To wish my mum wouldn't act like this

[desperatelyseekingsue]

I have a young child and am due to have my second in April. My partner left me right back at the start of the pregnancy, i have no friends, I'm extremely depressed and desperately trying to drag myself out of it.

My mum is the only person I really talk to despite the fact I have a job and do get out of the house for other things. She has been a great help to me the last few months and I don't know what I'd do without her, however, things have got so out of hand recently.

She's at my house all the time. And I mean all the time. Whenever she's not at work she's at my house and only returns to her home to sleep (she hates my dad/ her husband but refuses to divorce him)
she also constantly makes racist/homophobic/transphobic remarks about things and it angers me so much. I try and correct her but she just gets angry at me and makes more jokes about offensive things and thinks she's hilarious.

She just started up again with some racist thing and I immediately shut her down. She the proceeded to make jokes to my (7 year old) niece (she looks after her on weekends) about how I was being touchy and then my niece started repeating that I was being touchy over and over and my mum was laughing and she was laughing and I just thought fuck this. Promptly told my mother to just go back home and sit with her husband if she cant stand me, turned all the lights off and went up to bed. She still hasn't left and I know I'll be the one that has to apologise. I just can't be arsed. I feel bad about it all in front of my niece as well.

I feel like I can't react when she does things because I NEED her as I don't have anyone else, and I am so grateful for all she's done but at the same time I cannot stand her. AIBU? Should I just put up with this because I need her? Just feel awful and angry and I really don't want to say sorry.

Should also add I've tried to talk to her about this kind of thing before and she just thinks it's offensive if I correct her. Ugh

I know this is all so petty but I'm so pregnant and exhausted and annoyed. Please help :(

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds really hard even if she was the most easy going person in the world it would be hard having her there all the time, and actually she sounds very difficult. I don't really know what to suggest except to wonder if you can start putting some boundaries in place, e.g. Having a couple of nights per week when she's not around at yours? And as for the racist / transphobic etc remarks I think all you can do with things like that is to push back every time by saying calmly but firmly 'I don't think that's an acceptable thing to say' (but I totally appreciate that isn't always possible and can lead to fights you maybe don't have the energy for!)

Sending big hugs, hope you're ok and that it works out for you x

I think you need to try and get over the idea that you're dependant on your mum. Of course you need her around and you do appear grateful for all of her support, but I know how wearing it can be having someone there constantly, especially if their views differ to your own. Maybe you could try and find a support group or something near to where you live so you'll have more support from others.

Take your keys off her. Simple. Escort her to the door, open it and ask her to leave. NOW. Don’t take no for an answer. Explain to her how offensive you find her and that you don’t want to hear it or for her to normalise it for your dc. I don’t know how you haven’t gone nc.

She came round the next day and was acting like everything was fine. I really can't cut her off or say anything to her because I have nobody else.

Today we went shopping, trying to find my DS a new pair of shoes, and she made a comment about how some I tried on him were WAY too big. They weren't but she wouldn't shut up about it, and being heavily pregnant and emotional I said okay let's just go home. Because I just couldn't deal with her. And then my poor DS got very upset and didn't want to leave, he started pratting about on the car park so I shouted at him because it was dangerous. Then my mum went absolutely mad at me saying I was being horrible to him and I just sat in the car and cried because I felt bad then.

She dropped us back home, slammed all the car doors then screamed at me as I walked up the garden path with DS "HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY"

I got in, DS is having a nap, and I just haven't stopped crying. I'm so so sad.

I'm so angry with my ex for leaving me without anything, I'm angry at my friends for abandoning ship and I'm angry at myself for being so shit and losing everyone. Angry for not being able to drive. Angry for shouting at my DS. Upset I can't do this on my own. I just want to cry for fucking ever. I believe this is what's called hitting rock bottom.

You might think you need her but she doesn't sound good for your well being. No way would I want someone in my house who made transphobic and racist comments and encouraged that in children or who yelled abuse in front of a child.

@ilovesooty I know it's bad keeping her around but when you genuinely have nobody else in the world it feels better to put up with some crap than to be totally alone

Oh god, is that really better than doing everything yourself? Seems to me that every time you get some "help" from her, it comes at such an emotional cost to you that you come out of it worse off than if you'd just managed yourself.

If you want to try and keep going with her, you need to set boundaries and enforce them. She seems to like being around you, OK, then you are only going to be around when she behaves herself. Next time she gives you grief and you're in the shops, you say to her "I'm not listening to any more of this, we'll talk when you're able to be civil again" and you take your DS and you walk out. Don't get a lift in with her, it makes you a captive audience. Get your key back off her so she can't just walk into your house. Expect her to be really pissed off and to act hurt. You don't need to make this OK for her. She made it awkward with her racism and her bullying - fine, let it be awkward.

