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to abandon my “friend” in her deepest hour of need?

149 replies

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/02/2018 21:56

To cut the story short, we both were academics when young, we both became SAHMs when our children were born, we both split from our exes when our children were young and we both had found it very difficult to get back to our previous careers.

After the split, and due to our low income, we both ended in receipt of tax credits. I saw tax credits as something that I should move on from as quickly as I could, just a bit of help to get back on my feet while I was raising a child alone with a low income. I have worked and continue to work very hard and very often long hours to try to stop this dependance on tax credits.

She saw tax credits as her right, choose to work from home in sporadic jobs and rely on tax credits, child maintenance and house benefit fully as her most important regular income.

Over the years she has been belittling the admin jobs I have taken, saying that she wouldn’t lower herself to do “such kind of shit and bad paid jobs”.

But now, with her children over 18, her tax credits, child maintenance and other benefits have come to an end. Naturally, she is struggling, feels the state took advantage of her by “using her while she was a mother and discarding her as dirt now that her children are adults”. She is still the entitled git that can complain about the lack of money, the unfairness with benefits and other stuff but she still refuses to get a proper job and insists in doing her shopping in Waitrose.

She complains about not being able to get the kind of job she wants, but if you try to offer her jobs she always says that she is too busy, is not convenient or doesn’t like it. She sits at home all day long but won’t pick up or return calls.

Suddenly out of the blue (as usual), she contacted me last week and asked to meet for a coffee. I said yes. She texted me earlier to say that her car has not passed the MOT last week and she has no money to sort the car, so she has no way to get to Waitrose to get food for the week, that she is terrified to be found at home without food as low temperatures are expected and she is afraid it may snow. She says I should pick her up from her house, drive her to Waitrose and we should have a coffee at the Waitrose cafe before I return her to her home. (She doesn’t even live near me).

I have said I’m too busy (I am, I have clocked 50 hrs this week and it is not even Friday!) and suggested she ordered from a supermarket online.

She has replied saying that it is too expensive for her to have her food delivered as she only needs a few fresh vegetables so can I take her to Waitrose please?

I guess I just need a rant (I’m not replying to messages anymore) How can people be so bloody entitled?

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/02/2018 22:14

The interesting thing is that I never said she called me stupid, did I? It was MyBrillianceDisguise who said she had, not me.

But in answer to your question, we were part of a bigger group of friends. I used to like to talk to her as she no doubt an intellectual and has some interesting points of view but the last years have been quite draining.

Not looking forward to maintain or rekindle this “friendship”. I am, obviously, feeling very used.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2018 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

backformoreanditsmyfault · 22/02/2018 22:15

OP, you are being a bit hard on yourself. You said in your post you are too busy and you can't do it. Don't feel bad. She will find someone else to do it for her, am sure? I do think, however, you seem a bit resentful of her. While you are entitled to your views, you sound like you do not like her much. Do you get anyhting good out of your friendship with her?

birdlover1977 · 22/02/2018 22:15

She probably cannot afford to have her shopping delivered as there is a minimum amount you have to order before they will deliver. She may not have enough money to cover bus fares as well as her food, but I am surprised she will only shop in Waitrose. Is this her nearest supermarket? If you are too tired just tell her that you can’t do it and I really suggest you distance yourself from her as it sounds like you have nothing in common anymore.

frostedfields · 22/02/2018 22:16

@Awwlookatmybabyspider OP clearly isn't having a go at people on tax credits, she's complaining (and rightly so!) about her ridiculously entitled friend.

I'd ditch her OP!

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 22/02/2018 22:17

I think you just need to look at what you offer each other.
You obviously feel she isn't as good as you.
She probably feels that from you - possibly this is feeding her fear of getting a job and your "helpful suggestions" are possibly making her feel worse. You do come across as rather sanctimonious.
I think perhaps if you are not going to be honest with her you would be doing both of you a favour to stop the friendship.

FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2018 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2018 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elle8989 · 22/02/2018 22:19

I'd tell her to grow up.
She needs to learn the hard way.

Makes me angry. Tell her to walk to her local shop. Silly moo.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 22/02/2018 22:21

Pick her up, drive her to ALDI/LIDL/ASDA and let us know what happens...at least ending the friendship that way will be memorable.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 22/02/2018 22:25

If you don't tell someone what they are doing to wind you up and yet continue to put yourself in that situation, you only have yourself to blame. They don't know they are doing anything "wrong" and you are going on pretending so they think they are your friend. It's a waste of everyone's time.

