to meet her himself. I think he's being quite sensible by asking if you'd like to go too.

You introduced your dc to your dp at one point. You had no idea if it would last. You may think it will but nothing is ever certain. You had dc with your ex thinking it would last.

I think you need to put aside your own feelings on this and certainly don't influence the dc against their dad or this new woman.

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 15:55

I should probably add... I completely understand why you feel the way you do. He sounds like a complete dick

Original poster

NoodleSammich · 23/02/2018 16:20

Sorry I should have said that none of us are invited to the wedding, he’s made it clear that it’s for a visa and that he doesn’t want anybody to know... I don’t know if that means just we aren’t invited, or if he genuinely doesn’t want anybody to know. And my children are 6/11.

I’ve asked to talk about a better solution than just meeting, but he said I’m being “weird” about it. Then he asked to meet up to meet her with the kids, so I told him I was busy.
I said that it would be best done over time, introduce her as a friend and so on... as I did with my dp, but he said there is no point as they would find out as they live together. Although he’s been living with his mum since we broke up and never went there, so I fail to see why it would matter as they never ask to go to his anyway.

And no I absolutely don’t expect her to kick her out - they’re only moving in today!
They met for the first time a month ago, he comes back and now she’s coming over to live and he wants her to meet the kids and pretend we’re happy families. I don’t mind that it’s fast for the sake of minding its fast, I just mind how this will look to my children... knowing what he’s like, I don’t know if somebody could be happy with that. Unless he has changed, I really don’t know.

He usually makes flying visits (and not very often) when he wants to borrow something or borrow my car. So no he couldn’t take the boys to meet her himself, as he never has them... and with his violent background he isn’t allowed to be alone with them anyway. He used to hurt my eldest, but I got out before my youngest was affected physically.
I understand what you’re saying though about him asking me, but he simply had no choice but to ask me, and he’s just acting like he’s had a personality transplant (although he did prior warn me she reads his messages so maybe he’s acting nicer in messages because of this). But what will he do when the kids are confused because he’s acting so different? This whole situation is going to be bizarre

And I understand that MycatsaPirate, but i introduced my dp to my kids a year after we started seeing each other, which was a year after we knew each other, and gently introduced the idea of us first. It wasn’t a sudden thing. And I know it doesn’t help me feeling like that, at all.

And my dp is everything I ever wanted. I don’t think it’s jealousy, it’s just pure frustration at myself more than anything I think. I put up with a lot and the way I came to terms with it was that he just didn’t have it in him to be kind I suppose. But that aside, I still find this situation strange

OP posts:

HolyMountain · 23/02/2018 16:25

and with his violent background he isn’t allowed to be alone with them anyway. He used to hurt my eldest.

Fuck all of that, he’s a cunt who deserves nothing from you.

rocketgirl22 · 23/02/2018 16:26

Is it a sham marriage for money? And he wants as many people in on the act as possible? Seems very strange to have known her for so little time.

I would also be sad my dc were not invited to the wedding. How do they feel about that??

I would not be in a rush to meet this woman or allow the children near her until you know the facts. I am not sure given how little time he has spent with them that the dc will care either way.

A leopard never changes it spots trust me, so unless he has had intensive counselling he is probably the same man he always was. You are well rid of him.

rocketgirl22 · 23/02/2018 16:28

Ah okay so he was violent towards them, then no way to him seeing them, or meeting up.

Not a chance.

I wouldn't be lending him my car etc either.

Goodfood1 · 23/02/2018 16:29

I think you are totally right to say no, but i can see that won't be easy. he's not marrying her for love and he's had np interest in the kids till now so why put them through this lie.
no real advice but Good luck

Troels · 23/02/2018 16:46

So do you think this s one of those marriages that is arranged. He gets paid to marry her and once she's elible for indefinite leave to remain she divorces him and he can do it again.
I wouldn't want anything to do with it either.

StormTreader · 23/02/2018 17:40

Is she very young? I cant help thinking he may be very excited at netting a pretty young thing and want to show her off, give her the house etc, and as soon as she gets that visa, she'll be off like a shot.

DPotter · 23/02/2018 17:48

I know it's always a conscientious issue about telling a new partner of an Ex about past violence and abuse, but I think I would like to know if the man I was about to marry had such a history. I appreciate she may not believe you, but it could be argued you have some obligation to tell her. I would meet her, without the kids and tell her why you split and how flakey he is with the kids. If she's marrying him just for the visa, well nothing lost. Prepared to be told I'm being naive.

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