Do your niece's parents know how she behaves and what she says?

Honestly she sounds like a bully. Is there any way you can rebuild any relationships with your friends or form any networks with other people in a similar situation?

I'm so sorry. This sounds so hard

But I would agree that having someone who makes you cry and screams at you is not better than having no one at all.

Can you speak to your midwife about additional help? Or your gp? Get some support around you.

Take one step at a time. If you give a vague location maybe we can help find something near you?

My Niece's mum is not a very nice one, and despite my own mother being pretty awful, my nieces weekends are actually a source of calm compared to being in her own home, and since my mum is always at mine that means my niece spends most of her weekend time at my house, where she can play with my DS and have a nice time and I like to think most of the stuff my mum says/ does goes unnoticed by the children and they see my home as somewhere happy and calm and more of what I say and do reflects on them and not my mum.

I've tried to get help from midwives and GP's to get back on track. But it's to no avail really. The midwives where I live seem rushed off their feet and don't really have time for much chat at appointments. I've tried a couple of different anti depressants too, but they make me so so sick I can't get out of bed! So planning on going back to my usual anti-d medication after I've had the baby. I also worry a lot about what I say to people in case they think I can't cope and I don't have sufficient support as my ex has said he's going to go for full custody of DC's.

The thing is I do get out and about on my own. I am on MAT leave from work currently but still at uni, and do sort of have friends there. But I still feel hopeless. Very sad. And having an extremely tough pregnancy where I feel ill a lot of the time and it really helps having mum to cry to or to give me a hand with odd jobs.

I know the reality is I need to distance myself from her. It's just hard as in my mind I suppose I just really see that as alienating myself and having absolutely no support when I know I can do this on my own.

Sorry if what I'm saying makes little sense it just really feels like everything is going wrong at the moment

So sorry you are going through this, OP. Your mum sounds awful. Agree with aaaaargghhh about asking your midwife for additional support. There are some good resources out there, just reach out.

You say you 'need' her. I'd suggest you sit down and make a list of all the things you 'need' her for and then take a good look at it and start researching other ways of getting help on them or just doing without them. If you can even find ways to get rid or finding alternatives to one or two of them that would lessen your stress.

When we 'need' people for things we create an inequality and put ourselves into a 'submissive' position. It gives them leverage over us.

An example (not a recommendation) is that she apparently drives you in her car. Investigate public transport. It may be more inconvenient or cost something she provides for free, but the peace and lack of obligation may be worth it.

You say she's the 'only one I talk to', but it appears that she's more interested in criticizing you than 'talking'. You'd be better off talking to yourself in a mirror. At least then it would be peaceful. Investigate mother's groups through your MW. Maybe put yourself out a bit more at work or other places to initiate friendships?

As far as being at yours 'all the time', I'd start with trying to find a way to curb that. Does she have a key? Get it back. Say that your landlord is changing locks and then that he's only given you one key.

I like to think most of the stuff my mum says/ does goes unnoticed by the children

Don't kid yourself. Children are like little sponges. They soak up everything and miss very little. They're hearing and seeing, even if they aren't repeating any of your mum's words and actions.

Oh OP this makes me feel so sad. I'm very emotional atm too at 6 months pregnant and the idea of spending loads of time with your mum makes me want to cry.

Are you sure there's no one else you can lean on? You say your friends are gone. But are they just busy or unaware of what you need? People get on with their own lives and often would be willing to help if they knew what needed doing.

Eg if you just need someone to talk to could you text someone and invite them over for a cuppa and a catch up.

Or if you need a lift for shoe shopping could you suggest coffee and shopping and ask that they pick you up.

People might surprise you.

Also if your existing friends are shit. Can you make some more eg Facebook has single mum groups, you can meet mums at your local children's centre.

There's a charity called Homestart. They can offer you someone for a couple of hours per week to be with you. Also try the local children's centre for groups. Your dr can prescribe an alternative antidepressant that doesn't make you feel sick. I think lots can cause slight sickness for a week or so though. If you could push through that then it'd probably be worth it.

You are using your mum, this is not nice, you don't like her and the things she says, but you need her., so you are putting up with her, we'll go it alone then.

Can you talk seriously with her? Explain over tea that you need to not have your dc repeat this stuff at school or play? My dm was vulgar but i convinced her to behave around my dc.

I'm.so sorry that you are alone right now and you're being threatened not supported by your children's father. Take care.