LanaorAna2 · 22/02/2018 22:26

Trouble is, if DF looks to start work again, which presumably she will have to at some point, all those years 'mothering' people who have long left home won't help her get a job. She really is a lot worse off than you, albeit not in the way she thinks.

But she will realise it pretty fast. You don't like her, and that's fine, but don't be a hater when you're the real winner.

DarthArts · 22/02/2018 22:27

She needs to review her priorities.

Don't enable this fuckwittery.

She can get the bus to Waitrose if it that bloody vital - but the idea of not paying for your car to shop at Waitrose is just batshit as is expecting your friend to act as a taxi to fuel what's simply food snobbery.

Does she think the rest of the non-Waitrose shopping population is suffering from malnutrition?

I can't honestly remember eating a carrot and thinking, my goodness this one is so much less carroty than the ones I got from Waitrose last week FFS 😂

BewareOfDragons · 22/02/2018 22:28

I wouldn't even respond to her again.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/02/2018 22:28

She has a Nisa a block from her house, a Co-op ten minutes walk away, an Aldi and an Iceland a few blocks from there and Waitrose 2 miles away.

It has been a constant joke over the years that she is living with so many financial constraints but still refuses to let go of Waitrose.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 22/02/2018 22:32

I understand where your coming from OP.
I am in roughly the same position although my children are still young and im still receiving tax credits and working not well paid jobs.
I am well aware that I will need to fully support myself and am planning to retrain enough to be able to earn enough to come off tax credits, they are after all to help the kids who don't stay kids forever!
I have a friend like this too, every job suggested, even one not a five minute walk from her house and another in a building next to her house was deemed not good enough/unsuitable.
I have wasted so much energy trying to provide help that my friend has asked for that I just don't bother anymore. I wonder what she imagines the future holds, that the state is going to provide the kind of lifestyle she thinks she's entitled to? I too only answer messages that suit me now, she doesn't seem to notice anyway !!

MrTrebus · 22/02/2018 22:36

Alright Daily Mail calm down with your tax credits & Waitrose thread 😂 seriously though this has the DM written all over it. Be careful OP they're going to nick this for their front page tomorrow.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/02/2018 22:37

By the way, we are no longer close and hardly see each other, she contacts me every now and then (once or twice a year) and acts nicely and friendly, then she tells me what she needs.

I don’t go and look for her, honest, I am just ranting because of how ridiculous her demands are. Other old examples are

  • Could I please drive her to Ikea to get a washing up brush (I swear I am not making it up!). Ikea is 50 miles from where I live.
  • she heard I was working at London that week, could I please go to John Lewis to get her some tights that she could only find there?
  • then disappears for two years and resurfaces again to ask me if I could give her a lift to the mechanic.

Yes, I said no to all that, but given that at some far point in the past we had a good friendship, I end up opening the door just to face more unreasonable requests.

Not.. any...more...

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 22/02/2018 22:39

Well, with what she'll save in car tax, insurance, petrol, garage bills etc she should be able to afford waitrose online shop and delivery.

Tbh it doesn't sound as if you like each other much. I'd let the friendship drift

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/02/2018 22:39

Oh shit, I had not thought this has the potential to end up in the Daily Mail!

I will ask for thevthread to be removed straight away!

OP posts:
birdlover1977 · 22/02/2018 22:39

With all those other options for food shopping I wouldn’t worry about her desire to shop in Waitrose either.

ShiftyMcGifty · 22/02/2018 22:40

“She has replied saying that it is too expensive for her to have her food delivered as she only needs a few fresh vegetables so can I take her to Waitrose please?”

“Sorry, I’m poor and need to work. I can’t afford to be a free taxi service.”

JaneEyre70 · 22/02/2018 22:40

She has the ability presumably (you said academics) to get a job that would allow her to shop in Waitrose and have her chauffeur drive a Rolls Royce to get there. But she chooses to sit on her arse and claim benefits instead. Her choice. But don't enable her in it. If she wants to go to Waitrose, she can walk there. Nothing else for her to do all day, and she can go straight after Jeremy Kyle and be back in time for Loose Women. Everyone wins.

greendale17 · 22/02/2018 22:43

I'm going to be honest. It seems like you look down your nose at her.

^Her “children” are over 20yrs old her friend won’t lower herself to get low paid jobs. I would look down my nose at her too!

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 22/02/2018 22:44

DOn't worry - if she's an academic she won't read The Fail.